ginnyleeferguson@...

My daughter is recovering from a very difficult time in school. She used to stress so heavily about things and we assured her that it would all be worth it so she could learn to read and write and such. She has a brain injury that makes her unable to remember and understand many things, so our answer to that was, 'you'll just have to work harder than everybody else.' We had to drill her on everything she had ever learned every day. Hours and hours. I was constantly stressed, feeling scared of being left behind, and she always knew that she wasn't good enough, wasn't bright enough, even though we always told her she 'could do anything,' and was 'so smart,'  She knew because she could look around her classroom at other kids not nearly as stressed as she, and she also saw her little brothers quickly overtake her as they grew. She tried so very hard to be the best she could be in school, and believed that she was doing the right things, but every day after school, she would melt down, fight, cry, and just lose it. Then we had homework.... So you see why we needed to discover unschooling?  Her quality of life was so unfairly poor, we HAD to break free!!  


In the summer of 2013 I discovered Unschooling, and it changed my LIFE!  It changed me, the way I saw my kids and myself...I just can't stress how freeing it was to realize we didn't have to KEEP UP, because none of the constraints that society was putting on my daughter were ordained by God, were right, or fair. It has been a long road de-schooling. While my son took only a few days to get right into his interests, my daughter has had a much more difficult time. After almost a year, she waffles back and forth between being so glad to be free, to being really stressed and scared that she isn't learning and is being left behind. She answers her stress by watching tv for hours and hours. She becomes angry and sullen after a day of TV, and comes to me demanding that I make her not be bored anymore. I come up with a few suggestions, I invite her to join me in an activity, but she will angrily balk and resist everything, trying to pick a fight in order to not be bored anymore. I put together a suggestion jar for her, lots of activities she can pull out at any time, and I find she uses them nonstop. But after a week, she's ready for more suggestions, because she has done them all, like checking off a list. She doesn't seem interested in anything, curious about anything, she claims she's not learning anything, and has actually confided in her father that she thinks she would like to return to school. (silent scream!!) She misses having friends around constantly, she misses having her time structured, and her activities chosen and directed by someone else. She wants so much for me to be more teacher-like, and I'm just not. I did a science project the other day, with them, just for fun, and she loved it, but I could tell there was also something underneath, this feeling that she had to measure up, to perform, to just finish and complete so she could check it off the list, she is so deeply scared, and it's my own fault for training her so young that she had to 'keep up.' Now, I regret so much I did.


What am I doing that causes more problems? I spend much too much time here on the internet, sometimes an entire day. Because I also feel like I have so much learning to do, so much lost time I am trying to make up for. But things I learn eventually get lost in a soup inside my head, so I feel like I am probably wasting a great deal of time. As a stay at home mom I fight that feeling that I am being left behind in life... How do I let go of fear and start living in the present? I think that's the first step toward becoming the parent she needs. I guess what I am asking for is this...How do I calm fears, stimulate when there is a mental block, and live in the present? Oh, and for my daughter as well! :)

sukaynalabboun@...

It might help to limit your own time online, just for now, to be with her. The best thing you can do is probably be with them more. Also, if she is pining for the schoolish activities, maybe she needs a bit more structure, until she is sure of this whole new thing working. What i mean is that maybe she would enjoy workbooks or online trivia games etc. without pressure or deadlines attached. For fun...if that is what she wants it is very different from a parent making her feel that is what she needs. And the reading more about unschooling can be done when they are happily engaged or busy or asleep. But doing-being- is more valuable in my experience, as Sandra says read a little, wait a while, watch. Sounds simple, but really slow down and reconnect with her/them. It cannot be rushed and at the same time, it should be a huge priority.  I found my reading needs to be curtailed in order to be with them, even though there is still so much for me to learn by reading. 

Sandra Dodd

-=- And the reading more about unschooling can be done when they are happily engaged or busy or asleep. But doing-being- is more valuable in my experience, as Sandra says read a little, wait a while, watch. Sounds simple, but really slow down and reconnect with her/them. It cannot be rushed and at the same time, it should be a huge priority.  I found my reading needs to be curtailed in order to be with them, even though there is still so much for me to learn by reading. -=-

You can't learn to ride a bicycle by reading :-)

(thanks for mentioning that)

Sandra

Sandra Dodd

-=-I just can't stress how freeing it was to realize we didn't have to KEEP UP, because none of the constraints that society was putting on my daughter were ordained by God, were right, or fair. It has been a long road de-schooling-=-

This will help you with your deschooling, with your peace, with your life.

Stop saying "have to" and "had to."
Really pay attention to that, every time you write it, or say it, or even think it.

You're all tangled up in feelings of "have to" as though things ARE ordained by God, still.

From your post:

-=-our answer to that was, 'you'll just have to work harder -=-
-=-We had to drill her on everything -=-
-=-how freeing it was to realize we didn't have to KEEP UP-=-
-=- this feeling that she had to measure up-=-
-=- it's my own fault for training her so young that she had to 'keep up--=-

From my site:

You are inviting powerlessness into your life and keeping it there by using that phrase.

You wrote -=-how freeing it was to realize we didn't have to KEEP UP-=-
How much more freeing to think "we can choose not to keep up."
It might seem to you the same thing, or the other side of the same coin.  But coins' sides are NOT the same. :-)
Choice is not the other side of a "have to" coin.  It is the antidote to a have-to poison  Choice dissolves the roof and ceiling of a have-to cell.

-=-After almost a year, she waffles back and forth between being so glad to be free, to being really stressed and scared that she isn't learning and is being left behind. -=-

If you called it "free" that didn't help.
If you call it another way to learn, that might help.

-=-She becomes angry and sullen after a day of TV, and comes to me demanding that I make her not be bored anymore. I come up with a few suggestions, I invite her to join me in an activity, but she will angrily balk and resist everything, trying to pick a fight in order to not be bored anymore. I put together a suggestion jar for her,-=-

This sounds like you think unschooling can happen from your daughter being alone with a list of ideas and a suggestion jar.  She wants to be with you.  Watch TV with her.  Take her somewhere, out of the house, someplace intersting for both of you, NOT when she's sullen and bored.  When you're both smiling and happy.

-=-But after a week, she's ready for more suggestions, because she has done them all, like checking off a list. She doesn't seem interested in anything, curious about anything, -=-

It's possiblt that she's not curious.  There is a heritable trait known as "openness to experience."  Some people have LOTS of it. Some don't.  It's possible that some people won't be good unschoolers because they're not curious.

-=-has actually confided in her father that she thinks she would like to return to school. (silent scream!!) She misses having friends around constantly, she misses having her time structured, and her activities chosen and directed by someone else.-=-

What is the scream about!?  
IF school would be better for her, let her go to school.
If you're not making home better for her than school, she SHOULD go to school.  I'm serious.  Unschooling should be better than school, or it shouldn't be done.

-=- I did a science project the other day, with them, just for fun, and she loved it, but I could tell there was also something underneath, this feeling that she had to measure up, to perform, to just finish and complete so she could check it off the list, -=-

Do it every day.  Not just for fun, but because your daughter loved it.
It doesn't matter what's underneath, if it makes her feel better to do that.  

If she DOES start to see what she's learning, she might be more willing to stay home.

-=-What am I doing that causes more problems? I spend much too much time here on the internet, sometimes an entire day. Because I also feel like I have so much learning to do, so much lost time I am trying to make up for. But things I learn eventually get lost in a soup inside my head, so I feel like I am probably wasting a great deal of time. As a stay at home mom I fight that feeling that I am being left behind in life... How do I let go of fear and start living in the present? I think that's the first step toward becoming the parent she needs. I guess what I am asking for is this...How do I calm fears, stimulate when there is a mental block, and live in the present? Oh, and for my daughter as well! :)-=-

You already know. You're stuffing more confusion into the soup in your head instead of BEING with her.  

-=-As a stay at home mom I fight that feeling that I am being left behind in life-=-

Stop fighting or thinking of it as fighting.  What are you "fighting" it WITH?

IF you aren't being with your children, get a job.  If you're a stay at home mom, be with your children.

Feeling successful will make you feel better.  Success is going to involve seeing your children's appreciation for your presence and your attention.  

-=-How do I calm fears, stimulate when there is a mental block, and live in the present?-=-

I can give you web page, but they're not to read.  They're to read a little, and DO THINGS from right then, and several times that day.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully (you might listen to the sound file while you're making dinner or something)
http://sandradodd.com/being (lots of links there, but don't read them all.  Read a touch, and go and DO.  Go and BE.

Sandra

sylvia057@...

It sounds like you still have some deschooling to do yourself.  The idea of feeling like you aren't keeping up shows up again and again in your post.  First in reference to your daughter and at the end of the post in reference to yourself.  Who are you comparing yourself and your family too?  Who are you racing against?  What will happen if you step off and away from the race track?

It sounds like you spent years pushing your daughter to do things that perhaps she was unable to do well due to her injury.  You should apologize to her for that.  

Perhaps instead of leaving her to watch TV for hours and hours alone, why not watch with her?  Why not find things to watch together?  Maybe listen to music together.  Go for a walk or on a picnic.  Rather than give her a suggestion box to keep her out of your hair, make a list of things to do together.  Can you do touristy things in your own area?  It may be that what she really wants is deeper connection with you!

She mentioned that she wants to go back to school.  Does she miss her friends?  Can you make arrangements for her to see her friends outside of school hours?  You didn't say how old she is.  Could she get involved with activities outside of school like scouts or 4H?  Sometimes local libraries have programs for kids.

==-==How do I let go of fear and start living in the present? I==-== Have you read this link from Sandra's site?  I found lots of helpful ideas!  Breathing

 




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