j_me_russell

I have come so, so far since beginning this journey, and even more dramatically so since joining this group. Our home is becoming more and more joyful, to a depth and breadth that I hadn't known possible before.

I am amazed and humbled to see the impact of my ability (or lack thereof) to relax on my relationship with my kids and thus their experience, and I find it coming naturally more and more often, and my ability to just stop and move away when I feel tense is increasing greatly (which has been a very big, and incredibly worthwhile, challenge as a person who has lived through childhood trauma and suffered from lifelong panic attacks).

There are still moments that I mess up, though. Yesterday our home was broken into and we came home while the robbery was taking place and frightened away the burglar(s). I was up with my youngest, who had a fever, most of the night and got about 2 hours of broken sleep. This morning, I found myself reacting before I even realized it, and attempting to control my son. As soon as I said it ("You've been on the iPad all morning, wouldn't you rather...") I stopped myself, apologized and asked for some time to calm down, and took a hot bath while my husband spent some time with the kids. It is these moments, when my fear creeps in, that the compulsion to control things returns (in my youth this manifested as eating disorders).

I am trying to figure out what to say at this point. Big picture, I want my kids to know that people get stressed and upset and it doesn't mean that they have done anything wrong, but that no one ever has the right to treat them badly. I would like for them to have the confidence to challenge attempts to control them, including from me. I want them to know that I am on their side, and that I am learning and trying to do better everyday. I want to give them context without blaming circumstances for my actions.

I welcome any thoughts you have.

CASS KOTRBA

-=- I want my kids to know that people get stressed and upset and it doesn't mean that they have done anything wrong, but that no one ever has the right to treat them badly. I would like for them to have the confidence to challenge attempts to control them, including from me. I want them to know that I am on their side, and that I am learning and trying to do better everyday. I want to give them context without blaming circumstances for my actions. -=-
 
If that's what you want them to know then tell them instead of us.  :D
-Cass

Sandra Dodd

-=-I want them to know that I am on their side, and that I am learning and trying to do better everyday. I want to give them context without blaming circumstances for my actions. -=-

You could say "I'm not mad at your, I'm mad at the burglars.  Sorry I was grouchy."
or "I'm sorry I'm so tired.   Sleeping makes me nicer."

Sandra

j_me_russell

Great, thanks. That's actually almost exactly what I said; I tend to be pretty verbose, and it is taking some big adjustment to realize that less can be so much more.

Joyce Fetteroll

When you apologize make it an acknowledgement that you messed up rather than a request for forgiveness. And then consciously work to find ways for it not to happen again. As you try different ways to not mess up, you will mess up. It's just part of experimenting to find what works!

Their trust that you're changing will grow by seeing you put sincere effort into catching yourself and doing things differently. They'll lose trust that your words mean anything if you keep making the same mistakes over and over and over, trying to "fix" things by apologizing. An apology soon becomes empty words unless someone is trying to change.

Joyce

CASS KOTRBA

Despite my best efforts, sometimes I will lose my composure and be short or irritable with my son.  When that happens I try to regain my composure as quickly as possible & I will say "I’m really sorry bud, I'm just tired/overwhelmed/cranky (or whatever it is).  It's my fault, it had nothing to do with you."  My apology is heartfelt and sincere so he says "I accept your apology", often followed by a hug.  Sometimes he will be frustrated about something and yell at me but I know, now, not to take it personally.  I stay calm (sometimes with a hurt look on my face if he has said something that hurt my feelings) and try to offer compassion or at least stay calm & stay away.  My staying calm helps him to stay calm or return to a state of calm.  As soon as he is able to regain his composure he will come to me and say "Mom, I'm sorry I yelled at you.  It wasn't your fault, I was just frustrated."  Then I say "I accept your apology" usually followed by a hug.
 
So I can tell you first hand that 1 - everybody messes up but if you model a way for them to redeem themselves they will follow that lead and 2 - those heartfelt, sincere apologies really do take the sting away from a painful situation.  He knows I'm trying and I know he's trying and we're learning together how to live with a sometimes fiery temper (that he has inherited from me)!  We've been unschooling for 1.5 years now so they've seen sincere, genuine changes in me and I know they see and appreciate what I'm doing.  When we first made this transition sometimes I would give long, wordy, agonized apologies.  They may not have heard every word I said but they did understand that I was sincerely trying to become a better person and do a better job being their mom and they appreciated that.  Now I don't feel the need to explain myself so much & those moments of conflict pass quickly.  There is understanding on both sides.  But I had to earn their trust that there were actual changes behind the words or my apologies today would be meaningless.
-Cass