bargainmartstore

Im still deschooling after 4 years of taking my kids out of school. I can see a lot of issues I had with school but mainly issues I had with my own parents. I am still dealing with them and Im 35 years old. I need to set boundaries with them or get them out of my life. Does anyone have any book recommendations?

Sandra Dodd

-=- I need to set boundaries with them or get them out of my life. Does anyone have any book recommendations?-=-

Why do you need a book?

-=-Im still deschooling after 4 years of taking my kids out of school. I can see a lot of issues I had with school ...-=-

You're still thinking you can't learn how to do something without a book. :-)

In 1998, in an article that isn't otherwise applicable, I wrote "Instead of being my mother's child, I am my children's mother."
That thought might help you.

The same ideas that work for unschooling children can serve to protect you, too.

People should be safe in their own homes. If you don't live with your parents, don't let them disturb the peace in your home. Visit in neutral places, if you can. We had good luck with children's museums, playgrounds, and miniature golf, when we had young children and cranky grandparents.

There are ideas here: http://sandradodd.com/response (lots of links on the righthand side)

Sandra

D. Regan

On 17/08/2013, at 5:12 PM, bargainmartstore wrote:

> Im still deschooling after 4 years of taking my kids out of school. I can see a lot of issues I had with school but mainly issues I had with my own parents. I am still dealing with them and Im 35 years old. I need to set boundaries with them or get them out of my life. Does anyone have any book recommendations?

I don't have a book recommendation, but perhaps it would help to reconsider the idea of setting boundaries. 'Setting boundaries' is suggestive of conflict and a defensive position. Staying where you are and setting up boundaries, continues a focus on what your parents are doing and how you can defend yourself from them, or perhaps fight back.

Can you take a different path? Focus on your children more, turn towards them, see them, appreciate them, engage with them in what they're drawn to. Engaging in happy ways with your children is more important than continuing to engage unhappily with your parents.

Focus on setting things up so that your children have interesting, joyful days. If your parents can be a welcome part of any of those plans, tell them what, when, where. If them being a part of the plans isn't going to work, don't invite them in. Think more about happy plans, than setting boundaries.

Debbie

chris ester

I like this response because you can only really change your own behavior
and not the behavior of other people.
chris


On Sun, Aug 18, 2013 at 2:03 AM, D. Regan <oregano3@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
>
> On 17/08/2013, at 5:12 PM, bargainmartstore wrote:
>
> > Im still deschooling after 4 years of taking my kids out of school. I
> can see a lot of issues I had with school but mainly issues I had with my
> own parents. I am still dealing with them and Im 35 years old. I need to
> set boundaries with them or get them out of my life. Does anyone have any
> book recommendations?
>
> I don't have a book recommendation, but perhaps it would help to
> reconsider the idea of setting boundaries. 'Setting boundaries' is
> suggestive of conflict and a defensive position. Staying where you are and
> setting up boundaries, continues a focus on what your parents are doing and
> how you can defend yourself from them, or perhaps fight back.
>
> Can you take a different path? Focus on your children more, turn towards
> them, see them, appreciate them, engage with them in what they're drawn to.
> Engaging in happy ways with your children is more important than continuing
> to engage unhappily with your parents.
>
> Focus on setting things up so that your children have interesting, joyful
> days. If your parents can be a welcome part of any of those plans, tell
> them what, when, where. If them being a part of the plans isn't going to
> work, don't invite them in. Think more about happy plans, than setting
> boundaries.
>
> Debbie
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Brandi Yates

The latest thing is that my mom wants to buy my 12 year old son his own
iphone that she wants to pay for. We have told her since he was 9 years
old he didnt need a phone. He has a computer and skype. She doesnt speak
to me unless it is to pick up the kids. She wants a relationship with my
kids but not me.


On Sun, Aug 18, 2013 at 9:40 PM, chris ester <chris.homeschool@...>wrote:

> I like this response because you can only really change your own behavior
> and not the behavior of other people.
> chris
>
>
> On Sun, Aug 18, 2013 at 2:03 AM, D. Regan <oregano3@...> wrote:
>
> > **
> >
> >
> >
> > On 17/08/2013, at 5:12 PM, bargainmartstore wrote:
> >
> > > Im still deschooling after 4 years of taking my kids out of school. I
> > can see a lot of issues I had with school but mainly issues I had with my
> > own parents. I am still dealing with them and Im 35 years old. I need to
> > set boundaries with them or get them out of my life. Does anyone have any
> > book recommendations?
> >
> > I don't have a book recommendation, but perhaps it would help to
> > reconsider the idea of setting boundaries. 'Setting boundaries' is
> > suggestive of conflict and a defensive position. Staying where you are
> and
> > setting up boundaries, continues a focus on what your parents are doing
> and
> > how you can defend yourself from them, or perhaps fight back.
> >
> > Can you take a different path? Focus on your children more, turn towards
> > them, see them, appreciate them, engage with them in what they're drawn
> to.
> > Engaging in happy ways with your children is more important than
> continuing
> > to engage unhappily with your parents.
> >
> > Focus on setting things up so that your children have interesting, joyful
> > days. If your parents can be a welcome part of any of those plans, tell
> > them what, when, where. If them being a part of the plans isn't going to
> > work, don't invite them in. Think more about happy plans, than setting
> > boundaries.
> >
> > Debbie
> >
> >
> >
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=- We have told her since he was 9 years
old he didnt need a phone-=-

I think you should let her buy it for him if she wants to AND IF HE WANTS IT!
Why is it between you and her, and not between her and her grandson?

-=-She doesnt speak to me unless it is to pick up the kids. She wants a relationship with my
kids but not me.-=-

She has a relationship with your children. They are related. It's very normal, common, expected that some people might not have been the best parents but are Great grandparents! Not always, but would you consider whether that might be the case here?

Are you using your children as a tool (for communication or manipulation) in an ongoing problem between you and your mom? If yes, think about talking to one of these folks: http://sandradodd.com/issues'therapy
If not, disregard this. It's find if it doesn't apply to you. One of the hundreds of lurkers might be opening her eyes wide right now and thinking "yikes; I hadn't thought of it that way" about her own family situation.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

 

 
The latest thing is that my mom wants to buy my 12 year old son his own
iphone that she wants to pay for. We have told her since he was 9 years
old he didnt need a phone. He has a computer and skype. She doesnt speak
to me unless it is to pick up the kids. She wants a relationship with my
kids but not me.
-=-=-=-=-
and WHY not? Does he not want one? If he is at a friend's home it would be good if he has his own phone , or just being out and about.
I would be grateful if my mom wanted to get an Iphone for my son!
Let them have a relationship. Maybe she is a nice grandmother than she is a mother. I have seen that happen. 

Alex Polikowsky

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

chris ester

On Sun, Aug 18, 2013 at 11:37 PM, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <
polykowholsteins@...> wrote:

> **
> -=-=-=-=-
> and WHY not? Does he not want one? If he is at a friend's home it would be
> good if he has his own phone , or just being out and about.
> I would be grateful if my mom wanted to get an Iphone for my son!
> Let them have a relationship. Maybe she is a nice grandmother than she is
> a mother. I have seen that happen.
>
> Alex Polikowsky<<<<<<<
>
> Sometimes grandparents try to help by giving things that are out of the
financial reach of their children. Any thing that your parents purchase is
money you are not spending.

Perhaps, you need a fresher perspective? Your mom could be trying to have
a more peaceful relationship with you by avoiding the opportunity for
conflict. Which might mean avoiding conversation...

Again, this is for you to consider. I don't KNOW the situation.

You can't really know what her motivations are.
Be grateful if your children have a good, positive relationship with their
grandparents. Not every child has the opportunity. Every positive
relationship in a childhood helps that child grow in a positive direction.
chris


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Brandi Yates

I did let him get the phone. Maybe she is a nicer grandmother. I just
have four kids and soon they will all want phones and they are very
expensive.


On Sun, Aug 18, 2013 at 11:37 PM, BRIAN POLIKOWSKY <
polykowholsteins@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The latest thing is that my mom wants to buy my 12 year old son his own
> iphone that she wants to pay for. We have told her since he was 9 years
> old he didnt need a phone. He has a computer and skype. She doesnt speak
> to me unless it is to pick up the kids. She wants a relationship with my
> kids but not me.
> -=-=-=-=-
> and WHY not? Does he not want one? If he is at a friend's home it would be
> good if he has his own phone , or just being out and about.
> I would be grateful if my mom wanted to get an Iphone for my son!
> Let them have a relationship. Maybe she is a nice grandmother than she is
> a mother. I have seen that happen.
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Megan Valnes

I've lived with watching my mother transform from a not-so-great-mom-to-me
into a stellar grandmother for my children. She embraces the unschooling
concept and often expresses how she wishes she would have the knowledge
"back then". Through my children, and her grandchildren, my mother and I
have repaired our own relationship. It's really quite beautiful.
On Aug 18, 2013 8:38 PM, "BRIAN POLIKOWSKY" <polykowholsteins@...>
wrote:

> **
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The latest thing is that my mom wants to buy my 12 year old son his own
> iphone that she wants to pay for. We have told her since he was 9 years
> old he didnt need a phone. He has a computer and skype. She doesnt speak
> to me unless it is to pick up the kids. She wants a relationship with my
> kids but not me.
> -=-=-=-=-
> and WHY not? Does he not want one? If he is at a friend's home it would be
> good if he has his own phone , or just being out and about.
> I would be grateful if my mom wanted to get an Iphone for my son!
> Let them have a relationship. Maybe she is a nice grandmother than she is
> a mother. I have seen that happen.
>
> Alex Polikowsky
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-I did let him get the phone. Maybe she is a nicer grandmother. I just
have four kids and soon they will all want phones and they are very
expensive.-=-

Is she everyone's grandmother?
It seems you're looking for trouble that hasn't come.

http://sandradodd.com/negativity

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

BRIAN POLIKOWSKY

 

>
> Sometimes grandparents try to help by giving things that are out of the
financial reach of their children. Any thing that your parents purchase is
money you are not spending.
-=-=-=-=-=-
One of the great things about learning in my journey unschooling is thinking outside the box and looking for solutions. 
Not outside the box as in being  ant-mainstream. I am talking about  finding solutions and ways to help everyone's needs to be met and getting my family what they want  when we can and the way we can.
One does not have to have a phone number or be connected to a phone server to have an IPhone. MY son has an Iphone that we bought him
It cost me $0,01 ( yes one cent that is not a typo) and I pay nothing a month for him to use it. 
Right now we cannot afford to add another number to our account but he can use his phone with an old SIM card that is not activated and what happens is that the phone works exactly like an Ipod. If he is connected to any Wi-Fi he can text, Skype, Netflix, surf the net and even some free texting apps that you can also buy some phone talk minutes ( we use skype so no need for it but we use for texting-free)
So when parents just say " NO we cannot do it they close themselves to looking for options and other ways of doing thinds
But when parents focus on their kids and in solutions and they say: "lets see how we could do this " they will research, ask around and most of the time find a way to say yes, work things out and both the parents and the children will not only be learning how to problem solve but the kids will be learning their parents are partners they can count on to take them seriously.

Alex Polikowsky

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Karen

> I've lived with watching my mother transform from a not-so-great-mom-to-me
> into a stellar grandmother for my children. She embraces the unschooling
> concept and often expresses how she wishes she would have the knowledge
> "back then". Through my children, and her grandchildren, my mother and I
> have repaired our own relationship. It's really quite beautiful.
***********

Yes, this has happened to some extent with my parents as well. While I would not say my parents are stellar grandparents, I can certainly see that they are trying hard to understand our choices and have a loving relationship with us and our son. In watching Doug and I with Ethan, they have witnessed what a loving parent-child relationship looks like--something, sadly, neither of them had in their own homes as children. I think it has impacted them positively. I mentioned before that my dad said "I love you" to me for the first time a few years ago. I could tell it wasn't easy for him to say that to me. It was a risk. That was profoundly moving for me. It healed a good chunk of the hurt I had been carrying around for so long. My mom has also mentioned to me that she admires the mom I have become. She, too, has said that she wishes she had the knowledge I have now when she was raising my brothers and myself. Slowly, good memories, are crowding out the older ones. I say good riddance. Resentment is too heavy a burden to bear, at least for me.

I've said this before, but try, if you can, not to focus on the negative in your relationship with your parents. I don't mean pretend things didn't happen. I don't mean pretend those things didn't hurt or didn't have an impact on you. What I mean is, while acknowledging that difficulties do exist, try to look past them when you can, to actively find something that looks nicer, better, more useful as a point of focus for moving forward.

And remember, you as a parent, are the greatest influence in your children's lives now. The grandparents are not. Use your influence to make your children's lives easier and more joyful than yours was. Support and encourage their relationships with family and friends. Be there for them when something or someone makes them happy, or when something or someone disappoints them. Use what you've learned along the way to help them navigate relationships better than you did. That level of generosity is very healing in my experience.

Karen

>>>>>Does anyone have any book recommendations?<<<<<

I learned a lot about myself reading here on this list, thinking about what was said, seeing if it applied to me, and reflecting on how I could improve. That said, I did find a few books helpful.

Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart by Epstein

My husband has a go to book that Sandra actually recommended a couple of times. He finds this book really helps him center his thoughts.

Slowing Down to the Speed of Life by Richard Carlson

These books were helpful to us because they addressed each our own personal challenges. Your difficulties will likely be different. The more clear you are about where your difficulties lie, the easier it will be for you to address them effectively.

Karen.