Eileen

To me the article title is a moot point. I have never heard anyone recommend that it is or should be One-Size-Fits-All. I think it is a bogus notion.

The face book interchange was not wonderful as Wendy suggests. I didn't follow it's entirety for this reason. I sensed the opposition quickly and recognized the dispute. I had no input there but saw the implications against my most valued resource for understanding how to unschool better.

The complaints on facebook and in this most recent article seem to miss the point of discussing the challenging ideas of preserving marriage and family peace as a pilar of better unschooling. Listening to and supporting a child and honoring desires for the sake of real/individual learning. Whether about eating, video game play or watching tv, or extending principles of kindness and honoring to partners. These provocative discussions in favor of paying close attention and remaining positively engaged in the process with our children and partners are what I have derived from The Always Learning List.

I think Wendy has misunderstood and perhaps has never excersized what she has written.The misconstrued idea of freedom as it pertains to radical unschooling has been clarified many times over on this list and no one is forcing any opinions upon me about how to be a better partner with my children or my spouse. There are thought provoking discussions that have helped me to question and grow as I make deliberate choices, every minute, every day and there are no
have-to's!
That's what I love about The Always Learning List!

On the contrary Wendy's words are not helpful. I find the article vague, negative and an inaccurate.

A long time ago Joyce's website pointed me toward joy and real happiness in learning with my family. Her site led to compelling discussions and interchange among contributors here on the Always Learning List.
I find subtlety in Sandra's plain language (some call blunt). It is genius to me! I get her.
(I love how she states that she likes her husband Keith) this is so sweetly provacitive.
It is such a good thought. I've already seen it repeated and I don't think it coincidence. What Sandra has to say makes good sense to me. Real ideas to be borrowed and put to good use!

To me Sandra presents peices to a puzzle. She gives excellent clues in her plain language(blunt to some) to solve your very own mysteries. She shares just enough wisdom and opinion based on personal history and real experiences! She preserves tons of collected wisdoms, experiences and opinions of others and claims no glory for herself because it is your own process that you find answers to your very own questions.

She knows how learning occurs. It is individual! It is not One-Size-Fits-All ever.





>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-These provocative discussions in favor of paying close attention and remaining positively engaged in the process with our children and partners are what I have derived from The Always Learning List.-=-

Thanks, Eileen. That's a beautiful observation and summary.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-To me the article title is a moot point. I have never heard anyone recommend that it is or should be One-Size-Fits-All. I think it is a bogus notion.-=-

I think this is the kind of misunderstanding Joyce likes to untangle! :-)

I assume that what was being suggested in the article was that there's more than one way to discuss it and more than one way to unschool.

Okay. No doubt that's true, because it IS being discussed and done all kinds of ways.

What the article seems to suggest, though, is that every discussion should accept and support and affirm every OTHER idea of every other unschooler, past present and future, as equally valid and acceptable, withotu any benefit or advantage in anything whatsoever.

I don't feel like doing that with my volunteer time. If everything is equally valid, the needles on all compasses spin, and there is no north. There is no way to "make the better choice" if there is no "better." If all ideas are equal, I've just wasted thousands of hours and a couple of decades imagining, wrongly, that there were some ideas that could help people live more peacefully, and some ideas that could help parents overcome some of their own childhood wounds in the course of providing as peaceful an environment as they could for the children they choose to bring into their families. I didn't even know, for the first ten years of all this, that if the ideas were really internalized and started to work in the families in such ways that the parents REALLY got it, that it would make thei marriages stronger, too. I didn't know, for the first six of my unschooling that my own family would be happier and I would be more at peace if I stopped trying to get the kids to clean the house, and did it while they were playing or sleeping.

We've had an amorphous, changing but growing co-op of idea sharing for a long time, from *Prodigy through AOL and all the discussions that some of us participate in still. Ideas have become as polished as rocks in a tumbler, as smooth as long-sanded hardwood.

The kind of unschooling we talk about works the same way for any child, if the parents care to understand and apply it. There's not one kind of unschooling for ADD or Asperger's or Blind or Dyslexic and another for Average or Gifted or Idiot-Savant (whatever the term of the season is for that). In that way, Schuyler's right. The same principles work, when it's about seeing the child directly and helping him do what he wants to do. Provide safety and peace and attention and things to perceive and play with.

So if someone says "True or false: Unschooling is one-size-fits-all," I guess the answer will need to be "What do you mean?" or "Why are you asking?"

Sandra

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Sandra Dodd

Find and meet other unschoolers, and emulate those whose relationships within their family and understanding of learning seem best.

Read a little. Try a little. Don't do what you don't understand.

=============

That's from the middle of this:
http://sandradodd.com/video/doright

I went to get that link because Geri Weis-Corbley was bummed a bit that the interview of Pam Laricchia wasn't audio.

I just spotted that bit. Didn't even read the rest.

Sandra

chris ester

On Fri, Mar 1, 2013 at 11:08 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
> >>>>Find and meet other unschoolers, and emulate those whose relationships
> within their family and understanding of learning seem best.
>
> Read a little. Try a little. Don't do what you don't understand.<<<<<
>

I am always stunned when someone (usually a homeschooler) tells me how neat
my kids are and how wonderful that they are (I heartily agree) and then
they tell me how they *couldn't* unschool their own kids because their own
children are just not as wonderful as my kids and need to be forced to
learn/eat well/do things that are right and healthy!!

I usually smile and explain that change is always a process and maybe they
could read a little (this is where I mention this group) about unschooling
and try a few things that aren't too scary to see how it goes. I then
explain that unschooling is a natural extension of joy and happiness
becoming the focus of our life first and learning being part of the joy of
living, not a chore to be handled.

I tell them that learning happens unless we get in the way. I am confident
that the person watching me and my children interact can see that my
children are not left to their own devices and that they have a guide (me)
when they need one.

But I really feel sad when someone denigrates their own child/children as
an excuse for not trying unschooling.
chris


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Joyce Fetteroll

On Mar 2, 2013, at 12:49 AM, chris ester wrote:

> they tell me how they *couldn't* unschool their own kids because their own
> children are just not as wonderful as my kids

We don't get to treat our kids kindly because they're nice. They're nice because we treat them kindly:-)

Joyce

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Meredith

Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>> What the article seems to suggest, though, is that every discussion should accept and support and affirm every OTHER idea of every other unschooler, past present and future, as equally valid and acceptable, withotu any benefit or advantage in anything whatsoever.
**************

It's a kind of schoolish "everyone has to be included all the time" sort of ideal which is very pervasive - and entirely unattainable. The idea is inherently paradoxical; the very "openness" is going to drive some people away, people who want something more. Including every idea means analyzing none, only rehashing the most generally acceptible in the blandest way: why can't we all Just Get Along?

Sometimes the way to get along is by staying away from people you disagree with. I think the aspect that irks me most is that when people voluntarily stay away from groups or situations in order to be peaceful, it's seen as a kind of defiance - and in schoolish terms, it is! It's breaking the rule that "everyone has to be included all the time".

I'm not interested in including everyone - in that sense, I agree that unschooling is Not one-size-fits-all: not every family can do it. Period. I'm also not interested in groups which pretend to be one-size-fits-all. At best, they do as well as clothing of the same description - which is to say, they fit everyone within a single standard deviation of the norm.

---Meredith

Meredith

Joyce Fetteroll <jfetteroll@...> wrote:
> We don't get to treat our kids kindly because they're nice. They're nice because we treat them kindly:-)

Oooooh... now you're blaming the parent again!
(snort)
---Mer

Pam Sorooshian

>>

> What the article seems to suggest, though, is that every discussion should
> accept and support and affirm every OTHER idea of every other unschooler,
> past present and future, as equally valid and acceptable, withotu any
> benefit or advantage in anything whatsoever.>>


I think we are bending some social norms here by being openly critical
directly at people, rather than more indirectly in impersonal articles.

What happens here is that when people's ideas are challenged they feel
personally insulted, and either they get defensive and argue or back out
licking their wounds and telling everybody some unschoolers are mean.

When someone's ideas are critically analyzed and challenged they often feel
like we are saying, "You are a bad parent." They also often respond as if
we had said, "We don't like you. You can't play with us."

We are doing something like martial arts. People come here and we work out
together - in a dojo they punch and kick and here we use words to critique
each other for a reason. In martial arts it is to improve stamina,
strength, balance, centered thinking, calmness, quickness, etc. Here it is
to support our kids natural learning and live joy-filled lives outside of
school. There is nothing that we're doing here that is for the purpose of
hurting or insulting or scaring someone, but if they wander into the dojo
and onto the mat without understanding what is going on, they're going to
feel scared, hurt, attacked and the same is true here.

The critics, like Wendy, are more or less saying that "I" shouldn't be
allowed to study martial arts because some people keep on wandering into
the dojo and onto the mat and getting hurt. We have warning signs all OVER
the place and people are ignoring or not understanding them. And we keep
trying to make the warning signs bigger, brighter, more clear, harder to
ignore.

I think it is extremely rude for people to leave a group and go off other
places and talk about it behind the backs of those of us involved. Tacky
rude. Gossip. What they say happened is often wrong and always seen through
the eyes of someone who never understood they were in a dojo in the first
place.

To those who don't like this: Why not just say, "Always Learning" isn't my
kind of sport." Go play tennis or do yoga instead of doing martial arts -
or go have a tea party. Do whatever you want to do - nobody is making you
come or stay here. So why so much hostility carried on and on and on. Quit
complaining about something that "I" and many others enjoy the heck out of,
learn a lot from, and want to do. Just go. Or stay and watch if you want.
Leave and come back as often as you wish. All up to you.

-pam


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-But I really feel sad when someone denigrates their own child/children as
an excuse for not trying unschooling.-=-

Yes.
And a step up from that is when people say they would never be able to homeschool because the couldn't stand to be around their kids all day.

If school hadn't put a wedge in between them, perhaps they would enjoy each other's company.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Shauna Reisewitz

****We are doing something like martial arts. People come here and we work out
together - in a dojo they punch and kick and here we use words to critique
each other for a reason. In martial arts it is to improve stamina,
strength, balance, centered thinking, calmness, quickness, etc. Here it is
to support our kids natural learning and live joy-filled lives outside of
school. There is nothing that we're doing here that is for the purpose of
hurting or insulting or scaring someone, but if they wander into the dojo
and onto the mat without understanding what is going on, they're going to
feel scared, hurt, attacked and the same is true here.*****

OH I get it! This analogy really helped me to get why I've felt "attacked" most of the times I post here. I've wandered on the mat sometimes with ideas that aren't clearly defined, or that need a little refinement, or I'm looking in a different direction all together. Maybe at times I've even brought a gymnastics move move, or something unrelated here, and when someone cried "foul" I felt attacked rather than noticing I was playing the wrong sport.

Perhaps someone hits me from a direction I wan't expecting, and I feel misunderstood, rather than just understanding it's ideas being punched and kicked around.

Hmm, Great analogy Pam! Perhaps putting a warning similar to that paragraph there would help people understand.

This analogy also explains why I haven't left and why I have continued to find value despite feeling attacked. I have never been one to back away from a challenge that I feel can make me stronger.

Sandra Dodd

-=-Perhaps someone hits me from a direction I wan't expecting, and I feel misunderstood, rather than just understanding it's ideas being punched and kicked around.-=-

While I'm glad the analogy was helpful, I don't like the roughness of it myself. Ideas are picked up and examined, not punched and kicked around.

-=-Perhaps putting a warning similar to that paragraph there would help people understand. -=-

There where?

People probably would not believe the amount of time and effort that have gone into descriptions and revised and clarified descriptions and definitions and guidelines for this discussion and others similar and those that came before it. But people don't see them, or don't think it applies to them.

I will save what Pam wrote, as I've saved lots of things. I'm working on a directory page for all the saved up topics, but I'm working on lots of things all the time, and that isn't my main priority, partly because I think this, if a person read it and followed the links, would help.

http://sandradodd.com/lists/alwayslearningNEW.html

At the bottom of that page it says, of reading the three links,
That might take you half an hour, but it's a good investment. Those who post inappropriately take hundreds of man-hours from the collective lives of the 2000+ members of the list.

Would MORE "warnings" really help, since people ignore the ones that are there?

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pam Sorooshian

On Sun, Mar 3, 2013 at 8:58 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

While I'm glad the analogy was helpful, I don't like the roughness of it
> myself. Ideas are picked up and examined, not punched and kicked around.


Those who are used to this style of discussion and also typically on the
offering side of it, may not feel it that way, but what many other people
feel is that they post something and wait for it to be attacked. There is a
strong punch in many responses. I'm tough and I love it but I have, myself,
felt a rush of defensiveness that I had to learn to handle. That is one of
those things we learn from this kind of discussion - how to get past our
own defensiveness to be able to listen/understand/consider ideas that
flat-out contradict or criticize us. Most people don't do that in normal
social situations like a birthday party or even a park day gathering - they
don't bluntly and clearly flat-out contradict or criticize another person.
They don't say things like, "That is not kind," or "That won't help your
family's happiness."

People come here for that kind of honesty, but even for those of us who
want it, it is strong stuff and feels quite rough at times. We're looking
for each others' weaknesses (in behavior and thinking) and pointing them
out. In public. We might think we are just offering ideas and letting
people pick and choose - but they are responses to specific incidences
involving people's real children and clearly people feel sensitive and get
defensive because they feel attacked (no matter how many times we repeat
the idea that if the shoe doesn't fit, don't put it on).

Other places, people are invited to a tea party - everybody is sweet and
soothing and careful with each others' sensitive feelings and anything that
might contradict someone else's idea is sugar-coated and offered on a tray
with other sweets and if the person chooses to ignore it, everybody
pretends it was never even there. The blunt statements and direct
contradictions and commenting on things people didn't necessarily mean to
reveal and so on - that is rough stuff to be on the receiving end of. But
the most significant difference is that we don't hesitate to openly point
out things that people would carefully ignore in other venues.

I think almost everyone (not everyone - but almost everyone) experiences
this process as rough. Too rough for many people. I'm not going to deny
that it is rough but I'm not going to apologize for it, either. Why should
we NOT do it because some people don't like it?

Also - I do agree with Sandra that we have spent hundreds of hours trying
to make the warnings clear so people will know what they are getting into -
but it doesn't matter what the warnings say if people ignore them.

-pam


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-That is one of those things we learn from this kind of discussion - how to get past our own defensiveness to be able to listen/understand/consider ideas that flat-out contradict or criticize us.-=-

True.
And any unschooler will be faced with criticism and questions that ARE direct and personal, probably in public, maybe at family gatherings, or homeschool park days, or in grocery store lines. If they've practiced examining what they believe and why, they will be much better prepared to give a simple, clear response.

If they've been spending their time in "supportive" tea parties where people smile and dodge, they are VERY likely to say that their relatives are mean, and other homeschoolers are rude, and strangers are intrusive, as that will be simpler than to consider whether they even CAN defend the things they have chose to do.

But this group is not created and mainted for people to be mean, rude or intrusive. Still, it can be a place where people can learn to deal with real questions from real people who ARE concerned that their children grow up securely, and in peace, and that they are learning.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

chris ester

On Sat, Mar 2, 2013 at 5:36 PM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

> **
>
>
> -=-But I really feel sad when someone denigrates their own child/children
> as
> an excuse for not trying unschooling.-=-
>
> >>>Yes.
> And a step up from that is when people say they would never be able to
> homeschool because the couldn't stand to be around their kids all day.
>
> If school hadn't put a wedge in between them, perhaps they would enjoy
> each other's company.
>
>
> Sandra<<<<<
>

I was conventionally schooled, with a fair amount of 'success' (as defined
by school), but hated most of it from age 9 on. My mother was one of the
"strange" parents that looked forward to school breaks, weekends and
vacations. I remember her writing a note on more than one occasion that I
was unable to complete this and such assignment because of a family event.
I remember her being very pissed that the school interfered with family
time. She didn't know there was an alternative, but saw school as a
necessary evil.

Before she died, she expressed that she wished she had known about home
schooling because it would have been so much easier than dealing with the
school system.

Maybe I was "primed" for unschooling by my mom?!
Chris

>
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-Maybe I was "primed" for unschooling by my mom?!-=-

That's a great deal!!
You know, I guess, how lucky you are that you had a mom who looked forward to spending time with you. :-)

And for all the parents who wish their children would do what they had not been able to do, this (homeschooling, when she wishes she could have) is a huge three-for-one! You get to do it for your mom, yourself, and your children!

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

emstrength3

--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
>
> We are doing something like martial arts. People come here and we work out
> together - in a dojo they punch and kick and here we use words to critique
> each other for a reason. In martial arts it is to improve stamina,
> strength, balance, centered thinking, calmness, quickness, etc. Here it is
> to support our kids natural learning and live joy-filled lives outside of
> school. There is nothing that we're doing here that is for the purpose of
> hurting or insulting or scaring someone, but if they wander into the dojo
> and onto the mat without understanding what is going on, they're going to
> feel scared, hurt, attacked and the same is true here.
>



This is exactly why I post here. I might go weeks at a time without reading here or sometimes read daily, but don't post. When I do post, it's usually because I'm feeling my parenting slipping or because I know that I'm not doing as well as I could be. So I post here to get the kick in the butt I need.

Someone commented once that my blog made it seem like I have it all figured out. I told her that was because I post the successes there (though I often talk about how I struggled to get to that success as well), but when I'm in the midst of struggling I post here to get clarity.

Even with that being my reason, I have gotten defensive at times, so reminders like this are good.

Emily