Children addressing adults by their first names instead of their title
Lesa Owens
I wanted to know how others would deal with this. I have 3 childredn: Lynet (30) w/2 boys (5) & (2) , my oldest son Emannuel (23), and Jalen (13). We got into a discussion about kids calling adults by their names because my 5 y/o grandson was calling Lynet by her name. She works with 4 y/o at a daycare her boys go to and there she is Miss Lynet. It bothered my son Emannuel that he was doing this. Lynet corrected him , her son, but he laughed and kept doing it. I said, what is the big deal? How is it disrespectful? He's saying what he hears other adults call you and his behavior is not disrespectful. He was saying, Lynet can I have some of granny's cake? Jalen then asked if he could call me by my name? The older two looked to see what I would say. I said I couldn't care less. They rolled their eyes in disbelief. I reminded them though they don't remember that they did the same thing just younger than 13 and I didn't care then. My mother did though. So Jalen tried it a couple of times but he's so used to saying mom that he dropped it. I'm just wondering how if anyone else has dealt with this and how it was handled.
Sandra Dodd
-=- what is the big deal? How is it disrespectful? -=-
Lesa, before this is discussed any further, please state where you grew up and where you're living now. It will make a huge difference in the responses. (Or in mine, at least.)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa, before this is discussed any further, please state where you grew up and where you're living now. It will make a huge difference in the responses. (Or in mine, at least.)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lesa Owens
I was born in Northern CA but between birth and 11 grew up all over because my dad was in the Air Force. From 11 until now I've lived in Southern CA.
------------------------------
------------------------------
On Sat, Feb 25, 2012 1:07 PM PST Sandra Dodd wrote:
>-=- what is the big deal? How is it disrespectful? -=-
>
>Lesa, before this is discussed any further, please state where you grew up and where you're living now. It will make a huge difference in the responses. (Or in mine, at least.)
>
>[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
hamsder clan
I was born in B.C., Canada and moved to Virginia when I was 2. My family
lived in Virginia until I was 9, then moved to Southern California. I went
to college in Portland, Oregon at 17 and now (at 36) live in rural southern
Oregon.
I have always called my parents by their first names. I never gave it a
second thought until I was in school and other kids started asking me if I
was adopted or assumed that my parents were actually step-parents. My
parents never tried to make us call them by their names, they just didn't
change the way they interacted with each other (in that respect, anyway)
after they had kids.
When our children were born, my husband and I didn't think about it too
hard one way or the other, but we also didn't call each other "mom" and
"dad." It was always "Emile has a balloon ready for you" not "Dad has a
balloon ready for you." I mean, why would *I* call him Dad... he's not my
Dad, right? ;)
Our daughter (7) has gone through phases of calling us by our titles,
usually after a spate of watching TV/movies with lots of parent/child
interactions, but our names are definitely the norm. Our son (5) has always
used our names.
It's very important to Emile's father that our kids call him "Grandpa," so
we call him "Grandpa Don" when we're talking to them about him and
sometimes even remind them before a visit about his preferences. Because it
is so important to Don, and they love him, I want to help them prevent any
hiccups in their relationship with him.
Our siblings and close cousins (and even some unrelated friends close to
our age) all get called by Uncle or Aunt... at least when the kids talk
*about* them. In conversation *with* them, the title probably gets left off
about half the time. I think this has developed partly out of the purely
practical consideration of some common names in our circles... if the title
gets left off we end up having to go through the whole "Do you mean Uncle
Josh or Hunter's Dad Josh" every time some names come up.
Emile and I don't have strong feelings about titles, so if we lived in an
environment where bucking that cultural norm would have a negative impact
on our lives as a family, things might be different. And so far we have
chosen to develop new habits as necessary to maintain important
relationships.
Plus, it sure is convenient in a crowded park not to wonder if every kid
yelling, "Mom!" might be trying to get my attention. :)
--jenny (Larkin 7, Finn 5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lived in Virginia until I was 9, then moved to Southern California. I went
to college in Portland, Oregon at 17 and now (at 36) live in rural southern
Oregon.
I have always called my parents by their first names. I never gave it a
second thought until I was in school and other kids started asking me if I
was adopted or assumed that my parents were actually step-parents. My
parents never tried to make us call them by their names, they just didn't
change the way they interacted with each other (in that respect, anyway)
after they had kids.
When our children were born, my husband and I didn't think about it too
hard one way or the other, but we also didn't call each other "mom" and
"dad." It was always "Emile has a balloon ready for you" not "Dad has a
balloon ready for you." I mean, why would *I* call him Dad... he's not my
Dad, right? ;)
Our daughter (7) has gone through phases of calling us by our titles,
usually after a spate of watching TV/movies with lots of parent/child
interactions, but our names are definitely the norm. Our son (5) has always
used our names.
It's very important to Emile's father that our kids call him "Grandpa," so
we call him "Grandpa Don" when we're talking to them about him and
sometimes even remind them before a visit about his preferences. Because it
is so important to Don, and they love him, I want to help them prevent any
hiccups in their relationship with him.
Our siblings and close cousins (and even some unrelated friends close to
our age) all get called by Uncle or Aunt... at least when the kids talk
*about* them. In conversation *with* them, the title probably gets left off
about half the time. I think this has developed partly out of the purely
practical consideration of some common names in our circles... if the title
gets left off we end up having to go through the whole "Do you mean Uncle
Josh or Hunter's Dad Josh" every time some names come up.
Emile and I don't have strong feelings about titles, so if we lived in an
environment where bucking that cultural norm would have a negative impact
on our lives as a family, things might be different. And so far we have
chosen to develop new habits as necessary to maintain important
relationships.
Plus, it sure is convenient in a crowded park not to wonder if every kid
yelling, "Mom!" might be trying to get my attention. :)
--jenny (Larkin 7, Finn 5)
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-From 11 until now I've lived in Southern CA. -=-
So this "Miss-whatever" is happening in Southern California? If it's in conjunction with a church, I'd go with the flow. If it's not, I would say it's not local tradition. If you were in the Bible Belt or the southeast, I'd say it IS local tradition.
We have had two families move here (from NC/Texas and from Alabama) and insisted their kids call me "Mrs. Dodd." I told the kids when the parents weren't around that I would feel more comfortable if they'd call me Sandra, but they just looked at me with big eyes, or looked away embarrassed (three kids in each family; I got a variety of responses) and then they just called me "Mrs. Adams" more quietly, and nervously. So I ended up making them uncomfortable, and that's not a good idea.
If someone REALLY is uncomfortable, it might be worth adjusting toward the discomfort instead of insisting that the newer more liberal stance is good and right. There doesn't need to be an all or nothing, usually. Someone can call me one thing in one circumstance, and something else another time (though those southern kids couldn't).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
So this "Miss-whatever" is happening in Southern California? If it's in conjunction with a church, I'd go with the flow. If it's not, I would say it's not local tradition. If you were in the Bible Belt or the southeast, I'd say it IS local tradition.
We have had two families move here (from NC/Texas and from Alabama) and insisted their kids call me "Mrs. Dodd." I told the kids when the parents weren't around that I would feel more comfortable if they'd call me Sandra, but they just looked at me with big eyes, or looked away embarrassed (three kids in each family; I got a variety of responses) and then they just called me "Mrs. Adams" more quietly, and nervously. So I ended up making them uncomfortable, and that's not a good idea.
If someone REALLY is uncomfortable, it might be worth adjusting toward the discomfort instead of insisting that the newer more liberal stance is good and right. There doesn't need to be an all or nothing, usually. Someone can call me one thing in one circumstance, and something else another time (though those southern kids couldn't).
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-Plus, it sure is convenient in a crowded park not to wonder if every kid
yelling, "Mom!" might be trying to get my attention. :)-=-
When I hear "Sandra!" in Holly's voice or Marty's, I know I must have missed a "mom!" in a crowded room.
I don't think Kirby has ever called me "Sandra."
I refer to my husband as "Keith" to them. He says "your mother" when he's talking about me. I used to say "Keith's mom" about my mother in law, and he would say "your grandmother." (Boston/Detroit white-collar habits in his family, northern New Mexico casual habits in mine.) They call me mom, him dad, and the grandparents "grandma and grandpa."
Other people they usually call by first name, unless they get a hint or indication not to.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
yelling, "Mom!" might be trying to get my attention. :)-=-
When I hear "Sandra!" in Holly's voice or Marty's, I know I must have missed a "mom!" in a crowded room.
I don't think Kirby has ever called me "Sandra."
I refer to my husband as "Keith" to them. He says "your mother" when he's talking about me. I used to say "Keith's mom" about my mother in law, and he would say "your grandmother." (Boston/Detroit white-collar habits in his family, northern New Mexico casual habits in mine.) They call me mom, him dad, and the grandparents "grandma and grandpa."
Other people they usually call by first name, unless they get a hint or indication not to.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lovelyjessie82
==Other people they usually call by first name, unless they get a hint or indication not to.==
I always addressed my piano teacher by her first name because that's how my parents addressed her. I didn't think anything about it until I heard others students call her "Mrs. Murray". She never asked me to address her any differently, though. I'm from Oklahoma. When we visited North Carolina last year, someone made a point of telling us that it was part of the culture for kids to address adults with "Miss" and "Mr.", as in, "Mr. Doug" and "Miss Denise", so we made an effort to do that.
Sent from my Samsung Epic™ 4G Touch
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I always addressed my piano teacher by her first name because that's how my parents addressed her. I didn't think anything about it until I heard others students call her "Mrs. Murray". She never asked me to address her any differently, though. I'm from Oklahoma. When we visited North Carolina last year, someone made a point of telling us that it was part of the culture for kids to address adults with "Miss" and "Mr.", as in, "Mr. Doug" and "Miss Denise", so we made an effort to do that.
Sent from my Samsung Epic™ 4G Touch
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie Hilbert
My daughter does the same thing! She usually calls me "Mom", but if I
don't hear her (in a crowded room), she'll call "Julie!" and it works!
lol
I have a variety of "names" in our 4-H Group. Some kids call me "Mrs.
Hilbert" and I didn't like that at first because it made me sound so
old, lol, but I finally consented to the fact that it's just the way
their parents have trained them to approach adults and that's okay.
Other kids call me "Miss Julie", which I'm used to because the kids I
taught in church called me that for years, and yet other kids who are in
families we're close to will just call me Julie.
I've often felt guilty that my own daughter would call adults by their
first names and have tried to get her to say "Miss" something instead,
but I'm training myself to be okay with whatever she calls them as long
as she is respectful to them, because that's what really counts.
Julie
don't hear her (in a crowded room), she'll call "Julie!" and it works!
lol
I have a variety of "names" in our 4-H Group. Some kids call me "Mrs.
Hilbert" and I didn't like that at first because it made me sound so
old, lol, but I finally consented to the fact that it's just the way
their parents have trained them to approach adults and that's okay.
Other kids call me "Miss Julie", which I'm used to because the kids I
taught in church called me that for years, and yet other kids who are in
families we're close to will just call me Julie.
I've often felt guilty that my own daughter would call adults by their
first names and have tried to get her to say "Miss" something instead,
but I'm training myself to be okay with whatever she calls them as long
as she is respectful to them, because that's what really counts.
Julie
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-Plus, it sure is convenient in a crowded park not to wonder if
every kid
> yelling, "Mom!" might be trying to get my attention. :)-=-
>
> When I hear "Sandra!" in Holly's voice or Marty's, I know I must have
missed a "mom!" in a crowded room.
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I've often felt guilty that my own daughter would call adults by their
first names and have tried to get her to say "Miss" something instead,
but I'm training myself to be okay with whatever she calls them as long
as she is respectful to them, because that's what really counts.-=-
In some places and in some cases, there can't be respect without the title. Military. SCA, in formal cases. I don't use my regular-world "Mrs" but when Iw was very active in the SCA, there were times when I bristled at being called just my name (AElflaed) without a deferential add-on of some sort, depending who it was, and where it was, and what seemed to be their motive for being that way. It can be insulting to withhold what you know a person would prefer to be called. It's along the lines of saying "Bobby" to someone who only and has always used "Robert." At that point there is no chance to be respectful to them, and that's what really counts.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
first names and have tried to get her to say "Miss" something instead,
but I'm training myself to be okay with whatever she calls them as long
as she is respectful to them, because that's what really counts.-=-
In some places and in some cases, there can't be respect without the title. Military. SCA, in formal cases. I don't use my regular-world "Mrs" but when Iw was very active in the SCA, there were times when I bristled at being called just my name (AElflaed) without a deferential add-on of some sort, depending who it was, and where it was, and what seemed to be their motive for being that way. It can be insulting to withhold what you know a person would prefer to be called. It's along the lines of saying "Bobby" to someone who only and has always used "Robert." At that point there is no chance to be respectful to them, and that's what really counts.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Meredith
"Lesa Owens" <urcakedreams@...> wrote:
So the kids spend the day hearing other kids, as well as adults, call their mother "Miss Lynet"? Do I have that right? If that's the case, it's natural they would do it when they're home, too. If it really bothers the parents, they could talk to the kids about how they feel, and ask the kids call them Mom and Dad as a personal favor. George did that with Ray, when he was around 6. He talked about how much he liked being Ray's dad and liked the reminder that they were father and son - a sweet, loving reason.
---Meredith
> my 5 y/o grandson was calling Lynet by her name. She works with 4 y/o at a daycare her boys go to and there she is Miss Lynet.**************
So the kids spend the day hearing other kids, as well as adults, call their mother "Miss Lynet"? Do I have that right? If that's the case, it's natural they would do it when they're home, too. If it really bothers the parents, they could talk to the kids about how they feel, and ask the kids call them Mom and Dad as a personal favor. George did that with Ray, when he was around 6. He talked about how much he liked being Ray's dad and liked the reminder that they were father and son - a sweet, loving reason.
---Meredith
Julie van der Wekken
Our two boys (ages 6 and 10) have, for as long as I can remember, addressed my husband and I by our first names. Not sure how it started. I think our oldest started addressing us by our first names at some point and then when our second came along he followed suit. I've never really thought much about it. It really stumps other people who hear them call us by our first names, but it just seems natural in our family.
We've never been in any formal situation where an adult would be addressed as a "miss, mrs, or mr.", so they always address other adults by their first names as well. They do address my mom as "Grandma" and my husbands parents as "Oma & Opa".
Julie v.
We've never been in any formal situation where an adult would be addressed as a "miss, mrs, or mr.", so they always address other adults by their first names as well. They do address my mom as "Grandma" and my husbands parents as "Oma & Opa".
Julie v.
Bob Collier
--- In [email protected], "Julie van der Wekken" <thewekkenfam@...> wrote:
Her ten years younger brother has never called me anything other than "Bob". I didn't spend anywhere near as much time with him as I would have liked in his earliest years because of job commitments. After I quit my job when he was two to become a full time at-home parent again, there was quite a lot getting to know him to be done. I remember asking him when he was maybe about four or five (because I *was* kind of curious) did he realise I was his dad and he said yes; so I asked him why he called me "Bob" and he said, "because that's your name." I've never argued with that logic. After all, as with his sister, I called him by his name.
Meanwhile, both my daughter and son have never called my wife anything other than "Mummy" or "Mum". So it seems that in our case this is a preference that comes from our children. My wife and I have never expressed a counter-preference. It's not an issue for us.
Certainly when I was growing up in England in the 1950s and 60s, no child in my experience ever called any adult by their first name, never mind if that adult was your own mater or pater. It was practically forbidden.
My daughter's playmates and friends throughout her growing up years and into adulthood have generally called me by my first name, and the same with my son. My wife has always invited our children's friends to call her by her first name too. I think the change for us from our own childhood experiences in this respect has had a beneficial effect on our relationships with our children and their peers. I think it's helped them to appreciate that we're fellow human beings with similar concerns and imperfections not mysterious creatures on the other side of some kind of 'them and us' barrier.
Just as a side note as I think of it, a related feature of our experience of parenthood has been that neither my wife nor I have ever used pet names for our children. Always we call them by their given names or an informal variation of that. They've never been "sweetie" or "honey", or "son" or "buddy" or anything of that nature. I guess that's *our* preference going the other way.
Bob
>My daughter (now 26) called me by my first name until she started school at the age of five, and I guess she was simply doing what everybody else did. I was at home full-time with her or for her from when she was about seven months old until she was nine. I was comfortable with her calling me "Bob", so why not? After my daughter started school, she started calling me "Daddy" and that's what she's called me until fairly recently. In the past few years (I suppose since she left home), she's taken to calling me "Bobby". Which I would probably hate from anybody else but from my daughter it's kind of special.
> Our two boys (ages 6 and 10) have, for as long as I can remember, addressed my husband and I by our first names. Not sure how it started. I think our oldest started addressing us by our first names at some point and then when our second came along he followed suit. I've never really thought much about it. It really stumps other people who hear them call us by our first names, but it just seems natural in our family.
>
Her ten years younger brother has never called me anything other than "Bob". I didn't spend anywhere near as much time with him as I would have liked in his earliest years because of job commitments. After I quit my job when he was two to become a full time at-home parent again, there was quite a lot getting to know him to be done. I remember asking him when he was maybe about four or five (because I *was* kind of curious) did he realise I was his dad and he said yes; so I asked him why he called me "Bob" and he said, "because that's your name." I've never argued with that logic. After all, as with his sister, I called him by his name.
Meanwhile, both my daughter and son have never called my wife anything other than "Mummy" or "Mum". So it seems that in our case this is a preference that comes from our children. My wife and I have never expressed a counter-preference. It's not an issue for us.
Certainly when I was growing up in England in the 1950s and 60s, no child in my experience ever called any adult by their first name, never mind if that adult was your own mater or pater. It was practically forbidden.
My daughter's playmates and friends throughout her growing up years and into adulthood have generally called me by my first name, and the same with my son. My wife has always invited our children's friends to call her by her first name too. I think the change for us from our own childhood experiences in this respect has had a beneficial effect on our relationships with our children and their peers. I think it's helped them to appreciate that we're fellow human beings with similar concerns and imperfections not mysterious creatures on the other side of some kind of 'them and us' barrier.
Just as a side note as I think of it, a related feature of our experience of parenthood has been that neither my wife nor I have ever used pet names for our children. Always we call them by their given names or an informal variation of that. They've never been "sweetie" or "honey", or "son" or "buddy" or anything of that nature. I guess that's *our* preference going the other way.
Bob
Sandra Dodd
-=- I think the change for us from our own childhood experiences in this respect has had a beneficial effect on our relationships with our children and their peers. I think it's helped them to appreciate that we're fellow human beings with similar concerns and imperfections not mysterious creatures on the other side of some kind of 'them and us' barrier.-=-
In the early 1970's, the university seemed big on the younger professors asking students to call them by their first names, for those reasons. Rapport.
My husband and I call each other "Keith" and "Sandra." He calls our mid-kid "Martin," but everyone else calls him "Marty." Keith calls Holly "darlin'" a lot and nobody else ever used a pet name. The kids call us mom and dad.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
In the early 1970's, the university seemed big on the younger professors asking students to call them by their first names, for those reasons. Rapport.
My husband and I call each other "Keith" and "Sandra." He calls our mid-kid "Martin," but everyone else calls him "Marty." Keith calls Holly "darlin'" a lot and nobody else ever used a pet name. The kids call us mom and dad.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]