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<<<THIS September? You mean the other day, two or three months ago?>>>

Yep, my divorce began this September. I had felt like the b/f from 11 years
ago was "sent" to us by fate or guardian angels or whatever, and i was
feeling vulnerable, alone, and the knight on the white horse rode up at the
right time. I immersed myself into the new relationship. Definitely never
planned it. My normal support networks were gone due to many circumstances
that happened with my ex-husband.

<<<I would go more slowly, put your daughter first, don't get involved in
the other business, raise your kids "in parallel play" for a bit, and see
what comparisons naturally arise.>>>

After this weekend, we have chosen to keep out visits to one day a weekend.
Im sad, but relieved at once. Someone else mentioned about that's why
these types of intimate close connections are saved til marriage, & i agree
with part because i am feeling that separation from the person, but longed for
more productive time with my daughter. I didn't get involved with the
business of the other child this weekend, for the first time, and while i had
my daughter bring her own toys, books, etc, the little boy still was jumping
all her with joy for some attention. She has no space, had given up on
trying to show or discuss things with him. It seems impossible to parallel
play, she has tried. the son enjoys her, but she grows weary of his
breakdowns. Being only 8, i cant blame her for not having that much patience anymore.


<<<That could change after a while, when the kids miss them or situations
change. It could happen.>>>

Neither parent in both situation got even supervised visitation, its
probably healthier in both cases if neither sees the other abusive parent again.
The court's call. Things could change, but not in the forseeable future,
both have PFA's of 3 & 5 years.

<<<Also having an impact on your daughter, whether she'll admit it or
realize it or not. Your unschooling can't thrive in the sad shadow of another
kid's sorrow, and it's not your responsibility to keep the other child happy
if it's at your daughter's expense.>>>

I agree. I've done enough, and "robbed Peter to pay Paul" as the saying
goes. My daughter's time has been compromised. We even took him to and picked
him up from school a few times, where they played in the playground after
there for a bit, but my daughter felt compelled to look after the boy, as
she seemed to get along well with the children there, and the boy was crying
constantly over something.

<<<Maybe the best thing you can do for that boy is to step aside a way and
show what unschooling can look like. But even you can't see what it will
look like if you're embroiled in school-fueled sorrow.>>>

Thank you, and I feel I had tried such, and it seems everything i try to
set a subtle example, causes chaos and upsets the father because his son is
thrown off a schedule by playing too long and "getting cranky after bedtime"
or other such- hate to say it, but silly myths.

<<<His grandmother isn't her grandmother. I wouldn't stay there. Visit,
but don't live there. If your house is peaceful and his is increasingly not,
you will be a lure. If you stay there, you just keep THEIR house from being
peaceful. No peace for anybody.>>>

Our house is in turmoil right now as we are preparing to move, and also
filled with my exes stuff that he left behind so its not the most comfortable
setting. I admit, i used his place as a refuge for my own peace for a bit,
but the honeymoon stage is blowing over, and the grandmother's opinions are
starting to have an impact on me. She once referred to my daughter as her
new granddaughter, this made me happy and afraid all at once. What i went
through with my own mother to understand our choice to unschool was enough.

<<<The first part seems right. The middle part, maybe not even a full
school year. the last part!? MY ALARM WENT Woop/Woop/Woop. Don't justify your
romance with it being good for your daughter. I don't know (don't need to
know) details, but he might be a relatively positive male role model, but he's
recently divorced and is letting his mother persuade him to do old-timey,
sorrow-inducing things to his own child. Perhaps some distance is in order
while you consider how positive it all is.>>>

I agree also on these points. My desire to have a real "family" was winning
over my logical and enjoyable everyday life with my daughter. We are free
from the abusive marriage i was in, but while he agreed with unschooling,
it was not healthy. This boyfriend, while helping us through the healing
part of the fallout, & not physically abusive, isnt seeming to adhere or any
longer to our lifestyle or allowing us the time to enjoy or freedom.
Therefore could be just as emotionally damaging.

<<<Not your responsibility.
He can't look up to her if she's being a faker about bedtimes, and hiding
food.>>>

True, the answer used to be "because she's older", not now.

<<<It would sure make his life easier, for a week or so, if you would put
your daughter in school, wouldn't it? And honestly, if your daughter DOES
really like the guy, and she wouldn't mind school, and if this could lead to
marriage and the guy could support you all, maybe it's worth considering.
Practicalities are real.>>>

Yep, make his life easier, not mine. not hers. She and i had talked about
the possibilities of the future, and briefed over these. This time last
month he & i were discussing living together in New Jersey, (we are in PA) and
next year looking at bigger plans, and i admit the school his son attends
is much different than ANY ive seen or witnessed in my experience. But time
and stress over things lately have cancelled out his father asking us to
live there. So we are currently looking for a place nearby, where he even
said way back, "i would never put my son into the Philadelphia school system,
no wonder you dont do school!"

<<<We can't change the situation for you. I can tell you, though, for
sure, that if you allow that negativity to poison your daughter's happiness,
and your relationship with her, you aren't being a very good partner to your
daughter.>>>

I appreciate just having a group to bounce the stuff around that's in my
head. No unschooling friends or networks near me. Thank you. I had hoped
coming here for words get me back in a clear place with some perspective.
Sometimes i wonder if its me, "treating her like a 20 year old rather than a
kid", yes that was said to me by a so-called friend i no longer talk with.

<<<You can still love them, just from a little greater distance, maybe.
You could tell him that he seems to be hurting his son, and you're not
interested in expanding that hurt to your daughter.
Sandra>>>

thank you. I feel he's really struggling right now and at one time i may
have seemed like a good gentle step mother material for them both, to help
out, but now i think he realizes without me saying it that theres something
else more here with his son that needs addressing with his acting out and i
wont be adding anymore advice anytime soon.

Your inputs so appreciated! -Lynne


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