sashaviasasha

I have a three year old son and my 21 year old daughter is now returning home. I am overjoyed. It is likely to be a semi-permanent situation as she is pregnant and wants to live at home a while. I did not unschool her, though at one point I did take her out of school and keep her home.

I was a lot more traditional back then (though I would never of thought it) about discipline and controls. We had a pretty bumpy ride. She moved out when she was 16 and lived with my sister for a year before branching out on her own. Our relationship was transformed several years ago when I began applying the principles of unschooling to our relationship. Before that, there had been areas of her life that i refused to discuss with her or even acknowlege, including her work as an exotic dancer. This was work I had done and I was absolutely against it.

Over the last few years, I questioned my attitude, whether or not her experience had to be like mind and etc. Our whole relationship changed and my daughter has been changing. Her transformation has been astounding! She has gone from a person who couldn't do anything for herself, to someone who has really taken charge of her life. There is much more then I could even go into right now. She rented the car and planned the trip and has her dog with her.

Ok--deep breath--She's coming down and we are making our office a room for her. She loves tv, and anticipating her desire I have a tv fo her and am going to get some cable when she gets here. (I have never had TV) and I have determined to relax about the food she eats. (Before, when she visited food was an issue, because I was terrified to have any junk food around my son who was 1 and 2.) Though I have moved past this, I fear I'll lapse back into my old thinking. And what about my son? I admit I am a little nervous, though truthfully I've known this day was coming. Thankfully i have a long apartment and my daughters room is at one end and mine at the other. I don't like the sound of TV. I want to not just avoid, but to learn how not to be so affected by the sound of television.

I have a hands-off, supportive attitude, and she knows I am willing to help her when she asks. What can I do? She finished high school in an extended program, all of her own doing, and wants very much to get out of the work she is doing now. She may still do that work for several months, however. She is bringing the paints that sat unused for many years at my sisters house. She is a talented artist and cartoonist. She wants to go to college. And, of course, she is going to become a mother. I have a lot of opinions about all of the above, and some experience to offer her. I've been learning a lot about what my experience can't offer her, but now I want to think about what I can offer her. When can I suggest, can I still strew things, and how is the best way to do this? How to support choices that aren't in my opinion, the best ones? Sometimes I can be wrong about this, I know. How do I know when or if I should ever express my disapproval? She has not quit smoking though she says she plans to. I have been supporting and encouraging her both when she's not smoking and when she is. Can I ethically continue with this course of action? I don't want her to feel tense in her own home, no matter what. About caffeine I told her the guideline I myself had followed and then suggested she get online and look around, seeing what various different experts like midwives or doctors think.

Any suggestions for ways in general to support a 21 year old? For the first time in many years, I have time to give, though not a lot of material resources. Of course, my son is here. I know it will be a balancing act but luckily my husband is a great partner and he really supports my daughter and I to spend time together. And of course, she is an active young person who will be off doing her own thing soon enough.

plaidpanties666

"sashaviasasha" <sashaviasasha@...> wrote:
>I want to think about what I can offer her. When can I suggest, can I still strew things, and how is the best way to do this? How to support choices that aren't in my opinion, the best ones?
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It will help to rethink the questions you have as though she weren't your daughter, just a friend who needs a place to stay for awhile - a good friend turned room-mate. Step away from ideas about unschooling and strewing and even "supporting choices" to some extent - what would you offer a friend? This particular friend comes with extra "baggage" in a sense, because you've known one another so long and had some ups and downs.

How much will your friend expect of you in terms of childcare and how much do you expect of her in those terms? I know from my own experience, living with other families, that those can be important questions to have clear answers to as soon as possible. I've had roomies leave a kid in my care Without Telling Me - and they weren't even related to me. When relatives are involved, the likelihood of that kind of behavior goes up significantly, even with infants. Does your friend expect to be able to leave her infant with you while she works, attends school, goes out on a date? Do you expect to be able to leave your toddler with her sometimes? And then do expect her to parent as you would? How do you feel about her disciplining your toddler? Know what your boundaries are so you can be clear about them.

For starters, it might be a good idea to ask that she not take on a childcare sort of role with your son - gently, as in "oh, you don't need to do that" - while you all settle in together.

>>She has not quit smoking though she says she plans to. I have been supporting and encouraging her both when she's not smoking and when she is. Can I ethically continue with this course of action?
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What are your expectations about smoking in the apartment? Beyond that, its really none of your business what your friend does with her own body - and up to a point, that of her child. But you Do get to decide if she can smoke in the apartment outside her room. If she can close the door and keep the smoke contained or filtered, you don't get to decide what goes on in there - I don't mean you "can't" make rules, I mean if she wants to smoke and can conceal it from you, she will. That's the way rules work.

>>I have determined to relax about the food she eats. (Before, when she visited food was an issue, because I was terrified to have any junk food around my son who was 1 and 2.)
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With room-mates, its not uncommon to have at least some food separate, and be clear with children which is which. It helps, in that regard, to make it Obvious which food is not to be shared - on a special shelf, for instance, or kept in private rooms rather than "common" spaces.

How you deal with your son's interest in your room-mate's food is a slightly different issue. You can buy some of the same for him, for instance. If you decide all the food is for everyone, then it would be a good idea to stock up in a big way on foods both your son and your adult friend will like.

---Meredith