My 4 Year Old Still Has A Binkie....
Adam Dealan-de
Hi all,
An issue that I have trouble with is my 4 year old almost 5 year old has
a binkie and shows no signs of giving it up.
My wife and I are struggling to allow her the space and time to come to
her own and let it go.
But as she gets older this becomes tough and social pressures mount.
Is there a way to help her let it go and not just force the issue.
The worry of course is the teeth going crooked but maybe we are past that.
Anyone dealt with this?
I know this is as much my issue as hers, and it bothers me that she
still holds on to it.
I would love your thoughts!
An issue that I have trouble with is my 4 year old almost 5 year old has
a binkie and shows no signs of giving it up.
My wife and I are struggling to allow her the space and time to come to
her own and let it go.
But as she gets older this becomes tough and social pressures mount.
Is there a way to help her let it go and not just force the issue.
The worry of course is the teeth going crooked but maybe we are past that.
Anyone dealt with this?
I know this is as much my issue as hers, and it bothers me that she
still holds on to it.
I would love your thoughts!
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
My sister was a thumb sucker until almost 8 or 9 and she has perfect teeth. The
best of us 4 siblings!
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
best of us 4 siblings!
Alex Polikowsky
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I know this is as much my issue as hers, and it bothers me that she
still holds on to it.-=-
Perhaps it's MORE your issue than hers, and it might be easier for you to attempt to recover from the concern than for her to leave the binkie.
Maybe not, but it's worth putting that idea on the table.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
still holds on to it.-=-
Perhaps it's MORE your issue than hers, and it might be easier for you to attempt to recover from the concern than for her to leave the binkie.
Maybe not, but it's worth putting that idea on the table.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
mari teaches
Hello, i would let her. I was a severe thumb sucker as in the only time it
left my mouth was when food was entering or if i was talking to teachers
because they scolded me if i tried to talk to them with it in there lol.
my thumb even had this small bump on it because of the amount of thumb
sucking i did lol, thats how much time it spent in there, not many other
children made too much fun, or maybe I just didn't care?
My mom tried to get me to stop, the more she tried, the more I resisted,
then when I was 15 I just stopped out of nowhere, just stopped.
I have 4 boys whom i all nursed, and they never took the paci, until about
18 months old when they were weaning and then one had his til about 5 and
then one day boom it was gone and that was that. my youngest was 28 months
when he stopped nursing, but never liked the paci lol, he just liked to bite
it though, but it's a sensory thing for him.
maybe she is looking for a sensory input, and it is a comfort for her.
btw, i'm 32(please knock on trees) I have no cavities, no buck teeth at all,
never needed braces at all, have pearly whites, never been bleached, never
needed to. perfect teeth. so imo I would let her, the more you push, or
coerce the more she will want it.
I hope I am not stepping on toes saying this.
--
atlasofmyworld.com Personalized National Geographic Atlas Of My World 50%
OFF 50% Discount plus free shipping on Nov 29 & 30 & Dec 1 with
"personalized" Sprinkle of Fun blog discount code: *sof50gift
*25% Discount plus free shipping on Dec 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8 with
"personalized" Sprinkle of Fun discount code:
*gift25sof*<http://www.facebook.com/pages/Free-Online-Interactive-Childrens-Books/158576927518927>
Mari
VP~ http://www.ihn-brevard.com
Independant Homeschoolers Network
http://www.facebook.com/MagicalMari
http://www.sprinkle-of-fun.blogspot.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/workboxes
http://www.childworkboxes.blogspot.com
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/florida_trips/
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/lovemypet/
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/TeachersandParents
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/need2scream
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
left my mouth was when food was entering or if i was talking to teachers
because they scolded me if i tried to talk to them with it in there lol.
my thumb even had this small bump on it because of the amount of thumb
sucking i did lol, thats how much time it spent in there, not many other
children made too much fun, or maybe I just didn't care?
My mom tried to get me to stop, the more she tried, the more I resisted,
then when I was 15 I just stopped out of nowhere, just stopped.
I have 4 boys whom i all nursed, and they never took the paci, until about
18 months old when they were weaning and then one had his til about 5 and
then one day boom it was gone and that was that. my youngest was 28 months
when he stopped nursing, but never liked the paci lol, he just liked to bite
it though, but it's a sensory thing for him.
maybe she is looking for a sensory input, and it is a comfort for her.
btw, i'm 32(please knock on trees) I have no cavities, no buck teeth at all,
never needed braces at all, have pearly whites, never been bleached, never
needed to. perfect teeth. so imo I would let her, the more you push, or
coerce the more she will want it.
I hope I am not stepping on toes saying this.
--
atlasofmyworld.com Personalized National Geographic Atlas Of My World 50%
OFF 50% Discount plus free shipping on Nov 29 & 30 & Dec 1 with
"personalized" Sprinkle of Fun blog discount code: *sof50gift
*25% Discount plus free shipping on Dec 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8 with
"personalized" Sprinkle of Fun discount code:
*gift25sof*<http://www.facebook.com/pages/Free-Online-Interactive-Childrens-Books/158576927518927>
Mari
VP~ http://www.ihn-brevard.com
Independant Homeschoolers Network
http://www.facebook.com/MagicalMari
http://www.sprinkle-of-fun.blogspot.com
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/workboxes
http://www.childworkboxes.blogspot.com
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/florida_trips/
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/lovemypet/
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/TeachersandParents
http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/need2scream
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
Adam Dealan-de <adam@...> wrote:
---Meredith
>> But as she gets older this becomes tough and social pressures mount.Social pressures on you or on her? If its her, is it possible to talk with her about that - let her know in advanced "some people will call attention to the binkie and not want you to have it"? I'm thinking of my dd wearing dress-up costumes out in public. For awhile it was a non-issue, but as she got older people started to comment to her about that and she didn't want the attention, so if she wanted to go out in costume I'd remind her that it might set her up to talk to strangers.
---Meredith
Priscilla Sanstead
My daughter had a binkie until about age 3, but was a thumb sucker until age 14 or 15. The hospital nurses had called it "self-comforting behavior". Most everyone we knew wanted me to stop it as she got older, and said that peer pressure would definitely stop it in the first grade. It did not. She didn't care what other people thought about it, and neither did I. (Sometimes she would hide it behind a book or her blankie, though. Yes, she carried a blankie everywhere for years, to the chagrin of many.) Her teeth are perfectly straight at age 17. She had a slight gap in front for a few years, but it closed on its own.
It seemed to me that if my child's self-comforting behavior was stifled, another behavior that other adults would find even more irritating would show up in its place. And then she and I would hear complaints about THAT behavior. Three moms I knew then told told me privately that either they or their teenage girls had sucked THEIR thumbs until age 16, and their teeth ended up perfectly straight. They had to tell me PRIVATELY? Yes, because there is such a stigma to the thumb.
I think the thumb issue is just another example of adults wanting to control the behaviors of children, regardless of what might be respectful or considerate for the child.
Priscilla
----------------------------------------
My sister was a thumb sucker until almost 8 or 9 and she has perfect teeth. The best of us 4 siblings!
Alex Polikowsky
It seemed to me that if my child's self-comforting behavior was stifled, another behavior that other adults would find even more irritating would show up in its place. And then she and I would hear complaints about THAT behavior. Three moms I knew then told told me privately that either they or their teenage girls had sucked THEIR thumbs until age 16, and their teeth ended up perfectly straight. They had to tell me PRIVATELY? Yes, because there is such a stigma to the thumb.
I think the thumb issue is just another example of adults wanting to control the behaviors of children, regardless of what might be respectful or considerate for the child.
Priscilla
----------------------------------------
My sister was a thumb sucker until almost 8 or 9 and she has perfect teeth. The best of us 4 siblings!
Alex Polikowsky
Bun
--- In [email protected], Adam Dealan-de <adam@...> wrote:
I would think it is kinder to your child and more beneficial to your relationship to trust that if your child wants this to suck on (for whatever reason she has...comfort, likes it, etc) that she will stop using it when she doesn't want or need it. The emotional upsetness of having it taken away and the power struggles that might occur about it are not worth it. Also, she may think about what else that is so important to her might be taken away. Others have already posted that it doesn't always affect teeth.
Think on this awhile. There is no harm in waiting a little more to think about it. Notice how much your daughter enjoys it. (Is it really worth trying to take something away that isn't proven to be harmful and brings some kind of satisfaction to her? And even if an orthodontist or dentist thought she might want to consider orthodontics at some future point, would it have been worth it? I don't know the answer to that question, but it is something to consider. Pros and cons.). Notice what times she wants it - is it when she is sleepy? Can you introduce a new "thing" that she can get some kind of comfort or satisfaction or connection with that might slowly be liked just as much (and then maybe she wouldn't eventually even want it)? For example - backrubs, a special movie, hugging a new soft stuffed animal, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and honey while in your arms with a soft blanket around you as you rock on a comfy chair, etc. If you are sure you still want to try to get rid of it, see if you can incorporate something just as comforting and/or satisfying instead. I don't know if that would work, but it might be worth a try rather than suddenly taking it away.
Laurie (who still remembers climbing up on the counter at age 4 to get my binkie!)
>>>"An issue that I have trouble with is my 4 year old almost 5 yearI had a binkie until I was around 4 yrs old too. My grandmother used to let me have it even though my mom was trying to keep it away from me.
>old has a binkie and shows no signs of giving it up....I would love
>your thoughts!"
I would think it is kinder to your child and more beneficial to your relationship to trust that if your child wants this to suck on (for whatever reason she has...comfort, likes it, etc) that she will stop using it when she doesn't want or need it. The emotional upsetness of having it taken away and the power struggles that might occur about it are not worth it. Also, she may think about what else that is so important to her might be taken away. Others have already posted that it doesn't always affect teeth.
Think on this awhile. There is no harm in waiting a little more to think about it. Notice how much your daughter enjoys it. (Is it really worth trying to take something away that isn't proven to be harmful and brings some kind of satisfaction to her? And even if an orthodontist or dentist thought she might want to consider orthodontics at some future point, would it have been worth it? I don't know the answer to that question, but it is something to consider. Pros and cons.). Notice what times she wants it - is it when she is sleepy? Can you introduce a new "thing" that she can get some kind of comfort or satisfaction or connection with that might slowly be liked just as much (and then maybe she wouldn't eventually even want it)? For example - backrubs, a special movie, hugging a new soft stuffed animal, drinking a cup of chamomile tea and honey while in your arms with a soft blanket around you as you rock on a comfy chair, etc. If you are sure you still want to try to get rid of it, see if you can incorporate something just as comforting and/or satisfying instead. I don't know if that would work, but it might be worth a try rather than suddenly taking it away.
Laurie (who still remembers climbing up on the counter at age 4 to get my binkie!)
Bun
Forgot to mention...there is a great photo in the book by Patricia Joudry called "And the children played..." that shows a bunch of kids (much older than toddlers) sitting around a table drinking from baby bottles. Here is an exerpt from page 79 of that book which is related to the photo:
"After an initial hesitation, and upon being assured that no one would tease them, all (except Tony and Angela) took to the bottle and went around looking as comforted as any adult clamped onto a cigarette. The bottles were freely available for visiting children too, and I never saw such horrified faces as their parents', when the kids dove for them. The bottles had to be torn out of their grasp upon leaving; and a few parents were even compelled to go to the Chemist's Shop on the way home and lay in a supply of their own."
Laurie
"After an initial hesitation, and upon being assured that no one would tease them, all (except Tony and Angela) took to the bottle and went around looking as comforted as any adult clamped onto a cigarette. The bottles were freely available for visiting children too, and I never saw such horrified faces as their parents', when the kids dove for them. The bottles had to be torn out of their grasp upon leaving; and a few parents were even compelled to go to the Chemist's Shop on the way home and lay in a supply of their own."
Laurie
keeliereader
I just posted about my 2.5 yr old having his binkie (the neenaw). I sucked my thumb until I was 16. The only reason I stopped was because the orthodontist put a contraption on the roof of my mouth to stop me. My teeth did move and it was very obviously due to my thumb. That said, my best friend also sucked her thumb until late adolescence and has great teeth.
In spite of all the braces and adults trying to forcibly remove my thumb from my mouth and asking me what it tasted of (it tastes like me - what a question!), I got so much comfort from my thumb. In hindsight I could have done without the orthodontic treatments but I still don't think if I'd known then what I know now I would have given up my thumb.
I guess that answers my question about my son's binkie. But I still don't know how I deal with my partner's (the father!) issue with it.
In spite of all the braces and adults trying to forcibly remove my thumb from my mouth and asking me what it tasted of (it tastes like me - what a question!), I got so much comfort from my thumb. In hindsight I could have done without the orthodontic treatments but I still don't think if I'd known then what I know now I would have given up my thumb.
I guess that answers my question about my son's binkie. But I still don't know how I deal with my partner's (the father!) issue with it.
Adam Dealan-de
Thanks for the feedback. I do need to relax on this and realize that it
is my issue. My issue in how I feel if i am judged by others and how my
daughter should be. And that having a binkie somehow makes her a baby
(and why is that bad!!).
Anyway the only reasonable issue seems to be about teeth and
plastic...which are pretty minor it seems.
Love and allowance.
is my issue. My issue in how I feel if i am judged by others and how my
daughter should be. And that having a binkie somehow makes her a baby
(and why is that bad!!).
Anyway the only reasonable issue seems to be about teeth and
plastic...which are pretty minor it seems.
Love and allowance.
Schuyler
When Simon was late 3 he had a pacifier. It was really important to him. He was
a sucker. It helped him sleep, it helped him relax, it helped zone out. We were
in Japan and I couldn't find new ones that were not for infants. And the ones he
had were getting gross and I was embarrassed. Gosh, it seems so minor and I feel
so bad about making a big deal out of something that means nothing now that he's
13. But I started to cut these gross and well used pacifiers so that he would
wean off them. Or they would be too small to suck. He didn't have options, he
had to give them up. He sucked his shirts, he sucked his thumb, he sucked
anything. He was a sucker. I apologised to him a couple of weeks ago for messing
with his pacifier, for not asking my mom to go to Toys R Us and buy a bunch and
send them to him, for not letting him have what he wanted. He told me he thinks
he's turned out alright anyhow ;). But I still feel for 3 year old Simon.
Over at Familyrunn.ing.com Meredith made a comment that included this: "The
older my kids get, the more I look back and think "what was the big deal?"
There's soooooo much cultural pressure on parents to guide and mold and most of
all do/tell/teach Now! Before it's Too Late! It can help to be aware of that
pressure and question it strongly. When people are ready to learn things,
learning flows. I'm tempted to say it flows effortlessly, even though it can
take a fantastic effort to accomplish one's goals."
There wasn't any reason for me stopping Simon from using his pacifier. Nothing.
The teeth fear is a future fear. What will happen if her teeth are crooked? What
will happen if she's happy and smiley and the world sees that she has less than
perfect teeth? Really, what will happen? I have less than perfect teeth, (more
than perfect teeth?) and so far it hasn't adversely affected my life. The worry
about how others would think of you is a more normal one, but when you really
look at it, well, it isn't nearly as important as loving your child with or
without a pacifier. It's a small part of a life. My dad had a blanket that he
worried with his fingers. It had a satin trim and he would rub it between his
fingers until he wore it away. His mom would put new satin trim on it, each time
the blanket was smaller. I think he wore it right down. But it was a good memory
for him.And it was a sweet thing that his mom did for him. I had a boyfriend who
sucked his thumb at 24. It didn't make him less attractive, he didn't do it at
parties or around most people, but when he slept or when he was quiet and calm
he would suck his thumb and rub his nose. It's what he did. It didn't handicap
him in any way that I could tell. Your daughter likes her pacifier, her binkie.
And while you make think 4 almost 5 is too old for such a thing, 4 almost 5 is
very little. If people comment try to think of things like, oh, I wish I had
such an easy way to feel better, chuckle, or well, it was that or cigarettes. It
doesn't matter. What they think of her that moment won't tell them what to think
about her in a different moment. What they think about you, well, that's less
important probably. Really.
Schuyler
From: Adam Dealan-de <adam@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, 4 December, 2010 17:10:33
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] My 4 Year Old Still Has A Binkie....
Hi all,
An issue that I have trouble with is my 4 year old almost 5 year old has
a binkie and shows no signs of giving it up.
My wife and I are struggling to allow her the space and time to come to
her own and let it go.
But as she gets older this becomes tough and social pressures mount.
Is there a way to help her let it go and not just force the issue.
The worry of course is the teeth going crooked but maybe we are past that.
Anyone dealt with this?
I know this is as much my issue as hers, and it bothers me that she
still holds on to it.
I would love your thoughts!
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
a sucker. It helped him sleep, it helped him relax, it helped zone out. We were
in Japan and I couldn't find new ones that were not for infants. And the ones he
had were getting gross and I was embarrassed. Gosh, it seems so minor and I feel
so bad about making a big deal out of something that means nothing now that he's
13. But I started to cut these gross and well used pacifiers so that he would
wean off them. Or they would be too small to suck. He didn't have options, he
had to give them up. He sucked his shirts, he sucked his thumb, he sucked
anything. He was a sucker. I apologised to him a couple of weeks ago for messing
with his pacifier, for not asking my mom to go to Toys R Us and buy a bunch and
send them to him, for not letting him have what he wanted. He told me he thinks
he's turned out alright anyhow ;). But I still feel for 3 year old Simon.
Over at Familyrunn.ing.com Meredith made a comment that included this: "The
older my kids get, the more I look back and think "what was the big deal?"
There's soooooo much cultural pressure on parents to guide and mold and most of
all do/tell/teach Now! Before it's Too Late! It can help to be aware of that
pressure and question it strongly. When people are ready to learn things,
learning flows. I'm tempted to say it flows effortlessly, even though it can
take a fantastic effort to accomplish one's goals."
There wasn't any reason for me stopping Simon from using his pacifier. Nothing.
The teeth fear is a future fear. What will happen if her teeth are crooked? What
will happen if she's happy and smiley and the world sees that she has less than
perfect teeth? Really, what will happen? I have less than perfect teeth, (more
than perfect teeth?) and so far it hasn't adversely affected my life. The worry
about how others would think of you is a more normal one, but when you really
look at it, well, it isn't nearly as important as loving your child with or
without a pacifier. It's a small part of a life. My dad had a blanket that he
worried with his fingers. It had a satin trim and he would rub it between his
fingers until he wore it away. His mom would put new satin trim on it, each time
the blanket was smaller. I think he wore it right down. But it was a good memory
for him.And it was a sweet thing that his mom did for him. I had a boyfriend who
sucked his thumb at 24. It didn't make him less attractive, he didn't do it at
parties or around most people, but when he slept or when he was quiet and calm
he would suck his thumb and rub his nose. It's what he did. It didn't handicap
him in any way that I could tell. Your daughter likes her pacifier, her binkie.
And while you make think 4 almost 5 is too old for such a thing, 4 almost 5 is
very little. If people comment try to think of things like, oh, I wish I had
such an easy way to feel better, chuckle, or well, it was that or cigarettes. It
doesn't matter. What they think of her that moment won't tell them what to think
about her in a different moment. What they think about you, well, that's less
important probably. Really.
Schuyler
From: Adam Dealan-de <adam@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Saturday, 4 December, 2010 17:10:33
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] My 4 Year Old Still Has A Binkie....
Hi all,
An issue that I have trouble with is my 4 year old almost 5 year old has
a binkie and shows no signs of giving it up.
My wife and I are struggling to allow her the space and time to come to
her own and let it go.
But as she gets older this becomes tough and social pressures mount.
Is there a way to help her let it go and not just force the issue.
The worry of course is the teeth going crooked but maybe we are past that.
Anyone dealt with this?
I know this is as much my issue as hers, and it bothers me that she
still holds on to it.
I would love your thoughts!
------------------------------------
Yahoo! Groups Links
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
plaidpanties666
"keeliereader" <keeliebean@...> wrote:
How big of an issue is it? Is it enough for you to say "I looked it up, and this is totally developmentally appropriate"? Or is your partner carrying on about it and being unpleasant to your son? If so, then rather than talking about the binkie, I'd ask him about his childhood and give him the chance to express some of the lingering issues he may have about that, or ask about how he feels about being a dad and let him express some issues he may have about that subject.
I've been surprised at just how much it has helped George as a parent to have a chance to talk about how he feels about being a dad and a grown-up. It has always seemed, at the time, like the conversation wasn't "solving" anything (and I like solving things!) but getting his feelings out in the open and feeling "heard" has gone a long way for George in terms of moving past his own issues and being able to see his kids as who They are, rather than reflections of his own past.
---Meredith
>> I guess that answers my question about my son's binkie. But I still don't know how I deal with my partner's (the father!) issue with it.*****************
How big of an issue is it? Is it enough for you to say "I looked it up, and this is totally developmentally appropriate"? Or is your partner carrying on about it and being unpleasant to your son? If so, then rather than talking about the binkie, I'd ask him about his childhood and give him the chance to express some of the lingering issues he may have about that, or ask about how he feels about being a dad and let him express some issues he may have about that subject.
I've been surprised at just how much it has helped George as a parent to have a chance to talk about how he feels about being a dad and a grown-up. It has always seemed, at the time, like the conversation wasn't "solving" anything (and I like solving things!) but getting his feelings out in the open and feeling "heard" has gone a long way for George in terms of moving past his own issues and being able to see his kids as who They are, rather than reflections of his own past.
---Meredith
David Lewis
***But as she gets older this becomes tough and social pressures mount.***
My mom told me kids in kindergarten would make fun of me if I was still sucking my thumb. When I got there, *lots* of kids still sucked their thumbs, or their shirts. The only pressure I can remember was from my mom. <g>
It's possible your daughter won't notice or won't be bothered by people asking her why she still has a binkie. If your four year old can have a healthy attitude about it, you can too! <g>
So many people want to deny children their comforts in the mistaken belief that it somehow readies them for the responsibility of adulthood. She doesn't need to be an adult this year, or next year. You can face a few raised eyebrows for your daughter's comfort and happiness.
Dylan nursed until he was four. Lots of people made comments. None of it bothered Dylan! And I didn't feel badly about being judged by people who obviously weren't thinking well. <g>
My son never sucked a binkie or his thumb and still wore braces. He had hypodontia, genetic missing permanent teeth. There is no precaution we might have taken against tooth problems that could have helped him except, maybe, not having him at all.
I would not sacrifice my child's comfort today in the hope of warding off some possible future evil. But then, I don't believe in magic. <g>
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
My mom told me kids in kindergarten would make fun of me if I was still sucking my thumb. When I got there, *lots* of kids still sucked their thumbs, or their shirts. The only pressure I can remember was from my mom. <g>
It's possible your daughter won't notice or won't be bothered by people asking her why she still has a binkie. If your four year old can have a healthy attitude about it, you can too! <g>
So many people want to deny children their comforts in the mistaken belief that it somehow readies them for the responsibility of adulthood. She doesn't need to be an adult this year, or next year. You can face a few raised eyebrows for your daughter's comfort and happiness.
Dylan nursed until he was four. Lots of people made comments. None of it bothered Dylan! And I didn't feel badly about being judged by people who obviously weren't thinking well. <g>
My son never sucked a binkie or his thumb and still wore braces. He had hypodontia, genetic missing permanent teeth. There is no precaution we might have taken against tooth problems that could have helped him except, maybe, not having him at all.
I would not sacrifice my child's comfort today in the hope of warding off some possible future evil. But then, I don't believe in magic. <g>
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Laura McDowell
What we tried -and it worked, although our son was younger (3)- was to tell
him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.
A few other people we know had success with this idea.
BEST OF LUCK!
Laura
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.
A few other people we know had success with this idea.
BEST OF LUCK!
Laura
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Joyce Fetteroll
On Dec 6, 2010, at 1:01 AM, Laura McDowell wrote:
One way this list is different is that it's about the kids not about
the parents. It's not about finding "better" ways for adults to
achieve their goals for their kids. It's about kids joyful exploration
of the world and growing relationships. And then fitting the rest of
life into that.
One idea that helps people do that is to turn situations around to see
what they might look and feel like from someone else's point of view.
What if your husband got hold of your favorite object, say the coffee
mug you drank from each morning, that tied you emotionally to some
happy memories over the years, and told you Santa could use it as a
gift for someone else?
If Santa's so desperate for things to give to people, why isn't your
husband giving his things away instead of eyeing yours? Why is he
asking for your favorite thing?
I'm glad your son was able to move on. But one good test of whether
something is about a child's goals or will grow better relationships
is whether you would do it to a friend or spouse to make them happy or
strengthen your relationship with them.
The insidiously bad thing about conventional parenting is that it has
parents treating kids in ways they'd never treat a friend for fear of
losing the relationship.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> What we tried -and it worked, although our son was younger (3)- wasWhy, though? What goal of the *child's* does that move toward?
> to tell
> him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
> another boy or girl.
One way this list is different is that it's about the kids not about
the parents. It's not about finding "better" ways for adults to
achieve their goals for their kids. It's about kids joyful exploration
of the world and growing relationships. And then fitting the rest of
life into that.
One idea that helps people do that is to turn situations around to see
what they might look and feel like from someone else's point of view.
What if your husband got hold of your favorite object, say the coffee
mug you drank from each morning, that tied you emotionally to some
happy memories over the years, and told you Santa could use it as a
gift for someone else?
If Santa's so desperate for things to give to people, why isn't your
husband giving his things away instead of eyeing yours? Why is he
asking for your favorite thing?
I'm glad your son was able to move on. But one good test of whether
something is about a child's goals or will grow better relationships
is whether you would do it to a friend or spouse to make them happy or
strengthen your relationship with them.
The insidiously bad thing about conventional parenting is that it has
parents treating kids in ways they'd never treat a friend for fear of
losing the relationship.
Joyce
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Schuyler
But that's a lie. I mean that's an out and out lie. I would have a really hard
time doing that. And I certainly wouldn't recommend it to others.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Laura McDowell <la_tree@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, 6 December, 2010 6:01:26
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: My 4 Year Old Still Has A Binkie....
What we tried -and it worked, although our son was younger (3)- was to tell
him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.
A few other people we know had success with this idea.
BEST OF LUCK!
Laura
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
time doing that. And I certainly wouldn't recommend it to others.
Schuyler
________________________________
From: Laura McDowell <la_tree@...>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Monday, 6 December, 2010 6:01:26
Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: My 4 Year Old Still Has A Binkie....
What we tried -and it worked, although our son was younger (3)- was to tell
him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.
A few other people we know had success with this idea.
BEST OF LUCK!
Laura
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
David Lewis
*** santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.***
Why does a child need to give up a pacifier? I really don't get it. If a child gets comfort from a pacifier, why would he need to get rid of it?
I would be seriously unhappy if the people in my life lied to me to manipulate me into giving up something I cared about. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone.
Adults spend a lot of money and time looking for ways to comfort themselves, to relieve stress, to feel better. Some of them are just expensive - massage, spas, therapy. Some of them have potential risks : alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs. Maybe if parents didn't work so hard to deny children simple little comforts there'd be fewer unhappy adults.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
another boy or girl.***
Why does a child need to give up a pacifier? I really don't get it. If a child gets comfort from a pacifier, why would he need to get rid of it?
I would be seriously unhappy if the people in my life lied to me to manipulate me into giving up something I cared about. I wouldn't want to do that to anyone.
Adults spend a lot of money and time looking for ways to comfort themselves, to relieve stress, to feel better. Some of them are just expensive - massage, spas, therapy. Some of them have potential risks : alcohol, prescription drugs, illegal drugs. Maybe if parents didn't work so hard to deny children simple little comforts there'd be fewer unhappy adults.
Deb Lewis
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Kelly Lovejoy
Yikes. I mean YIKES!
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
-----Original Message-----
From: Laura McDowell <la_tree@...>
What we tried -and it worked, although our son was younger (3)- was to tell
him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.
A few other people we know had success with this idea.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
~Kelly
Kelly Lovejoy
"There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children." Marianne Williamson
-----Original Message-----
From: Laura McDowell <la_tree@...>
What we tried -and it worked, although our son was younger (3)- was to tell
him that santa was going to use it if we gave it to him for a gift for
another boy or girl.
A few other people we know had success with this idea.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]