Sandra Dodd

As part of a much longer post which was returned with several
suggestions of other places to get the information, this phrase was
used:

"I was wondering if it would be alright with everyone in this group
for me to ... "

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/
The main page lists 2880 members of this yahoo group.

What if 1440 agreed to something a member proposed to use the list for
and the other 1440 didn't? How many people would drop out of the
group while we discussed and decided?

But that's just the thought of an instant, because the group has an
owner and a stated purpose.

I've hung around young kids a lot the past few weeks and visited back
and forth in several homes. It's always been clear whose house it
was. There were some messes made, but it was up to the home owners to
decide what was too messy and what was fine, and what was too loud and
what was fine, and what could be jumped on and what couldn't. If a
child asks another child "is it okay if we..." maybe the child knows
for sure it's okay, or maybe he asks his mom. Sometimes the other
child asks the mom directly. Sometimes it might be something the mom
needs to consult the other moms about, or the dad, but there is a
point of veto, with the host mom if it's in a public place, or with
the home owner mom if it's in her home.

"Is it okay to let my kids [whatever]" can't be answered without
starting off with "it depends" and "where?" There are lots of things
people can do in their own home that aren't okay in another home.

When deciding how to decide what to do in a situation (such as the
Always Learning list) it can help to picture a party in a home. Any
kind of party, any kind of home. Picture knowing what the theme was,
or not knowing. Picture knowing exactly who the hostess is and
knowing her well enough to know what she believes, needs and is
willing to tolerate, and picture NOT knowing. It's okay not to
know. That happens at parties sometimes.

If someone at a party at my house stood up and said "I was wondering
if it would be alright with everyone at this party for me to..."
...smoke in the house
...smoke pot
...change the music
...make wild and crazy flaming mixed drinks
...drop a glowstick in the punch bowl
...cook up some ribs [I'm living around multi-generational vegetarian
Hindus this month]
...strip nekkid
...build a bonfire
...flood the front yard to play in the water
...tell everyone's fortune with cards/tea leaves/a Ouija board
...do a phrenological survey of everyone at the party...

...what "everyone at the party" thought wouldn't matter. What the
hostess thought *would* matter.
It's better to ask the hostess than to ask "everyone."

And sometimes one can look at the party invitation or the group
description and decide not to ask at all. Or run through a list of
why and why not, and figure out what's not a good thing to ask.

Sandra

dola dasgupta-banerji

Thank you Sandra. That is a very clearly stated mail.

Dola

On Thu, Nov 18, 2010 at 7:26 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:

>
>
> As part of a much longer post which was returned with several
> suggestions of other places to get the information, this phrase was
> used:
>
> "I was wondering if it would be alright with everyone in this group
> for me to ... "
>
> http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AlwaysLearning/
> The main page lists 2880 members of this yahoo group.
>
> What if 1440 agreed to something a member proposed to use the list for
> and the other 1440 didn't? How many people would drop out of the
> group while we discussed and decided?
>
> But that's just the thought of an instant, because the group has an
> owner and a stated purpose.
>
> I've hung around young kids a lot the past few weeks and visited back
> and forth in several homes. It's always been clear whose house it
> was. There were some messes made, but it was up to the home owners to
> decide what was too messy and what was fine, and what was too loud and
> what was fine, and what could be jumped on and what couldn't. If a
> child asks another child "is it okay if we..." maybe the child knows
> for sure it's okay, or maybe he asks his mom. Sometimes the other
> child asks the mom directly. Sometimes it might be something the mom
> needs to consult the other moms about, or the dad, but there is a
> point of veto, with the host mom if it's in a public place, or with
> the home owner mom if it's in her home.
>
> "Is it okay to let my kids [whatever]" can't be answered without
> starting off with "it depends" and "where?" There are lots of things
> people can do in their own home that aren't okay in another home.
>
> When deciding how to decide what to do in a situation (such as the
> Always Learning list) it can help to picture a party in a home. Any
> kind of party, any kind of home. Picture knowing what the theme was,
> or not knowing. Picture knowing exactly who the hostess is and
> knowing her well enough to know what she believes, needs and is
> willing to tolerate, and picture NOT knowing. It's okay not to
> know. That happens at parties sometimes.
>
> If someone at a party at my house stood up and said "I was wondering
> if it would be alright with everyone at this party for me to..."
> ...smoke in the house
> ...smoke pot
> ...change the music
> ...make wild and crazy flaming mixed drinks
> ...drop a glowstick in the punch bowl
> ...cook up some ribs [I'm living around multi-generational vegetarian
> Hindus this month]
> ...strip nekkid
> ...build a bonfire
> ...flood the front yard to play in the water
> ...tell everyone's fortune with cards/tea leaves/a Ouija board
> ...do a phrenological survey of everyone at the party...
>
> ...what "everyone at the party" thought wouldn't matter. What the
> hostess thought *would* matter.
> It's better to ask the hostess than to ask "everyone."
>
> And sometimes one can look at the party invitation or the group
> description and decide not to ask at all. Or run through a list of
> why and why not, and figure out what's not a good thing to ask.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>


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