Debbie B.

Hello everyone,

My name is Debbie. I have two children. My son is 11 and my daughter is 9. This is my 6th year of homeschooling. I am, however, new to Unschooling and, obviously, to this group. So, hello! :)

I've always had preconceived notions about Unschooling so I've never considered it as an option until recently. My main idea about Unschooling was: "Unschooling is entirely child-led. If it (education) were all up to my son he'd just play all day and not learn a thing."

Now, I know there are many things in my above statement that can be contended with.
-So what's wrong with playing all day?
-How do I know he's not learning anything?
And so on.

My mind is open. I'm reading John Holt's book "Teach Your Own". I'm reading blogs and watching YouTube videos on Unschooling. I'm trying to educate myself on the topic. So far I've learned that just like there is a large spectrum in the Homeschooling community there's a large one in the Unschooling community as well. So, I'm trying to figure out where we fit. To that end, I'm backing off entirely for now (although it's challenging some days).

Here's my issue at the moment.

MORNINGS

It's 9:41 am and my kids are still in their rooms. They're awake, although only since 9am. They're reading in bed. Great, right? But I can't help thinking that we need to get on with our day. They're not dressed. Haven't eaten. No chores done.

And please, hear me. I like relaxed mornings, too. But I like to get our stuff done in the morning so that if/when we have places to go in the afternoon I can feel confident that we got something already accomplished.

I've also already told them a few times to get up and come out of their rooms. So, they're disregarding my instructions as well. BUT I don't want to continue with my old ways of shouting and forcing.

So, I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Debbie

Pam Sorooshian

On 4/19/2010 8:49 AM, Debbie B. wrote:
> MORNINGS
>
> It's 9:41 am and my kids are still in their rooms. They're awake,
> although only since 9am. They're reading in bed. Great, right? But I
> can't help thinking that we need to get on with our day. They're not
> dressed. Haven't eaten. No chores done.
>
> And please, hear me. I like relaxed mornings, too. But I like to get
> our stuff done in the morning so that if/when we have places to go in
> the afternoon I can feel confident that we got something already
> accomplished.

You're discounting of the value of whatever it is they are doing - not
considering it "accomplishing anything," right? If they slept until 9,
that means they were probably up until midnight or later, so what were
they doing during those last hours before going to sleep? Are you
disregarding the value of that, too?

My suggestion is to repeatedly remind yourself to look closely and with
an open mind at what they ARE doing, not what you are picturing in your
mind that they "should" be doing. Spend a month or so just really
focusing on what they are doing, examining (in your head, not out loud)
what they might be learning from it. At first, this will feel artificial
and forced. But slowly you'll be more and more able to see the learning.
And then you'll be able to offer them ways to expand and deepen their
learning.

Hang in there - it is a process that involves a change in perspective
and you'll be surprised at what you eventually see through that
different perspective.

-pam


>
> I've also already told them a few times to get up and come out of
> their rooms. So, they're disregarding my instructions as well. BUT I
> don't want to continue with my old ways of shouting and forcing.
>
> So, I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Sandra Dodd

-=-"Unschooling is entirely child-led. If it (education) were all up
to my son he'd just play all day and not learn a thing."-=-

For parents to say "I used to lead and now he has to lead" still
leaves all the separation and antagonism, only they're going to blame
the kid if it doesn't go well. :-)

To counter the "child led" idea, I offer these:
http://sandradodd.com/nest
http://sandradodd.com/balance
http://sandradodd.com/checklists
http://sandradodd.com/strewing

The cool thing about learning is that your son probably couldn't keep
from learning if he tried. Knowing that can be a great relief. It's
possible for kids in school to balk and dodge about learning what
they're "supposed to learn" (or to try and still fail to understand
it), and it's possible for schoolkids to become so averse to "history,
science, English, math" that they freeze up if they think those things
are in the vicinity. But that doesn't happen with unschooling (once
the recovery period of deschooling is over).

-=- I'm trying to educate myself on the topic.-=-

Could you think of it differently? Could you think of it as learning
about unschooling, or exploring or playing with unschooling? Keeping
those thoughts in your mind, rather than "educating yourself," would
be a big step toward understanding unschooling.

-=- So far I've learned that just like there is a large spectrum in
the Homeschooling community there's a large one in the Unschooling
community as well. So, I'm trying to figure out where we fit. To that
end, I'm backing off entirely for now (although it's challenging some
days). -=-

There is a large spectrum, and there are different ways to present the
information. Some do it this way:
http://sandradodd.com/support
While it feels good at first, it doesn't help people move from where
they were to where they might like to be.

I like these because you can read just what you want, and if you come
back and read the same page in a year or five, it will look
different. (Maybe because there have been additions to the page, but
even without that, the reader will understand things in a different
way when they have more experience.)
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com
http://sandradodd.com/new

Sandra

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Debbie Bridge

>You're discounting of the value of whatever it is they are doing - not
>considering it "accomplishing anything," right? If they slept until 9,
>that means they were probably up until midnight or later, so what were
>they doing during those last hours before going to sleep? Are you
>disregarding the value of that, too?






You're right. We are in a cyle right now of staying up later and sleeping in later. I've been trying to correct it by sending them to bed earlier, but of course they don't sleep because they've slept in that morning. The only way to correct it, as I see it, is to get them up early which generally means forcing them...however I want to stear away from that method now. We have had times when we've got stuff going on where we must get up early but the habit doesn't stick because our regular lifestyle doesn't support it.



So, perhaps I just need to give in. :)

>My suggestion is to repeatedly remind yourself to look closely and with
>an open mind at what they ARE doing, not what you are picturing in your
>mind that they "should" be doing. Spend a month or so just really
>focusing on what they are doing, examining (in your head, not out loud)
>what they might be learning from it. At first, this will feel artificial
>and forced. But slowly you'll be more and more able to see the learning.
>And then you'll be able to offer them ways to expand and deepen their
>learning.



Yes. I hear you. Thank-you for the reminder because everything I've read has said this same thing.

>Hang in there - it is a process that involves a change in perspective
>and you'll be surprised at what you eventually see through that
>different perspective.



You are so right!!! I've had some of these ah ha moments of "wow, I've never thought of it that way before".

Thank you very much for you input.

Debbie

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Sandra Dodd

-=-
It's 9:41 am and my kids are still in their rooms. They're awake,
although only since 9am. They're reading in bed. Great, right? But I
can't help thinking that we need to get on with our day. They're not
dressed. Haven't eaten. No chores done. -=-

You said you were going to leave them alone for a while.
Maybe each time you have the urge to manage them, you could manage to
read some more here:
http://sandradodd.com/deschooling

I have something to say about "Teach Your Own." I love John Holt's
stuff, but he didn't have kids. I've had the pleasure of hanging out
with Pat Farenga and doing some music (he plays piano) and being with
him at and around the edges of conferences (airports and meals) and
such. He's a sweet man, and he worked with John Holt for several
years. Depending on the definitions, though, their family didn't
"successfully unschool." He doesn't speak about his family. He talks
about theory and John Holt's works. That's fine as far as it goes.

What might go farther for you is being on a list where people HAVE
unschooled confidently and without breaks for school. Some families
here have a kid or two in school, by choice or circumstance. Many
have kids who used to be in school. Some have kids who were never in
school. It's hard to find that perspective just anywhere. It's
impossible to find it even in Holt's books.

So you need some theory and some personal experience and some advice
from those who have been there. It helps to mix those up and come
back for more ideas, and then be with kids and try the ideas, and read
some more, and try some more.

-=- They're not dressed. Haven't eaten. No chores done.-=-

Why live by the clock today?
The way to get people to want to eat is to cook food that smells good,
and lure them in that way.
You might want to read some of this, after a while, about chores:
http://sandradodd.com/chores

If your priorities change, that might change too.
If being in bed and reading is soothing, they're learning, they're
building confidence in their own choice making, and you're using that
experience to learn more about unschooling, it's a big SOMETHING
rather than a lack of your imagined something.

-=-And please, hear me. I like relaxed mornings, too. But I like to
get our stuff done in the morning so that if/when we have places to go
in the afternoon I can feel confident that we got something already
accomplished.-=-

DO you have a place to go this afternoon?
Can you do "our stuff" while they're recovering from years of
requirement and arbitrary lessons?

-=-I've also already told them a few times to get up and come out of
their rooms. So, they're disregarding my instructions as well. BUT I
don't want to continue with my old ways of shouting and forcing.-=-

It is probably your old ways of shouting and forcing that is keeping
them happily in their rooms. When someone releases a wound up
trebuchet, or rubber-band-powered toy glider, or a pulled-back
slingshot, the harder it's pulled back, the farther that object will
be flung when the pressure is removed. You wound it up and then let
it go. If you wind it all up again, when you let go the next time,
they will be flung away from you again. Some parents do that a dozen
times before they figure it out.

Our neighbors had a dog they NEVER let out and never took for a walk,
ever. When that dog got out it would run away. After a while it
started coming to our back yard, playing with our dog. My husband
would pet the dog and talk to it, and we would stall a while before
letting the neighbors know we had her. It seemed the most
compassionate thing we could do.

Our dog has a dog door, and has never gone to that other family's
yard. She used to go to a nice family's yard, though, that had a dog
she liked, and they would pet her and talk to her and then tell her to
go home, which she would.

There is a reaction to being controlled. There is a reaction to not
having had choices.

You can get back to an equilibrium, but not until the pendulum swings
the other way and gradually slows toward the middle.

Sandra

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Sandra Dodd

-=-You're right. We are in a cyle right now of staying up later and
sleeping in later. I've been trying to correct it by sending them to
bed earlier, but of course they don't sleep because they've slept in
that morning.-=-

Maybe it's not an error that needs to be corrected.

http://sandradodd.com/sleeping
http://sandradodd.com/nighttimelearning

My kids always slept the longest and the hardest after a mentally
stimulating day. Even moreso than if they had run and played ball
games for hours.

As your kids start learning all the time, they will need more sleep.
Don't think of the sleep as a problem that needs to be corrected, but
as proof of learning and growing.

Sandra

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Joyce Fetteroll

On Apr 19, 2010, at 12:57 PM, Debbie Bridge wrote:

> So, perhaps I just need to give in. :)

Even better: Change your way of thinking. The relationship between you
and your kids shouldn't be adversarial so one has to lose for the
other to win. Be on their side, on their team rather than trying to
drag them onto your team. They're likely to retreat to their rooms if
you try to do that ;-)

> I've been trying to correct it by sending them to bed earlier


Let go of the idea there's something wrong you need to correct.
They're adjusting their sleep schedule to something more in tune to
their needs.

Joyce

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Robin Bentley

>
> You're right. We are in a cyle right now of staying up later and
> sleeping in later. I've been trying to correct it by sending them to
> bed earlier, but of course they don't sleep because they've slept in
> that morning. The only way to correct it, as I see it, is to get
> them up early which generally means forcing them...however I want to
> stear away from that method now. We have had times when we've got
> stuff going on where we must get up early but the habit doesn't
> stick because our regular lifestyle doesn't support it.

Kids (and adults, usually) find their own rhythms. My daughter, for
instance, has probably a 26 hour internal clock. Her sleeping times
shift. She will actively adjust them, though, if there's something she
wants to do, or something we want to do as a family (which we let her
know way ahead of time, so she can go to bed earlier or later).

With 2 kids, it might look a little chaotic while everyone sorts out
their sleep. It will settle into a pattern, eventually.

As Pam pointed out, how you think about things can begin the change of
seeing life differently. Try not thinking about "sending them to
bed" ("without any supper" is the phrase that comes to my mind when I
hear it <g>). Think about helping them, if there is something you all
want to do and their sleep schedules are impacting that, instead of
"correcting it."

Try not thinking of "methods" - unschooling isn't about "methods" to
get kids to do stuff. Think about living life with them, working with
their preferences and yours.
>
> So, perhaps I just need to give in. :)

I think "giving in" can set up resentment. Think of it as moving
closer to seeing them as interested, interesting people. Think of it
as engaging your kids, if they want to be engaged (they can say "no"
to your engagement efforts <g>).

If you are a schedule-loving person, throwing it all out all at once
will make you crazy. If you are used to schedules and establishing how
your days with the kids are going to go, maybe let go of that bit by
bit. Schedule yourself, not your kids so much.

It's going to take some deschooling for you. Sandra sent you the link
already, but here it is again:

http://sandradodd.com/deschooling

Sandra's links are really good to read. I like Joyce's site, too, for
specific answers to specific questions. Take a look at these:

http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/influencing%20kid%20behavior/chores/kidstohelpwithchores.html
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/unschooling/roleofunschoolingparent.html

Robin B.

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Jenny Cyphers

***Here's my issue at the moment.

MORNINGS

It's 9:41 am and my kids are still in their rooms. They're awake, although only since 9am. They're reading in bed. Great, right? But I can't help thinking that we need to get on with our day. They're not dressed. Haven't eaten. No chores done. ***

So, you like a schedule and you want to run a "tight ship". You'd like the kids to step in line and follow the schedule you've laid out. Do they have any input in this? It seems clear that they are ignoring your schedule to follow one of their own.

You can still continue down that path, be the drill sargeant and get them to comply like good soldiers. Since you don't want to shout and force, that's not what you want to be doing!

For right now, probably the best thing to do would be to ignore that voice in your head telling you they need to be up and dressed and getting on with the day. Let them sleep in and read and establish their own morning routine. If you have things planned for the day, let them know what time they need to be ready to go, and then, you mom, let it go. YOU go and get everything ready that needs to get ready before you go and do stuff. Inform them when the time is near to leave, assuming there needs to be a hard and fast time. Often there isn't a need for that.

Scheduling doesn't have to be a power struggle. Every person in a household has their own agenda for the day, most days. Open communication with one another will allow those agendas to mesh together. If only one agenda, mom's, is coming into play, there will be power struggles. Those will only get bigger as the kids get older. Right now, your kids are applying passive resistance, which is actually pretty peaceful. Know that it won't stay that way if you keep pushing your schedule onto them when they've got their own.





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Jenny Cyphers

***We are in a cyle right now of staying up later and sleeping in later. I've been trying to correct it by sending them to bed earlier, but of course they don't sleep because they've slept in that morning. The only way to correct it, as I see it, is to get them up early which generally means forcing them...however I want to stear away from that method now. We have had times when we've got stuff going on where we must get up early but the habit doesn't stick because our regular lifestyle doesn't support it.***

Your assuming this is something that needs to be corrected. If you are used to an early schedule and that is how your thrive as a person then don't change that for yourself. That doesn't mean that your kids need to follow the exact same schedule as you though.

What I know and what I've seen, is that my kids, no matter what time they go to bed, if there is something cool to get up for, they will. If there's nothing all that cool to get up for, then those days are the days they get all the sleep their bodies need. I apply that same technique for myself. Sometimes I'm up late with one kid and up early the next morning with the other one and I'll squeeze in a nap if I need to. There are 24 hrs in the day. Right now, on the side of the planet I live on, I get over 12 hrs of sunlight! That means that if I want to do stuff that requires daylight, I have a big huge over 12 hr window of time to do it! I can go on an evening bike ride at 7:30 and still get home before it's completely dark out. I could sleep in till noon and still be able to go to the zoo or the park or the grocery store AND still go on that late evening bike ride.





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Su Penn

On Apr 19, 2010, at 11:49 AM, Debbie B. wrote:

> It's 9:41 am and my kids are still in their rooms. They're awake, although only since 9am. They're reading in bed. Great, right? But I can't help thinking that we need to get on with our day. They're not dressed. Haven't eaten. No chores done.

Haven't eaten? If this were my kids, I'd pop my head in and ask if I could bring them something. When I was a kid, my middle school had a read-a-thon once a year. It was the only day of the year I was allowed to read as much as I wanted, without being harassed to get out of bed/go outside/do something more "productive"/and then (ironically) go to bed. It would have been amazing to me if my mom had just supported me instead.

A friend of mine's son recently got more fluent in reading and has become an avid reader. She is a big reader herself. Recently she told me that he had spent a whole day reading a book he was really caught up in, that he was finding it hard even to stop long enough to go to the bathroom. She said that she brought him finger snacks and drinks throughout the day so he didn't have to stop for meals and so he wouldn't forget to eat. The kind of thing, she said, that she would have loved as a kid.

That evening, his other mom then drove him the 25-minute-each-way trip to the library to get the next book in the series. So cool!

He was enjoying the books so much that day they didn't ask him to do anything else. They even did things for him like feed and water his rabbits, that he normally takes responsibility for. They wanted him to have this gift of a peaceful day doing exactly what he wanted to do. (They're not unschoolers, but if they were, they'd be good ones.)

> And please, hear me. I like relaxed mornings, too. But I like to get our stuff done in the morning so that if/when we have places to go in the afternoon I can feel confident that we got something already accomplished.

Maybe right now your kids need relaxed mornings so much that they won't want to go places in the afternoon. Maybe it doesn't matter if anything is "accomplished" on any given day (I struggle with the productivity demon, too, so I say this with all affection and respect). Maybe that's something you could work on letting go of.

Or, you could focus on things you can accomplish yourself. Your kids are busy reading--is there something you'd like to be doing you don't often get to? Or something you'd like to try?

> I've also already told them a few times to get up and come out of their rooms. So, they're disregarding my instructions as well. BUT I don't want to continue with my old ways of shouting and forcing.

Maybe try not to give instructions, but express your own wishes and concerns? If I were in a similar situation, my kids all caught up in something, but say we were so out of groceries I didn't even know what I could make for dinner, I'd say, "Hey, guys, sometime today I really need to get to the grocery store, at least to pick up something for dinner if not to do the whole shopping. When do you think you'll be ready to do that?"

And even then, sometimes it won't happen if they're really not wanting to stop whatever they're doing. They might agree to eat a strange combination of whatever we have in the house for dinner (hard boiled eggs! and...rice! yeah! with, um, I see a carrot back there...and here's a jar of sauerkraut, OK, we're good!) rather than interrupt themselves. Or I might figure out that I can manage a dinner if my partner will stop for one or two ingredients on the way home from work. Maybe we don't really have to do whatever I thought was so essential to get done.

> So, I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Let them be. Let less get accomplished. Let some time pass. Try to be flexible about your own agenda as much as possible, and support what they want to do. Let some more time pass, see how it's going. Try to just enjoy your kids. Try not to give instructions.

Su, mom to Eric, 8; Carl, 6; Yehva, 2.5

wtexans

===Why live by the clock today?===

I agree. It is very freeing to ignore the clock and the "shoulds" that relate to the clock.

There's no harm in the kids being in pj's until right before you need to leave the house. Heck, there are plenty of days when both my son and I are, at bedtime, changing from the prior night's pj's to a fresh pair of pj's [g].

We don't eat based on what the clock says; we eat when we're hungry. I know that my son is usually ready to eat about two hours after he wakes up, so if he hasn't asked for food before then then I'll go ahead and start cooking something for him. He's usually ready for a meal again in 3 or 4 hours, though sometimes he just wants to graze instead of having another meal. I'm attuned to his clock, rather than the one hanging on the wall. My hubby's working out of town for a few days this week, so tonight instead of making dinner at what time I usually make it when he's working in town I just waited until I was hungry -- which didn't happen until 10:30pm. I will tell you it took me a lot of years to get past the idea of "it's too late to eat a meal". I go to sleep waaaaay after 10:30pm, so eating dinner at that time of night is not too late *for me*.

When there have been so many years of "shoulds" that revolved around what time is shown on the clock, it can be a challenge to break away from that. Take it a step at a time.


===Try not to give instructions.===

What helped me with this one was to stop and think about what I was about to say, and to question if it really did need to be said. I would ask myself "why?" and "so what?". If my son had been playing video games for several hours and I found myself wanting to tell him to stop playing, I'd ask myself "why?" . . . why did I feel he needed to stop playing? . . . so what if he continued to play? I'd answer those questions to myself, thinking about what folks on this list would say if I'd brought the questions here.


===You can get back to an equilibrium, but not until the pendulum swings the other way and gradually slows toward the middle.===

I really like this, Sandra.


Glenda

Pam

I am new to all of this, but have an honest question. Like the original poster I am one of those who needs to be up, dressed, and the morning chores done by mid-morning or I feel like the day is wasting. Years of indoctrination, I guess, but it makes me FEEL good. I am trying to ease up on the kids especially when there is no where to go. They are even playing outside in their PJs lots more now.

My question: what if there is somewhere you HAVE to be by a certain time -- say a doctor's appointment? Or what if you have made a play date with friends and it would be rude to keep them waiting 30 minutes past the arranged time (one of our family principle's being respect for others). How then do you get them moving without turning into a drill sergeant? Mine are 4, 3 and 6mos, so nobody can stay home. My current strategies are to help them get dressed (whereas on days we have plenty of time I encourage them to dress themselves), but there is still often feet dragging. I also try making things a game, singing songs, etc. But often there is still a need to "herd the cats" and sometimes they make it difficult to the point of me getting really frustrated (read: yelling).

Suggestions? Ideas? Thoughts?

Thanks,
Pam

lalow66

> My question: what if there is somewhere you HAVE to be by a certain time -- say a doctor's appointment? Or what if you have made a play date with friends and it would be rude to keep them waiting 30 minutes past the arranged time (one of our family principle's being respect for others). How then do you get them moving without turning into a drill sergeant? Mine are 4, 3 and 6mos, so nobody can stay home. My current strategies are to help them get dressed (whereas on days we have plenty of time I encourage them to dress themselves), but there is still often feet dragging. I also try making things a game, singing songs, etc. But often there is still a need to "herd the cats" and sometimes they make it difficult to the point of me getting really frustrated (read: yelling).
>
> Suggestions? Ideas? Thoughts

First thing is I try my very best not to schedule ANYTHING early in the morning. My kids are 8,7,6,and 5. Things are better now than they were say, two years ago, but it is still difficult sometimes. When we do have something first thing in the morning, i let them know the night before, and then i get as much done as i can the night before. Have breakfast planed, snacks packed, clothes either on the kids or ready. Etc... Fun incentives explained, like first we are going to see the dentist, then we can go to target, or get icecream or whatever. And then I prepare myself for being slightly late and quite honestly what is going to happen.. they almost always over scheduled anyway and there are worst things than being a little late.
I dont plan playdates or other activities in the mornings. Doesnt work for us.

Debbie Bridge

I want to sincerely thank everyone who responded to my original post. I was going to wait until I read all of the links, but there's a lot of information to digest! Which is awesome! It's just going to take me some time.



So, in the meantime, know that I've taken all comments to heart and will seriously consider them.



Thanks again. :o)



Debbie

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Sandra Dodd

-=-How then do you get them moving without turning into a drill
sergeant? Mine are 4, 3 and 6mos, so nobody can stay home. My current
strategies are to help them get dressed (whereas on days we have
plenty of time I encourage them to dress themselves), but there is
still often feet dragging. I also try making things a game, singing
songs, etc. But often there is still a need to "herd the cats" and
sometimes they make it difficult to the point of me getting really
frustrated (read: yelling). -=-

Start earlier, put some of the clothes in the car, put the food in the
car. The cats will follow the food.

Sandra

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Gwen Montoya

First, if *you* like being up & dressed & having your chores done
early....there's nothing stopping *you* from doing that. Your kids may or
may not feel the same way.

Megan is 8 & Zoe is 3. I don't make plans for us before 1pm if I can help
it. Seriously, not setting anything up before 1pm has made our lives so much
more relaxed.

But if it can't be avoided, I make it as pleasant as I can. This means
getting everything ready before I get the kids up. Snacks packed, toys
packed, clothes laid out (Megan prefers I put something together for her,
Zoe sometimes likes to pick her own clothes, but not always). I get up a
little early to make sure I am ready. I try to give us an extra hour. So if
we need to be somewhere by 1pm, we start getting ready at 11am with the
intention of leaving at noon.

It has also been helpful to get the kids up in stages if I have time. Megan
needs to eat (usually) as soon as she wakes up. Zoe (usually) likes to wait
a coupe of hours before eating. So, if I can, I get Megan up & fed & dressed
before waking Zoe.

We had a doctor's appointment last week that was important. It wasn't
something we could put off . It is a health issue the kids are used to
dealing with and we talked about the need to be on time in the days before
the appointment. And then we went out to lunch (breakfast, lol) afterwords.

The "herding cats" thing? It gets better as they get older. Zoe went
through a phase where she'd strip *after* I got her dressed. Megan used to
have to have just the right toy before we could leave. Zoe tends to get
into her carseat very slowly. Megan likes to exit the car slowly. It just
just part of who they are. If I leave time for the quirks then it makes
everything go much easier.

Gwen

On Tue, Apr 20, 2010 at 7:15 AM, Pam <pambarnhill@...> wrote:

> My question: what if there is somewhere you HAVE to be by a certain time --
> say a doctor's appointment? Or what if you have made a play date with
> friends and it would be rude to keep them waiting 30 minutes past the
> arranged time (one of our family principle's being respect for others). How
> then do you get them moving without turning into a drill sergeant? Mine are
> 4, 3 and 6mos, so nobody can stay home. My current strategies are to help
> them get dressed (whereas on days we have plenty of time I encourage them to
> dress themselves), but there is still often feet dragging. I also try making
> things a game, singing songs, etc. But often there is still a need to "herd
> the cats" and sometimes they make it difficult to the point of me getting
> really frustrated (read: yelling).
>
>

>
> Suggestions? Ideas? Thoughts?
>
> Thanks,
> Pam
>
>
>


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Robin Bentley

> I am new to all of this, but have an honest question. Like the
> original poster I am one of those who needs to be up, dressed, and
> the morning chores done by mid-morning or I feel like the day is
> wasting. Years of indoctrination, I guess, but it makes me FEEL good.

So, *you* could be up, dressed and chores done (which you can defer if
your kids need you).

> I am trying to ease up on the kids especially when there is no where
> to go. They are even playing outside in their PJs lots more now.

Great! PJs are comfy, no doubt about it.
>
> My question: what if there is somewhere you HAVE to be by a certain
> time -- say a doctor's appointment?

It depends. I schedule appointments when I know my daughter is likely
to be awake for a while and ready to go.

> Or what if you have made a play date with friends and it would be
> rude to keep them waiting 30 minutes past the arranged time (one of
> our family principle's being respect for others).

Schedule play dates later in the day. Ask friends to come to your
place if you want morning playtime. Tell them the kids can come in
their pajamas! See how it goes and if your kids enjoy it.

> How then do you get them moving without turning into a drill
> sergeant? Mine are 4, 3 and 6mos, so nobody can stay home. My
> current strategies are to help them get dressed (whereas on days we
> have plenty of time I encourage them to dress themselves), but there
> is still often feet dragging.

Although I only have one child, it seems to me that your little ones
might benefit from fewer "let's get going and out of here" days. They
are very young. They don't need to be taken here and there. Let them
enjoy being home.

Unless they enjoy dressing themselves, you can help them. Nothing like
a loving interaction between parent and child while you help them put
their clothes on. Time for words of love and encouragement.

Try to think less about "strategies" and more about connection.

> I also try making things a game, singing songs, etc. But often there
> is still a need to "herd the cats" and sometimes they make it
> difficult to the point of me getting really frustrated (read:
> yelling).

It seems to me that you've set up an "me and them" dynamic: "*they*
make it difficult to the point of *me* getting really frustrated." You
can choose to see it differently. And choose to get frustrated or not.
Breathe, instead of yelling.

It also seems that a lot of what you're doing is for your benefit.
Getting up, doing chores, having play dates, get them out of the
house. Can you slow down a bit?

Read through this page and listen to the talk at the bottom. I think
it might help.
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully

Robin B.

Jenny Cyphers

***My question: what if there is somewhere you HAVE to be by a certain time -- say a doctor's appointment? Or what if you have made a play date with friends and it would be rude to keep them waiting 30 minutes past the arranged time (one of our family principle's being respect for others). How then do you get them moving without turning into a drill sergeant?***

There are several things that I've learned to do. I don't make really early appts for anything unless I absolutely have to. I get up earlier and get EVERYthing ready before I get the kids up, stuff already in the car, snacks packed, doors locked, lights out, all of it. I get my younger daughter in comfy clothes to sleep in the night before, so there is no getting dressed, just up, go to the bathroom and throw on shoes and a jacket. Then, above all else I set my leaving time for half an hour before I actually need to leave to allow for last minute things that always seem to happen, so that we make it places relatively on time. I also, for play dates, give an "ish" next to the time. I'll be there at 1ish, so there is flexibility and others aren't anxious about our arrival. I also know which friends are flexible and which ones aren't as much, so the ones that aren't, we really try very hard to be within 10 min of the set arrival time, earlier if we
can. Cell phones are wonderful for this, so if I'm going to be late, I call so the kids on the waiting end don't get upset.





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diana jenner

-=-(one of our family principles being respect for others)-=-

This really stands out for me... I think it's a great principle to live by,
*especially* for a parent! I also think the first place a parent needs to
exercise that principle is towards their own offspring. Honoring and
respecting the needs of your own child, over the need to be on time to a
playdate (even a scheduled one, or anything that can be rescheduled without
the world ending) is a perfect way to model this principle.
Because calling it a Family Principle and not practicing it first and best
with family, makes it something not so sweet and generous anymore...

~diana :)
xoxoxoxo
hannahbearski.wordpress.com
hannahsashes.blogspot.com


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