When do you start allowing children to make choices?
atvannoy
My daughter is 3 years old and until we all got colds a month or so ago, she and I used to go to the YMCA every day so that I could work out and she could play in the childwatch. She loved going and every day asked if it was "a Y day". We got off our routine as it took a full month for the cold to pass through the family and all of us get well enough to return to the Y. The problem I'm having is that my daughter says she doesn't want to go to the Y now. I haven't forced her to go back since she says she doesn't want to, but I wonder if this is a choice she should be making for the both of us or if I should take her and let her experience it again so that she remembers that she really did like it there.
Is this her choice to make?
Thanks for your help!
Is this her choice to make?
Thanks for your help!
Marina DeLuca-Howard
I started letting my kids make choices at birth. Self-directed feeding,
self-directed toileting and we chose outings we both went on together
together. As the adult I was perfectly able to stay longer, or leave
earlier when we went out. My compassion or passion for my kids allowed me
to revel in their fun. Dinner can wait or dinner can be peanut butter on
toast, with fruit and yogurt.
When the kids ideas were in conflict with those of a sibling, then I
negotiated compromise. I did learn to phone my husband if outings took too
long;) One night Rowan and Martin and I came home from a campfire with some
other moms at a park after eleven pm. My husband was expecting us by 9pm,
so he was frantic. Who comes home from a day at the park at eleven pm, not
a woman with a baby in a sling and a four year old, surely? I came home
glowing and Rowan was quite pleased with himself! Life is an adventure and
at age four Rowan was learning how many fun experiences there were out
there!
There were times I wanted an activity that didn't work for the kids. My
husband always offered to give me time, but I found my time away was not
enjoyable when they were little. I could go out for brunch or a movie, or a
walk or a grocery trip, but I didn't crave days off or away. I would rather
someone do my laundry than baby sit my kids! My best days were on the floor
playing or reading or curled up with a movie and drink! If you want to
socialize with adults there must be another time or place. If you miss the
Y for the workout put on some music and dance with your child. If you need
the workout arrange it for a time when your child is with their other
parent, or a grandparent or a special aunt/uncle or on a playdate with
another child.
Marina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
self-directed toileting and we chose outings we both went on together
together. As the adult I was perfectly able to stay longer, or leave
earlier when we went out. My compassion or passion for my kids allowed me
to revel in their fun. Dinner can wait or dinner can be peanut butter on
toast, with fruit and yogurt.
When the kids ideas were in conflict with those of a sibling, then I
negotiated compromise. I did learn to phone my husband if outings took too
long;) One night Rowan and Martin and I came home from a campfire with some
other moms at a park after eleven pm. My husband was expecting us by 9pm,
so he was frantic. Who comes home from a day at the park at eleven pm, not
a woman with a baby in a sling and a four year old, surely? I came home
glowing and Rowan was quite pleased with himself! Life is an adventure and
at age four Rowan was learning how many fun experiences there were out
there!
There were times I wanted an activity that didn't work for the kids. My
husband always offered to give me time, but I found my time away was not
enjoyable when they were little. I could go out for brunch or a movie, or a
walk or a grocery trip, but I didn't crave days off or away. I would rather
someone do my laundry than baby sit my kids! My best days were on the floor
playing or reading or curled up with a movie and drink! If you want to
socialize with adults there must be another time or place. If you miss the
Y for the workout put on some music and dance with your child. If you need
the workout arrange it for a time when your child is with their other
parent, or a grandparent or a special aunt/uncle or on a playdate with
another child.
Marina
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-When do you start allowing children to make choices?-=-
I started when they were born, because I breastfed them when they
wanted to, and quit when they were done. That led naturally to other
such choices, and where to sit, and what to wear, and whether to eat
real food, whether to ride in a stroller or be carried in a backpack
or arms, whether to play or not, watch a movie or not.
-=-Is this her choice to make?-=-
We can't answer that for you. It's your choice to make (whether to
let her share in or make such a choice).
-=-The problem I'm having is that my daughter says she doesn't want to
go to the Y now. I haven't forced her to go back since she says she
doesn't want to, but I wonder if this is a choice she should be making
for the both of us or if I should take her and let her experience it
again so that she remembers that she really did like it there.-=-
I have an idea. It's not the only idea in the world. One time, maybe
you could flip a coin, with heads being go and tails being stay home.
Not just before time to leave, but a couple of hours before, maybe, or
an hour before. And if she seems disappointed with the flip then you
know she wanted the other thing. And if you yourself are overly
thrilled or disappointed with the flip, you might know that it's not a
choice you want to give away at this time.
Flipping coins works great, not as a decision making tool directly,
but as an emotion-indicating tool. Sometimes I really truly do not
know what I want, but if I flip a coin, my emotions register one way
or the other.
Sandra
I started when they were born, because I breastfed them when they
wanted to, and quit when they were done. That led naturally to other
such choices, and where to sit, and what to wear, and whether to eat
real food, whether to ride in a stroller or be carried in a backpack
or arms, whether to play or not, watch a movie or not.
-=-Is this her choice to make?-=-
We can't answer that for you. It's your choice to make (whether to
let her share in or make such a choice).
-=-The problem I'm having is that my daughter says she doesn't want to
go to the Y now. I haven't forced her to go back since she says she
doesn't want to, but I wonder if this is a choice she should be making
for the both of us or if I should take her and let her experience it
again so that she remembers that she really did like it there.-=-
I have an idea. It's not the only idea in the world. One time, maybe
you could flip a coin, with heads being go and tails being stay home.
Not just before time to leave, but a couple of hours before, maybe, or
an hour before. And if she seems disappointed with the flip then you
know she wanted the other thing. And if you yourself are overly
thrilled or disappointed with the flip, you might know that it's not a
choice you want to give away at this time.
Flipping coins works great, not as a decision making tool directly,
but as an emotion-indicating tool. Sometimes I really truly do not
know what I want, but if I flip a coin, my emotions register one way
or the other.
Sandra
Robyn Coburn
Maybe you can work out why she doesn't want to go back. Sometimes it is just
the idea of doing something different that is the sticking point, not what
the different activity is. Sometimes something happens that we don't see -
was there a problem of some kind the last time you were there that she wants
to avoid?
What helped with Jayn when she was younger was to ask her to try it with the
proviso that if she found she wanted to go home again, we would go home
without rancour. Another was to give her more time to think about my
request - she still usually will say "no" first, and then say "yes" later.
What has happened at home that she might not want to stop doing? Have
you established some other activity that she is liking more and fears she
will lose in favor of the YMCA? Is it because of the weather?
Jayn goes through cycles of being very outgoing (literally) and then wanting
to hunker down. Neither state lasts forever.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
the idea of doing something different that is the sticking point, not what
the different activity is. Sometimes something happens that we don't see -
was there a problem of some kind the last time you were there that she wants
to avoid?
What helped with Jayn when she was younger was to ask her to try it with the
proviso that if she found she wanted to go home again, we would go home
without rancour. Another was to give her more time to think about my
request - she still usually will say "no" first, and then say "yes" later.
What has happened at home that she might not want to stop doing? Have
you established some other activity that she is liking more and fears she
will lose in favor of the YMCA? Is it because of the weather?
Jayn goes through cycles of being very outgoing (literally) and then wanting
to hunker down. Neither state lasts forever.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
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Robyn L. Coburn
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Marina DeLuca-Howard
Robyn Coburn <dezignarob@...> wrote:
it ended<grin> It is some sort of daycare, or sounds like it, anyway and
often three year old's don't like being left in a "fun" playspace while mom
pursues her own interests.
Marina
Rent our cottage: http://davehoward.ca/cottage/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
> >Maybe you can work out why she doesn't want to go back. Sometimes it isIt may be she never really enjoyed the activity, and was quite relived when
> just
> >the idea of doing something different that is the sticking point, not what
> >the different activity is. Sometimes something happens that we don't see -
> >was there a problem of some kind the last time you were there that she
> wants
> >to avoid?
it ended<grin> It is some sort of daycare, or sounds like it, anyway and
often three year old's don't like being left in a "fun" playspace while mom
pursues her own interests.
Marina
>--
> What helped with Jayn when she was younger was to ask her to try it with
> the
> proviso that if she found she wanted to go home again, we would go home
> without rancour. Another was to give her more time to think about my
> request - she still usually will say "no" first, and then say "yes" later.
>
> What has happened at home that she might not want to stop doing? Have
> you established some other activity that she is liking more and fears she
> will lose in favor of the YMCA? Is it because of the weather?
>
> Jayn goes through cycles of being very outgoing (literally) and then
> wanting
> to hunker down. Neither state lasts forever.
>
> Robyn L. Coburn
> www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
>
>
> > [image: Yahoo! Groups]<
> http://groups.yahoo.com/;_ylc=X3oDMTJkYXFxNjllBF9TAzk3MzU5NzE0BGdycElkAzQ0MTAyNTAEZ3Jwc3BJZAMxNzA1NTQyMTExBHNlYwNmdHIEc2xrA2dmcARzdGltZQMxMjY1ODUzMjcw
> >
> > Switch to: Text-Only<
> [email protected]?subject=Change+Delivery+Format:+Traditional
> >,
> > Daily Digest<
> [email protected]?subject=Email+Delivery:+Digest>�
> > Unsubscribe<
> [email protected]?subject=Unsubscribe>� Terms
> > of Use <http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/>
> > .
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
> --
> Robyn L. Coburn
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
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>
Rent our cottage: http://davehoward.ca/cottage/
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Joanna
> Maybe you can work out why she doesn't want to go back.A thought that occurs to me is that maybe your daughter was in the routine of going before. Children think that the way things are is the way things are. Then you stayed home and maybe that changed "the way things are" to something she likes better. It might be that she's really making this choice and expressing her opinion for the first time, and choosing home, rather than "not choosing" the Y. It's going to be up to you how you handle her expression of opinion.
My kids went through various times of wanting to go to the health club and not wanting to. One thought it was more fun than the other, and then it turned out that my older one was encountering a bully in the older area, and his parent was very weathly, so none of the staff would deal with him. When he stole a special lego piece of my son's, the story finally came out.
I realize that this is not so likely to be your daughter's issue, but the thought behind it--that there are things in her experience there that you are unaware of, and some might not be positive--is true for all kids being separated from their parents. It could even be the act of separation that seems scary to her now that didn't seem so scary before, because at your daughter's tender age, things like that shift around a lot.
Joanna
Pam Sorooshian
Ha - someone else with the same situation I had over and over and over,
with Roya. Roya is a very high energy and enthusiastic person (at 25 as
she was at 3 years old). She would be involved in an activity and just
love going - would be the one to get her stuff ready, be all excited,
couldn't wait to go. And then, if we missed two or more weeks in a row,
she didn't want to go back. It took me a while to recognize the pattern
- but it became unmistakable. I did not make her go back. However, once
I'd realized there was a pattern, here is what I did do... I would find
some excuse to have to go to the place, just to say goodbye, if nothing
else. Usually I could find some good reason that made some sense. For
example, Roya was on a swim team and she really really loved it. But
when she missed a couple of weeks because we were out of town, she
didn't want to go back. So I gathered up her swim clothes and cap and
towel and put them in the car and said we needed to go just tell the
coach that she wasn't going to be there anymore. Once we got there, she
was SO happy to be back, was greeted by all her friends and was
instantly over the idea that she didn't want to go back. I said I had
her swim stuff if she wanted them and she did.
Now - Roya was a lot older when I figured this out. More like 10 years old.
You could worry that your daughter would just figure she was stuck going
back and she might just make the best of it, instead of letting you know
if she really didn't want to. I didn't have to worry about that - Roya
wasn't that compliant of a kid. She'd have let me know loud and clear.
So - your mileage may vary - but just getting Roya into the vicinity of
something was always all it took for her to decide to continue with
something that she'd really enjoyed.
Interestingly, she is now 25 and knows this about herself and she does
the same thing to herself. If she knows she enjoyed something, but is
feeling like not going back, she just calls someone or stops by or
something - and then it sort of breaks the ice (not quite the right
expression, but sort of).
ON the other hand, maybe this child never really liked it and was just
making the best of it all along and now that she's been free of it and
experienced not having to go, she is resisting. Could be. In that case,
I would not want to pressure her.
-pam
with Roya. Roya is a very high energy and enthusiastic person (at 25 as
she was at 3 years old). She would be involved in an activity and just
love going - would be the one to get her stuff ready, be all excited,
couldn't wait to go. And then, if we missed two or more weeks in a row,
she didn't want to go back. It took me a while to recognize the pattern
- but it became unmistakable. I did not make her go back. However, once
I'd realized there was a pattern, here is what I did do... I would find
some excuse to have to go to the place, just to say goodbye, if nothing
else. Usually I could find some good reason that made some sense. For
example, Roya was on a swim team and she really really loved it. But
when she missed a couple of weeks because we were out of town, she
didn't want to go back. So I gathered up her swim clothes and cap and
towel and put them in the car and said we needed to go just tell the
coach that she wasn't going to be there anymore. Once we got there, she
was SO happy to be back, was greeted by all her friends and was
instantly over the idea that she didn't want to go back. I said I had
her swim stuff if she wanted them and she did.
Now - Roya was a lot older when I figured this out. More like 10 years old.
You could worry that your daughter would just figure she was stuck going
back and she might just make the best of it, instead of letting you know
if she really didn't want to. I didn't have to worry about that - Roya
wasn't that compliant of a kid. She'd have let me know loud and clear.
So - your mileage may vary - but just getting Roya into the vicinity of
something was always all it took for her to decide to continue with
something that she'd really enjoyed.
Interestingly, she is now 25 and knows this about herself and she does
the same thing to herself. If she knows she enjoyed something, but is
feeling like not going back, she just calls someone or stops by or
something - and then it sort of breaks the ice (not quite the right
expression, but sort of).
ON the other hand, maybe this child never really liked it and was just
making the best of it all along and now that she's been free of it and
experienced not having to go, she is resisting. Could be. In that case,
I would not want to pressure her.
-pam
On 2/10/2010 5:25 PM, atvannoy wrote:
> We got off our routine as it took a full month for the cold to pass through the family and all of us get well enough to return to the Y. The problem I'm having is that my daughter says she doesn't want to go to the Y now. I haven't forced her to go back since she says she doesn't want to, but I wonder if this is a choice she should be making for the both of us or if I should take her and let her experience it again so that she remembers that she really did like it there.
>
>
Kristi
My oldest is exactly the same way, whether it is gymnastics or choir or anything else that she totally loves. I think it is that feeling of "the way things are is the way things are," and a change in routine has always reset her comfort level button.
We also do the Y Childwatch thing on occasion, and yesterday we went for the first time after months of not going. Both my daughters were excited to stay and asked if we can go again next week. But we'll see how next week goes!
Basically, I honor their decision about whether or not they want to stay. Because *I'M* the one with an expectation (a workout), I have found it important to prepare myself for leaving, that way there is no negative outcome for them if I'm disappointed about missing my class. If we leave, we can go to the park, or get hot chocolate, or whatever, since we're already out. If we stay, I'm thrilled, but I don't place the burden of my happiness on their choice, I can just secretly smile as I sweat.
In my experience, when my little ones know it's a choice they can make, and that I will honor their feelings about the situation, their comfort level seems higher overall. Yes, there will be times when they want to skidaddle right away, but other times they are happy to to stay.
The harder part for me is when one wants to leave and the other wants to stay...that is possibly another topic. :)
We also do the Y Childwatch thing on occasion, and yesterday we went for the first time after months of not going. Both my daughters were excited to stay and asked if we can go again next week. But we'll see how next week goes!
Basically, I honor their decision about whether or not they want to stay. Because *I'M* the one with an expectation (a workout), I have found it important to prepare myself for leaving, that way there is no negative outcome for them if I'm disappointed about missing my class. If we leave, we can go to the park, or get hot chocolate, or whatever, since we're already out. If we stay, I'm thrilled, but I don't place the burden of my happiness on their choice, I can just secretly smile as I sweat.
In my experience, when my little ones know it's a choice they can make, and that I will honor their feelings about the situation, their comfort level seems higher overall. Yes, there will be times when they want to skidaddle right away, but other times they are happy to to stay.
The harder part for me is when one wants to leave and the other wants to stay...that is possibly another topic. :)
Jenny Cyphers
***The harder part for me is when one wants to leave and the other wants to stay...that is possibly another topic. :)***
When we've run into this, we've tried really hard to "sweeten" the deal for the one that doesn't want to stay or go. We've also done time compromises, like when one would stay for many hours more and one wants to leave right NOW. I'll suggest 1/2 hour longer, really sticking to that time frame. The person wanting to leave KNOWS that there is an end in sight and the one that wants to stay KNOWS that they have time to finish doing what they are doing or play on all their favorite park toys one last time.
For our family, eventually we couldn't do outings with both kids at the same time. My girls are 7 yrs apart and they have very little in common right now, one is 8 and the other is 15. Instead of fighting that, we went with it. There is way more peace for all outings, each girl gets undivided attention from a parent, or time alone, or time with a good friend. If I'd forced it they would surely despise each other right now, I could see that it would've gone in that direction quickly because being together with their needs at odds brought out the worst in each of them. That wasn't something we wanted at all! When we changed directions and started doing outings separate from each other, they were kinder and gentler with each other, and while they still don't have much in common, they are way more forgiving of each other's less than stellar attributes than they were a year ago when it all came to a head.
That's an extreme example, but I know that most kids love one on one time with a parent. If the kids aren't meshing with their outings, perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea to leave one with another parent or a friend for an afternoon. My sister and I were very close in age and sometimes it was really nice when she was away somewhere where I wasn't, where she wasn't sharing friends and games. That rarely happened for me, usually we were forced to share.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
When we've run into this, we've tried really hard to "sweeten" the deal for the one that doesn't want to stay or go. We've also done time compromises, like when one would stay for many hours more and one wants to leave right NOW. I'll suggest 1/2 hour longer, really sticking to that time frame. The person wanting to leave KNOWS that there is an end in sight and the one that wants to stay KNOWS that they have time to finish doing what they are doing or play on all their favorite park toys one last time.
For our family, eventually we couldn't do outings with both kids at the same time. My girls are 7 yrs apart and they have very little in common right now, one is 8 and the other is 15. Instead of fighting that, we went with it. There is way more peace for all outings, each girl gets undivided attention from a parent, or time alone, or time with a good friend. If I'd forced it they would surely despise each other right now, I could see that it would've gone in that direction quickly because being together with their needs at odds brought out the worst in each of them. That wasn't something we wanted at all! When we changed directions and started doing outings separate from each other, they were kinder and gentler with each other, and while they still don't have much in common, they are way more forgiving of each other's less than stellar attributes than they were a year ago when it all came to a head.
That's an extreme example, but I know that most kids love one on one time with a parent. If the kids aren't meshing with their outings, perhaps it wouldn't be such a bad idea to leave one with another parent or a friend for an afternoon. My sister and I were very close in age and sometimes it was really nice when she was away somewhere where I wasn't, where she wasn't sharing friends and games. That rarely happened for me, usually we were forced to share.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
atvannoy
Thanks for all the replies, experiences and suggestions.
Sandra - DH and I have used the coin-flipping method for helping us root out our real feelings about things, but I'd never thought of using it with DD. Thanks for the idea! I know that getting back to the gym is very important to me. Hopefully, the coin-flip method will reveal that she really does want to go too.
Robyn -
you established some other activity that she is liking more and fears she will lose in favor of the YMCA?
Marina-
Joanna -
Pam -
couldn't wait to go. And then, if we missed two or more weeks in a row, she didn't want to go back. It took me a while to recognize the pattern - but it became unmistakable. I did not make her go back. However, once I'd realized there was a pattern, here is what I did do... I would find some excuse to have to go to the place, just to say goodbye, if nothing else. Usually I could find some good reason that made some sense. For example, Roya was on a swim team and she really really loved it. But when she missed a couple of weeks because we were out of town, she didn't want to go back. So I gathered up her swim clothes and cap and towel and put them in the car and said we needed to go just tell the coach that she wasn't going to be there anymore. Once we got there, she was SO happy to be back, was greeted by all her friends and was instantly over the idea that she didn't want to go back. I said I had her swim stuff if she wanted them and she did.
Dropping by the Y for some reason or another to see if it reignites her interest is definitely worth a try. Thanks for pointing out the pattern that you've found with Roya. I will definitely be on the lookout for it with Carly.
Thanks again for your help!
Sandra - DH and I have used the coin-flipping method for helping us root out our real feelings about things, but I'd never thought of using it with DD. Thanks for the idea! I know that getting back to the gym is very important to me. Hopefully, the coin-flip method will reveal that she really does want to go too.
Robyn -
>>> was there a problem of some kind the last time you were there that she wants to avoid?>>>I don't think anything happened the last time we were there. She is particularly attached to me right now, so she may just not want to be separated from me.
>>>What has happened at home that she might not want to stop doing? Have
you established some other activity that she is liking more and fears she will lose in favor of the YMCA?
>>>Since we've been sick, we've been spending more time at home or out shopping and having lunch. I guess that would be more appealing to her than going to the gym!
Marina-
>>>It may be she never really enjoyed the activity, and was quite relived when it ended<grin> It is some sort of daycare, or sounds like it, anyway and often three year old's don't like being left in a "fun" playspace while mom pursues her own interests.
>>>She really did enjoy going, even asking on weekends if we could go to the Y. She looked forward to seeing the ladies that worked there. For her, it WAS a fun place. And, what's wrong with pursuing my own interests for an hour or so? I spend the other 23 hours a day at the beck and call of two kids (and a husband!). Working out really helps me clear my mind and releases a lot of tension for me, which *I* think is in the best interest of the entire family.
Joanna -
>>> It could even be the act of separation that seems scary toher now that didn't seem so scary before, because at your daughter's tender age, things like that shift around a lot.
>>>I think this could be a big part of it since she's been all about me for the past month or so. I think my poor husband is starting to take it personally.
Pam -
>>>Roya is a very high energy and enthusiastic person (at 25 as she was at 3 years old). She would be involved in an activity and just love going - would be the one to get her stuff ready, be all excited,
couldn't wait to go. And then, if we missed two or more weeks in a row, she didn't want to go back. It took me a while to recognize the pattern - but it became unmistakable. I did not make her go back. However, once I'd realized there was a pattern, here is what I did do... I would find some excuse to have to go to the place, just to say goodbye, if nothing else. Usually I could find some good reason that made some sense. For example, Roya was on a swim team and she really really loved it. But when she missed a couple of weeks because we were out of town, she didn't want to go back. So I gathered up her swim clothes and cap and towel and put them in the car and said we needed to go just tell the coach that she wasn't going to be there anymore. Once we got there, she was SO happy to be back, was greeted by all her friends and was instantly over the idea that she didn't want to go back. I said I had her swim stuff if she wanted them and she did.
>>>High energy and enthusiastic sounds exactly like Carly, if you're being euphemistic about it ;)
Dropping by the Y for some reason or another to see if it reignites her interest is definitely worth a try. Thanks for pointing out the pattern that you've found with Roya. I will definitely be on the lookout for it with Carly.
>>>You could worry that your daughter would just figure she was stuck going back and she might just make the best of it, instead of letting you know if she really didn't want to. I didn't have to worry about that - Roya wasn't that compliant of a kid. She'd have let me know loud and clear.
>>>Carly definitely doesn't go along with something just to make me or anyone else happy. She lets everyone know how she's feeling!
Thanks again for your help!
Sandra Dodd
-=-And, what's wrong with pursuing my own interests for an hour or so?
I spend the other 23 hours a day at the beck and call of two kids (and
a husband!). Working out really helps me clear my mind and releases a
lot of tension for me, which *I* think is in the best interest of the
entire family.-=-
What you get from working out is probably deep breathing and the
clearing of your mind (among other things), and those two things can
be found while in the presence of your children.
Because you used "beck and call," I'd like to ask you to look at this
page, please. It's an idiomatic expression that hasn't been used
politely for 500 years or so, so anyone who uses it is quoting
someone, in her head, a ghostly voice.
http://sandradodd.com/phrases
The wording sounds antagonistic, as though there are teams formed in
your family, in your head, and those teams are battling it out.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I spend the other 23 hours a day at the beck and call of two kids (and
a husband!). Working out really helps me clear my mind and releases a
lot of tension for me, which *I* think is in the best interest of the
entire family.-=-
What you get from working out is probably deep breathing and the
clearing of your mind (among other things), and those two things can
be found while in the presence of your children.
Because you used "beck and call," I'd like to ask you to look at this
page, please. It's an idiomatic expression that hasn't been used
politely for 500 years or so, so anyone who uses it is quoting
someone, in her head, a ghostly voice.
http://sandradodd.com/phrases
The wording sounds antagonistic, as though there are teams formed in
your family, in your head, and those teams are battling it out.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Vidyut Kale
"Right now" is what comes to mind.
I am not an experienced unschooler, but I find that even with an infant,
there are moments when I can clearly see him making a 'choice'. I do all I
can to respect it. Right now, it means that his oil massage has overshot its
'usual time' by half an hour, because he wanted to play in the middle of it.
Then he promptly fell asleep (as I KNEW he would) before we could head for
the bath. So I have an oily baby sleeping in very old bedsheets, while I do
other stuff and we have a bath when he wakes up. I could easily have said he
doesn't know what he is doing, and wrapped up the massage and got him bathed
and sorted before he fell asleep. Perhaps it wasn't a big deal. I do it,
because I want to keep it alive in my mind that there is nothing about his
life he doesn't have a say in. I want him to experience that he can do
things out of routines if he feels like it.
I don't know if it is his choice to make, or even if it really was a choice,
or the exuberance that naturally comes to a 5 month old. I did it, because
that is how I want to be.
Perhaps when he gets older, his choices will get more complex. There may be
greater difficulty accommodating them. In a way, I see this as 'training'
for me to be alive to what he wants so that I become okay with this way of
being. I look at this overall as respecting his every choice to the best of
my capacity when I become aware of him making it. Whether it is a choice is
not as important as it is that he is interested in a different direction
than things are headed otherwise and I can go with his flow.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I am not an experienced unschooler, but I find that even with an infant,
there are moments when I can clearly see him making a 'choice'. I do all I
can to respect it. Right now, it means that his oil massage has overshot its
'usual time' by half an hour, because he wanted to play in the middle of it.
Then he promptly fell asleep (as I KNEW he would) before we could head for
the bath. So I have an oily baby sleeping in very old bedsheets, while I do
other stuff and we have a bath when he wakes up. I could easily have said he
doesn't know what he is doing, and wrapped up the massage and got him bathed
and sorted before he fell asleep. Perhaps it wasn't a big deal. I do it,
because I want to keep it alive in my mind that there is nothing about his
life he doesn't have a say in. I want him to experience that he can do
things out of routines if he feels like it.
I don't know if it is his choice to make, or even if it really was a choice,
or the exuberance that naturally comes to a 5 month old. I did it, because
that is how I want to be.
Perhaps when he gets older, his choices will get more complex. There may be
greater difficulty accommodating them. In a way, I see this as 'training'
for me to be alive to what he wants so that I become okay with this way of
being. I look at this overall as respecting his every choice to the best of
my capacity when I become aware of him making it. Whether it is a choice is
not as important as it is that he is interested in a different direction
than things are headed otherwise and I can go with his flow.
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
atvannoy
> What you get from working out is probably deep breathing and theMy kids are 4.5 and 3 and the 3 year old is high-spirited and very demanding. Between the two of them, I am unable to think of anything other than their needs and wants during the day. My time at the gym gives me a little bit of time to mentally process things, but the physicality of pushing my body and sweating profusely is really cleansing for me.
> clearing of your mind (among other things), and those two things can
> be found while in the presence of your children.
>
> Because you used "beck and call," I'd like to ask you to look at thisI wasn't aware that the term "beck and call" was offensive. I probably do have the voices from the past in my head since I was raised in a traditional, controlling, fairly strict household. What I mean when I say "beck and call" is that I'm available the other 23 hours a day to meet my kids needs and wants. I do feel like our family is a team and that is why I came here asking how to handle the situation when two of the team members (my daughter and I) have conflicting wants and needs. If I felt that we were on differing teams, I'd just force her to go so I could "win" and she'd just have to "lose". I'm trying to find solutions where we can all win.
> page, please. It's an idiomatic expression that hasn't been used
> politely for 500 years or so, so anyone who uses it is quoting
> someone, in her head, a ghostly voice.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/phrases
>
> The wording sounds antagonistic, as though there are teams formed in
> your family, in your head, and those teams are battling it out.
>
shirlinda_momof3
""What you get from working out is probably deep breathing and the
clearing of your mind (among other things), and those two things can
be found while in the presence of your children.""
Maybe the mind-clearing is more effective in a group of adults than in the presence of your chldren. I know after caring for my kids all day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction, without children present.
My husband is VERY involved in our kids' lives; we are true partners in the household. When I work 24 hours, he has the kids. And he needs adult time as well. Our kids are 10, 7 & 6 and we have also allowed them to make choices since birth. But we have taught that their choices also affect other people and try to teach them to be considerate of another person's feelings/desires.
Telling them that the work-out time is important to Mommy may allow that child to make a choice to make Mommy happy for an hour. Then we reciprocate with an activity that the kids enjoy. Then we are both satisfied. This may not work with a 3 y/o, but there were many other suggestions that sounded useful as well, (coin-flipping, time compromises, etc.)
clearing of your mind (among other things), and those two things can
be found while in the presence of your children.""
Maybe the mind-clearing is more effective in a group of adults than in the presence of your chldren. I know after caring for my kids all day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction, without children present.
My husband is VERY involved in our kids' lives; we are true partners in the household. When I work 24 hours, he has the kids. And he needs adult time as well. Our kids are 10, 7 & 6 and we have also allowed them to make choices since birth. But we have taught that their choices also affect other people and try to teach them to be considerate of another person's feelings/desires.
Telling them that the work-out time is important to Mommy may allow that child to make a choice to make Mommy happy for an hour. Then we reciprocate with an activity that the kids enjoy. Then we are both satisfied. This may not work with a 3 y/o, but there were many other suggestions that sounded useful as well, (coin-flipping, time compromises, etc.)
Sandra Dodd
-=-Maybe the mind-clearing is more effective in a group of adults than
in the presence of your chldren. I know after caring for my kids all
day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction,
without children present. -=-
A week in Hawaii would be nice, but sometimes that's just as possible
as an hour of adult interaction.
If a mom is holding on to hurt and frustration and resentment, it will
take more than an hour to recover. And she won't be being with her
children fully, she'll be seeing herself in the gym, and then not in
the gym, and looking for someone to blame.
I'm not saying exercise and swimming and yoga aren't beneficial. I'm
saying that between those things it's possible to pay attention to
one's attitude, posture, thoughts and *breathing.*
I'm serious that the benefits of breathing don't need to wait for the
gym. Neither does exercise or sweating. Take the kids out jogging
somehow. If you can't afford one of those cool bicycle-wheeled
jogging strollers, pull them in a wagon on a bike trail or go running
in a park with them in the middle.
But if it's winter and you live far from a trail or a park, then
breathing and clearing your mind for just a few moments can be done
while you're holding a baby, while you're folding laundry, while
you're making dinner, while you're sitting on the toilet. Getting
cranky with me for making the suggestion is evidence of crankiness. I
know how to help you dissipate crankiness.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
In San Diego at the Good Vibrations conference, I also helped a
roomful of people become and maintain crankiness. Then we took it
away. Then we "crankified" again. Then we took it away. Then I went
to the emergency room for serious leg pain which I'd had since the day
before, but I was NOT going to miss doing that breathing workshop. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
in the presence of your chldren. I know after caring for my kids all
day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction,
without children present. -=-
A week in Hawaii would be nice, but sometimes that's just as possible
as an hour of adult interaction.
If a mom is holding on to hurt and frustration and resentment, it will
take more than an hour to recover. And she won't be being with her
children fully, she'll be seeing herself in the gym, and then not in
the gym, and looking for someone to blame.
I'm not saying exercise and swimming and yoga aren't beneficial. I'm
saying that between those things it's possible to pay attention to
one's attitude, posture, thoughts and *breathing.*
I'm serious that the benefits of breathing don't need to wait for the
gym. Neither does exercise or sweating. Take the kids out jogging
somehow. If you can't afford one of those cool bicycle-wheeled
jogging strollers, pull them in a wagon on a bike trail or go running
in a park with them in the middle.
But if it's winter and you live far from a trail or a park, then
breathing and clearing your mind for just a few moments can be done
while you're holding a baby, while you're folding laundry, while
you're making dinner, while you're sitting on the toilet. Getting
cranky with me for making the suggestion is evidence of crankiness. I
know how to help you dissipate crankiness.
http://sandradodd.com/breathing
http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
In San Diego at the Good Vibrations conference, I also helped a
roomful of people become and maintain crankiness. Then we took it
away. Then we "crankified" again. Then we took it away. Then I went
to the emergency room for serious leg pain which I'd had since the day
before, but I was NOT going to miss doing that breathing workshop. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
>>>Whether it is a choice is not as important as it is that he is interestedin a different direction
than things are headed otherwise and I can go with his flow.<<<
This comes very naturally for some people and so the idea of choices can be
a total non-issue for them. I could do this in some areas of mothering and
in other areas, because of whatever it was I didn't know or whatever didn't
come naturally to me, the abstract notion of offering choices, though a bit
artificial, was like a stepping stone to doing it naturally in more and more
areas of mothering Karl.
I enjoyed that oil massage/bath routine story, Vidyut. :) Really sweet.
~Katherine
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
k
>>>I'm not saying exercise and swimming and yoga aren't beneficial. I'msaying that between those things it's possible to pay attention to
one's attitude, posture, thoughts and *breathing.*<<<
One hour in 23 may not really be near enough for a person. It wouldn't be
for me. I used to do yoga a lot when I was single and I do it sometimes now.
It's really helpful and starts my day off very nicely when I do it. I walked
tons when Karl was 3 and under. I used a Hugabub carrier and away we went
around and around the field next to our house. And when Karl was that young
I didn't miss adult interaction. I went straight into the baby cocoon and
stayed there for a good long while and loved it. Nice memories I'll always
have.
Beyond that, I've been without adult interaction (except online or
occasional phone calls) for long periods. And I've found that it's really
not unusual. A lot of stay at home parents are in the same boat.
I think our culture does a lot to misinform parents about the true nature of
caring for children, and so many have this idea that children can (or even
that they *should*) be added without much change in lifestyle. What a rude
awakening to find out that children aren't welcome in most social circles.
I've looked high and low with some success. Not to mention that things don't
tend to stay the same very long. It isn't very easy for many parents to find
a warm circle of friends that welcomes children, and if they do find it,
well then other things can easily break up that circle: one friend loses a
job and their partner goes to work or they both move away or maybe they go
back to school or move to an intentional community. If we had an agrarian
society, change would probably not be a constant in our lives. Adjusting to
the reality can be a challenge at times.
So I think it helps a lot to add other routines to that workout hour so that
perhaps the seeming grind of 24 hours can lighten up and stop dragging you
down. Adding things like focus on breathing for short periods throughout the
day can have the real effect of actually changing one's perspective so that
what seems a grind or a drag can instead be a joy. (I know... hard to
imagine a state of joy in the state of mind that says 24 hours on duty but
it can be done at least to some degree.)
~Katherine
On Fri, Feb 12, 2010 at 11:41 AM, Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> -=-Maybe the mind-clearing is more effective in a group of adults than
> in the presence of your chldren. I know after caring for my kids all
> day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction,
> without children present. -=-
>
> A week in Hawaii would be nice, but sometimes that's just as possible
> as an hour of adult interaction.
>
> If a mom is holding on to hurt and frustration and resentment, it will
> take more than an hour to recover. And she won't be being with her
> children fully, she'll be seeing herself in the gym, and then not in
> the gym, and looking for someone to blame.
>
> I'm not saying exercise and swimming and yoga aren't beneficial. I'm
> saying that between those things it's possible to pay attention to
> one's attitude, posture, thoughts and *breathing.*
>
> I'm serious that the benefits of breathing don't need to wait for the
> gym. Neither does exercise or sweating. Take the kids out jogging
> somehow. If you can't afford one of those cool bicycle-wheeled
> jogging strollers, pull them in a wagon on a bike trail or go running
> in a park with them in the middle.
>
> But if it's winter and you live far from a trail or a park, then
> breathing and clearing your mind for just a few moments can be done
> while you're holding a baby, while you're folding laundry, while
> you're making dinner, while you're sitting on the toilet. Getting
> cranky with me for making the suggestion is evidence of crankiness. I
> know how to help you dissipate crankiness.
>
> http://sandradodd.com/breathing
> http://sandradodd.com/parentingpeacefully
>
> In San Diego at the Good Vibrations conference, I also helped a
> roomful of people become and maintain crankiness. Then we took it
> away. Then we "crankified" again. Then we took it away. Then I went
> to the emergency room for serious leg pain which I'd had since the day
> before, but I was NOT going to miss doing that breathing workshop. <g>
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>
> ------------------------------------
>
> Yahoo! Groups Links
>
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pamela Sorooshian
I know after caring for my kids all day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction, without children present.
But - I wanted to comment on how the above sentence struck me as not consistent with my reality.
I just didn't think of my days as being spent "caring for my kids." I didn't feel like that and I don't remember it that way, looking back.
I spent my days and nights WITH my kids - hanging out, being together.
That sentence struck me with a sense of responsibility or even burden, and maybe the solution is to focus on lightening up and having more fun together, rather than on getting away from the kids more.
Could be way off base, but from the little information given and the tone of it, that's my reaction.
-pam
>I'm not saying that I never enjoyed time hanging out with other adults, but that mostly happened while hanging out with our kids, too. Of course, the kids would often be playing in another room or running around on a playground while we adults spent some time together.
But - I wanted to comment on how the above sentence struck me as not consistent with my reality.
I just didn't think of my days as being spent "caring for my kids." I didn't feel like that and I don't remember it that way, looking back.
I spent my days and nights WITH my kids - hanging out, being together.
That sentence struck me with a sense of responsibility or even burden, and maybe the solution is to focus on lightening up and having more fun together, rather than on getting away from the kids more.
Could be way off base, but from the little information given and the tone of it, that's my reaction.
-pam
k
>>> It isn't very easy for many parents to find a warm circle of friendsthat welcomes children, and if they do find it, well then other things can
easily break up that circle: one friend loses a job and their partner goes
to work or they both move away or maybe they go back to school or move to an
intentional community. If we had an agrarian society, change would probably
not be a constant in our lives. Adjusting to the reality can be a challenge
at times.<<<
DO find social outlets. So what if things change a lot? lol The way I wrote
the above sounds to me a bit like one shouldn't even try.
And I'm not saying the non-agrarian culture is bad or good. It is what it is
and that's fine. Every culture has its own traits and means a certain amount
of thought put into how unschooling works within it.
I'm a bit rusty on writing posts here on the lists as I've been a hiatus for
a while and my wordiness is mucking up my posts. I'm not meaning to confuse
the issues.
~Katherine
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***I do feel like our family is a team and that is why I came here asking how to handle the situation when two of the team members (my daughter and I) have conflicting wants and needs. If I felt that we were on differing teams, I'd just force her to go so I could "win" and she'd just have to "lose". I'm trying to find solutions where we can all win.***
Right, but, it isn't just 2 choices, working out and putting kids in the kid's Y play place, or not going at all. You could leave the kids with their dad and go when he's available to watch them.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Right, but, it isn't just 2 choices, working out and putting kids in the kid's Y play place, or not going at all. You could leave the kids with their dad and go when he's available to watch them.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-One hour in 23 may not really be near enough for a person. It
wouldn't be
for me-=-
Other than getting the dad to spot the mom, or getting friends or
relatives or neighbors to babysit, one hour in 23 might be an
impossibility.
Breathing a few deep breaths and thinking soothing thoughts is only
impossible if someone decides to avoid even trying it.
-=-So I think it helps a lot to add other routines to that workout
hour so that
perhaps the seeming grind of 24 hours can lighten up and stop dragging
you
down. Adding things like focus on breathing for short periods
throughout the
day can have the real effect of actually changing one's perspective so
that
what seems a grind or a drag can instead be a joy. (I know... hard to
imagine a state of joy in the state of mind that says 24 hours on duty
but
it can be done at least to some degree.)-=-
Yes. There are ideas here:
http://sandradodd.com/howto
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wouldn't be
for me-=-
Other than getting the dad to spot the mom, or getting friends or
relatives or neighbors to babysit, one hour in 23 might be an
impossibility.
Breathing a few deep breaths and thinking soothing thoughts is only
impossible if someone decides to avoid even trying it.
-=-So I think it helps a lot to add other routines to that workout
hour so that
perhaps the seeming grind of 24 hours can lighten up and stop dragging
you
down. Adding things like focus on breathing for short periods
throughout the
day can have the real effect of actually changing one's perspective so
that
what seems a grind or a drag can instead be a joy. (I know... hard to
imagine a state of joy in the state of mind that says 24 hours on duty
but
it can be done at least to some degree.)-=-
Yes. There are ideas here:
http://sandradodd.com/howto
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny Cyphers
***Other than getting the dad to spot the mom, or getting friends or
relatives or neighbors to babysit, one hour in 23 might be an
impossibility.
Breathing a few deep breaths and thinking soothing thoughts is only
impossible if someone decides to avoid even trying it.***
Another thought, that kind of piggy backs on what Pam said about being with her kids and hanging out with them, rather than away from them, is that all kinds of exercise can happen with kids around. Playing tag or setting up obstacle courses or going on walks or hikes or bike rids or even vacuuming.
Over the years, what I've found, is that if I look at the problem without thinking I already know the solution, I can be creative in solving it. Sometimes I get up earlier than my kids or stay up later, to have that moment of solitude. Once they are awake and running, I NEED to be there for them in the capacity that they need me. Unschooling takes MORE hands on, being there, than other ways of parenting and homeschooling.
Sometimes I play DDR to get some exercise, sometimes I jump on a trampoline, sometimes I stretch while waiting for a kid. It's a part of life. It need not be a separate activity. Once I could get over that hurdle in my thinking, that a thing needed to be a certain way to work, the choices were seemingly infinite.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
relatives or neighbors to babysit, one hour in 23 might be an
impossibility.
Breathing a few deep breaths and thinking soothing thoughts is only
impossible if someone decides to avoid even trying it.***
Another thought, that kind of piggy backs on what Pam said about being with her kids and hanging out with them, rather than away from them, is that all kinds of exercise can happen with kids around. Playing tag or setting up obstacle courses or going on walks or hikes or bike rids or even vacuuming.
Over the years, what I've found, is that if I look at the problem without thinking I already know the solution, I can be creative in solving it. Sometimes I get up earlier than my kids or stay up later, to have that moment of solitude. Once they are awake and running, I NEED to be there for them in the capacity that they need me. Unschooling takes MORE hands on, being there, than other ways of parenting and homeschooling.
Sometimes I play DDR to get some exercise, sometimes I jump on a trampoline, sometimes I stretch while waiting for a kid. It's a part of life. It need not be a separate activity. Once I could get over that hurdle in my thinking, that a thing needed to be a certain way to work, the choices were seemingly infinite.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
lalow66
I have a son that will often opt out of things to stay home when he can, but when he goes to activities he will often have fun. He isnt one that can be made to do things either. If he doesnt want to do it he just doesnt want to, but with 4 kids we all all learning to work together. So when these situations arise and the rest of us really want to go, we make it appealing to him as well. Picking up cookies from Subway on the way home often helps, stoping by Target, bringing something for him to do, going by the library etc... make the trip interesting for him and more often than not, when we get to the place we origionally were going, he enjoys himself there too, because he wasnt forced.
Perhaps with going back to a day care kind of situation at the Y, you might assure her that you wont leave until she says you can. Perhaps, shs is nervous about being left after getting out of the habit.
Perhaps with going back to a day care kind of situation at the Y, you might assure her that you wont leave until she says you can. Perhaps, shs is nervous about being left after getting out of the habit.
Joanna
> I spent my days and nights WITH my kids - hanging out, being together.This reminds me of how I used to feel when my kids were really little and I was very responsible for every aspect of their lives, particularly behavior. After many time-outs and attempts to push them around all day I was exhausted. (I'm not saying that I think the op is at all in the same place--just that it reminds me of when I was.) When I started learning about unschooling, and realizing how much FUN I could have, and that life wasn't all serious and prepping them for college <g> the days got soooooo much easier and just more fun.
>
> That sentence struck me with a sense of responsibility or even burden, and maybe the solution is to focus on lightening up and having more fun together, rather than on getting away from the kids more.
>
> Could be way off base, but from the little information given and the tone of it, that's my reaction.
>
> -pam
>
Joanna
Julie van der Wekken
I wonder if some of this comes from parent's not pursuing their own passions just as they help their children pursue theirs? When I'm pursuing my passions alongside my children pursuing theirs I feel complete. I get pockets of time throughout the day to do what interests me, therefore I never feel the need to get away. We do get together with a few families on occasion where we're able to have adult conversation while the children are playing close by. We're also involved in an urban homesteader group (one of our interests) and children are always welcome at these get togethers.
My husband and I have taken genuine interests in the interests of our children and are learning right along with them, and vice versa, our children have become interested in certain things that my husband and I like to do and have joined us on occasion or just asked questions and have become inspired themselves just by observing us.
Here's a great article by Ren Allen on mom's pursuing their own interests:
http://sandradodd.com/strew/ren
Julie van der Wekken
My husband and I have taken genuine interests in the interests of our children and are learning right along with them, and vice versa, our children have become interested in certain things that my husband and I like to do and have joined us on occasion or just asked questions and have become inspired themselves just by observing us.
Here's a great article by Ren Allen on mom's pursuing their own interests:
http://sandradodd.com/strew/ren
Julie van der Wekken
--- In [email protected], "shirlinda_momof3" <savahl@...> wrote:
>
> ""What you get from working out is probably deep breathing and the
> clearing of your mind (among other things), and those two things can
> be found while in the presence of your children.""
>
> Maybe the mind-clearing is more effective in a group of adults than in the presence of your chldren. I know after caring for my kids all day/night it would be nice to have an hour of adult interaction, without children present.
>
> My husband is VERY involved in our kids' lives; we are true partners in the household. When I work 24 hours, he has the kids. And he needs adult time as well. Our kids are 10, 7 & 6 and we have also allowed them to make choices since birth. But we have taught that their choices also affect other people and try to teach them to be considerate of another person's feelings/desires.
>
> Telling them that the work-out time is important to Mommy may allow that child to make a choice to make Mommy happy for an hour. Then we reciprocate with an activity that the kids enjoy. Then we are both satisfied. This may not work with a 3 y/o, but there were many other suggestions that sounded useful as well, (coin-flipping, time compromises, etc.)
>
Jenny Cyphers
***When I'm pursuing my passions alongside my children pursuing theirs I feel complete. I get pockets of time throughout the day to do what interests me, therefore I never feel the need to get away. ***
YES! Exactly what we experience in our house too. Each of us pursue the things we love, sometimes the same things together and sometimes separate things simultaneously!
In addition to that link, what helped "me" get to that place, was learning how to "be" with my kids!
http://sandradodd.com/being/
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YES! Exactly what we experience in our house too. Each of us pursue the things we love, sometimes the same things together and sometimes separate things simultaneously!
In addition to that link, what helped "me" get to that place, was learning how to "be" with my kids!
http://sandradodd.com/being/
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BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
***When I'm pursuing my passions alongside my children pursuing theirs
I feel complete. I get pockets of time throughout the day to do what
interests me, therefore I never feel the need to get away. ***
YES! Exactly what we experience in our house too. Each of us pursue
the things we love, sometimes the same things together and sometimes
separate things simultaneously!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I do feel the same way but there there are many things I love to do that I have, joyfully, put on hold because my kids are young and I chose to be with them.
I too love to work out and bike and when my oldest was younger he would not go with anyone, not even dad.
So I did not go work out and for a while could not even put him down to do anything at home.
But we have a treadmill and a bike trainer and as soon as he was mobile and wanted to stay down I was able to do it more.
I tried going to the dog shows and showing our dog. I was able to do it when MD was 3 and I was pregnant.
It was Ok, not great but doable.
The next time I tried Gigi was about 8 months old and it was a nightmare.
She was with my mom at the show ( just 10 minutes from home so I thought perfect) but as soon as we went into the ring
she started wanting me and fussing and the dog just did not show well because the dog could hear her and Vicky ( the dog) loves her.
So now I have this dog that I bought for a lot of money and never even finish her championship.
I could her send her to a dog handler to do it but Gigi just would not be happy if we sent the dog away so she stayed and is a loved pet.
But all is well.
I don't resent my kids for it.
I gladly chose to put them first. They are growing and its much easier now.
We go and show the cows and calves at the Dairy Shows and the kids like that.
I think its all how you see it. I f you see it as sacrificing something you want to do for your kids than I am sure there will be resentment.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
________________________________
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I feel complete. I get pockets of time throughout the day to do what
interests me, therefore I never feel the need to get away. ***
YES! Exactly what we experience in our house too. Each of us pursue
the things we love, sometimes the same things together and sometimes
separate things simultaneously!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I do feel the same way but there there are many things I love to do that I have, joyfully, put on hold because my kids are young and I chose to be with them.
I too love to work out and bike and when my oldest was younger he would not go with anyone, not even dad.
So I did not go work out and for a while could not even put him down to do anything at home.
But we have a treadmill and a bike trainer and as soon as he was mobile and wanted to stay down I was able to do it more.
I tried going to the dog shows and showing our dog. I was able to do it when MD was 3 and I was pregnant.
It was Ok, not great but doable.
The next time I tried Gigi was about 8 months old and it was a nightmare.
She was with my mom at the show ( just 10 minutes from home so I thought perfect) but as soon as we went into the ring
she started wanting me and fussing and the dog just did not show well because the dog could hear her and Vicky ( the dog) loves her.
So now I have this dog that I bought for a lot of money and never even finish her championship.
I could her send her to a dog handler to do it but Gigi just would not be happy if we sent the dog away so she stayed and is a loved pet.
But all is well.
I don't resent my kids for it.
I gladly chose to put them first. They are growing and its much easier now.
We go and show the cows and calves at the Dairy Shows and the kids like that.
I think its all how you see it. I f you see it as sacrificing something you want to do for your kids than I am sure there will be resentment.
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
________________________________
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John and Amanda Slater
________________________________
From: ALEX POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
I do feel the same way but there there are many things I love to do that I have, joyfully, put on hold because my kids are young and I chose to be with them.
*****
I try to remember that I had 25 years before I had kids and hopefully longer than that when they don't need me so much. It also helps me to remember that I did not always do things when I had the chance. For example, I would love to hike more, but the kids don't want to as often as the adults do. When I get frustrated it helps to remember that I have for various reasons chosen not to hike on days that I could have. It helps to remember that kids are not the only thing that have ever held me back from doing something I love.
And sometimes, like tonight, they make something fun so much more fun. We played wii sports for at least two hours as a family. It was infinitely more fun than playing alone!
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 7
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From: ALEX POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
I do feel the same way but there there are many things I love to do that I have, joyfully, put on hold because my kids are young and I chose to be with them.
*****
I try to remember that I had 25 years before I had kids and hopefully longer than that when they don't need me so much. It also helps me to remember that I did not always do things when I had the chance. For example, I would love to hike more, but the kids don't want to as often as the adults do. When I get frustrated it helps to remember that I have for various reasons chosen not to hike on days that I could have. It helps to remember that kids are not the only thing that have ever held me back from doing something I love.
And sometimes, like tonight, they make something fun so much more fun. We played wii sports for at least two hours as a family. It was infinitely more fun than playing alone!
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 7
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Joy
I wonder if that is the case when children are a little bit older. Mine is 4 and 1. I found myself really looking forward to the time when they both sleep and I can sip some tea and be by myself.
Joy
Sent from my iPhone
Joy
Sent from my iPhone
On Feb 12, 2010, at 4:39 PM, John and Amanda Slater <fourslaterz@...> wrote:
________________________________
From: ALEX POLIKOWSKY <polykowholsteins@...>
I do feel the same way but there there are many things I love to do that I have, joyfully, put on hold because my kids are young and I chose to be with them.
*****
I try to remember that I had 25 years before I had kids and hopefully longer than that when they don't need me so much. It also helps me to remember that I did not always do things when I had the chance. For example, I would love to hike more, but the kids don't want to as often as the adults do. When I get frustrated it helps to remember that I have for various reasons chosen not to hike on days that I could have. It helps to remember that kids are not the only thing that have ever held me back from doing something I love.
And sometimes, like tonight, they make something fun so much more fun. We played wii sports for at least two hours as a family. It was infinitely more fun than playing alone!
Amanda
Eli 8, Samuel 7
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Vidyut Kale
"I wonder if some of this comes from parent's not pursuing their own
passions just as they help their children pursue theirs? When I'm pursuing
my passions alongside my children pursuing theirs I feel complete."
Wow. Flashbulb.
Its totally like this for me. Being able to be excited about my own passions
freely enables me to understand and respect his desires too. Its like
because I like eating chocolate, I'm excited about him discovering a taste?
When I get bogged down and 'coping', it is more difficult to find his
freedom precious too.
Eureka!!!
This changes everything. I now see so many possibilities for supporting both
our passions more. I was living it, but I never really saw it before.
Thanks!
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
passions just as they help their children pursue theirs? When I'm pursuing
my passions alongside my children pursuing theirs I feel complete."
Wow. Flashbulb.
Its totally like this for me. Being able to be excited about my own passions
freely enables me to understand and respect his desires too. Its like
because I like eating chocolate, I'm excited about him discovering a taste?
When I get bogged down and 'coping', it is more difficult to find his
freedom precious too.
Eureka!!!
This changes everything. I now see so many possibilities for supporting both
our passions more. I was living it, but I never really saw it before.
Thanks!
Vidyut
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]