Jenny C

I just dropped Chamille and Cyle off at the movie theater. They met up with a friend there, who's mother insisted on meeting me. If I'd known I was going to meet someone, I would've put something else on. I had only heard of this mom through various accounts from the kids.

Her son is really nice, but he really didn't want me to meet his mom, he doesn't want his mom anywhere near his life. He has a dad, a step dad, a step mom, his mom, and his mom's boyfriend and 13 siblings. They all have a lot of money and they drive nice cars, and the mom is a bit snobbish about money and people who don't have it. It's more confusing than the Brady Bunch! I knew all this while I was waiting to meet this woman in my scrunchy old sweater and jeans, glad I'd taken a shower at least.

While we were waiting I said something to Chamille about how I wish I'd known I was meeting her so that I could've at least dressed a little nicer and put lip stuff on. I told her how insecure I was feeling about that, and she looked at me without hesitation and said "mom, at least your kids like you!"

And, just like that, she put everything into perspective for me! I really do feel grateful that my kids like me and that I like them. A person could have all the money in the world and their kids could absolutely hate them. It's been on my mind because of the recent threads on feeling of lack and how it really can be avoided. My kids are whole and full and so is my life BECAUSE of how we live it!

So, while I don't deny that money can make an unschooling life easier, and that affording opportunities can contribute to a rich full unschooling life, it isn't everything. It can be worked around. Creating peace and optimism and comfort and trusting relationships are bigger and it shows through in times when things are less than ideal.

Sandra Dodd

Last night and this morning I worked on some questions for a
something that will be published next week, about my new book. One
of the questions, I had moved to the bottom and marked it as something
I didn't want to answer. I talked to Keith about it in the hot tub.
I still didn't plan to answer it. I woke up this morning with an
answer to it, wrote it and sent it:

The question was: You have 3 children, including 2 completely
unschooled boys. How/why do you think unschooling is beneficial for
boys?

I wrote: Many men work around their childhood shame and trauma, or
take years untangling and overcoming it. Some men live with it every
day, thinking it's just a natural part of everyone's life. Some are
timid; some are bullies If their parents could have planned ahead to
avoid shame and trauma, how much calmer and creative and courageous
might their sons have been? There are inevitable sorrows enough
without parents creating them. There are obstacles enough in life
without parents setting them purposely or carelessly. Young men who
will thank their mothers and hug their dads and who want to come home
when they have the option do not come from harsh, traditional,
punitive parenting. If their mothers have been their allies and
supporters rather than their owners and bosses, life is different. If
their fathers have been their counsellors and partners rather than
their trainers and overseers, those boys can grow up whole, in peace
and confidence.


I received this response: I particularly like your answers about how/
why unschooling is beneficial for boys. Think how different the world
could be...


------
Sandra




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Pam Sorooshian

On 10/3/2009 3:05 PM, Jenny C wrote:
> And, just like that, she put everything into perspective for me!
Sweet! I LOVE hearing stories like that - I've forgotten how old
Chamille is, can you remind us?

Roxana is home from college for a day or two - just to hang out with her
family. Her college is about 30 minutes drive away. Rosie's friend
posted on facebook that she was applying to colleges, and that she is
hoping to get into one as far from home as possible. Interestingly, her
parents are pretty nice - they seem to have a nice family life. I'm
surprised to hear that she wants to "get away from them," which is how
she put it.

-pam

Sandra Dodd

-=-My kids are whole and full and so is my life BECAUSE of how we live
it!-=-

Beautiful.
I added the account to the page on "How are they as people" in the
teens section of my site:

http://sandradodd.com/teen/people

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Jenny Cyphers

>>>I've forgotten how old
Chamille is, can you remind us?>>>
Chamille is 15. Sorry about that, it was probably relevant!
>>>Rosie's friend
posted on facebook that she was applying to colleges, and that she is
hoping to get into one as far from home as possible. Interestingly, her
parents are pretty nice - they seem to have a nice family life. I'm
surprised to hear that she wants to "get away from them," which is how
she put it.>>>
I've seen that over and over again, even with "nice" parents. My parents were nice, but I moved out as soon as I could so that I could finally live the way I wanted to live, and do what I wanted to do, without my parents rules and questions and opinions.
This mom that I met is like that. She doesn't like her son's friends and is suspicious of all of his activities. He made a comment today about the fact that his mother doesn't really like him very much. I asked him why and he said that he isn't the person that she wishes he was. I'm sure she cares about him and cares for him. Lots of parents are like that. I don't meet a lot of parents that really truly like their teens, just for who they are as people.
Sometimes I'm so incredibly struck with the idea that all these parents are out there raising people, real human beings and never bother to understand or accept that those people grow up into their own individual selves with their own individual ideas and likes and dislikes. While they are young and small they can control them easier, but once they are teenagers, they get very little say in what goes on, even if they try very hard to. It's really sad, that huge disconnect of parent/child relationship.
What I see of unschooled teens, and some homeschooled teens, is soooo very different. The older Chamille gets, the more I see the difference, even of what I remember of my own teen years, which really weren't bad. It's just that Chamille's got it better!
We watched a movie after Chamille and Cyle came home. It had a teen and her parents. Her parents were nice and the daughter kept blowing them off, in that typical, "leave me alone" fashion. Chamilles asks "why is she doing that, her parents are really nice?". Cyle and I both informed her that it was very typical, the parents were asking her to clean her room and do her homework, etc, they had an agenda and it wasn't a "let's get to know our wonderful human being daughter agenda". Cyle pointed out that at least they asked, he said his dad would never ask, he'd demand and expect it done. So there are nicer ways to make your child do things, but it's still an implied demand, with the assumption of control.
My own parents fell into the nicer camp of making their kids do things.




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carnationsgalore

> Rosie's friend posted on facebook that she was applying to
> colleges, and that she is hoping to get into one as far from home
> as possible.

There are also parents that want to push their newly graduated children out of the nest. Her dad and stepmom believe that a teen needs to live away from home and attend college, whether it's a dorm or an off-campus apartment. They believe she needs to experience the whole college experience in order to prepare for life, and that living at home would stifle her turning into an adult.

Claire (17) doesn't feel ready to live on her own. She doesn't want to move out. I'm happy that she feels so safe here, to have time to make her own decisions.

Beth M.

Bob Collier

--- In [email protected], Pam Sorooshian <pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
>
>
> On 10/3/2009 3:05 PM, Jenny C wrote:
> > And, just like that, she put everything into perspective for me!
> Sweet! I LOVE hearing stories like that - I've forgotten how old
> Chamille is, can you remind us?
>
> Roxana is home from college for a day or two - just to hang out with her
> family. Her college is about 30 minutes drive away. Rosie's friend
> posted on facebook that she was applying to colleges, and that she is
> hoping to get into one as far from home as possible. Interestingly, her
> parents are pretty nice - they seem to have a nice family life. I'm
> surprised to hear that she wants to "get away from them," which is how
> she put it.
>
> -pam
>


When I was at school in London, it was virtually a given that going to university meant leaving home and living in another part of the country far away from your family, whether you wanted that or not. That's how it seemed anyway. But it transpired that my daughter went to university here in Canberra and chose to stay at home rather than live in the residences. The university was only about 20 minutes drive away and she would drive off in the morning as if going to a job and come home in the evening for tea. Since she lit up the house every time she walked in through the front door, I count that as a great blessing.

And the juxtaposition of my daughter with books or laptop open working on her next assignment and her brother playing videogames or watching TV with neither seeming to think there was anything odd about that was rather fascinating too.

Bob