Saying yes more
Maria
So, I've been trying to say yes more with Seth, who's 3.5 years old. In fact, I'm pretty much saying some form of yes, most of the time. He wants to wear his clothes to bed. Yes. He doesn't want to wear clothes in the house. Yes. He wants to eat his food on the floor. Yes. He doesn't want to take a bath. Ok. He wants to eat at Burgerville (usually asked when we're driving somewhere). Yes.
I'm having a hard time handling the moments when I can't say yes, or don't feel like I can say yes, and feeling like I'm getting walked all over, and unreasonable demands are being made of me. He will yell things like, "I want X RIGHT NOW!" if I don't jump and get him what he wants right when he says he wants it.
After we got our TV (a few weeks ago) we pulled out our GameCube and found some games that we thought he might be able to do (they are arcade games like Pac-Man and Galaxian). It was great fun, at first, but now, it gets frustrating because he insists on playing a game he thinks is there that is not. On the menu sidebar, there is a rolling image of different game characters - mrs. pac man, dig dug, and star ships, etc. They look a little different, better graphics. He will insist on playing "that" space ship game, pointing to one of the ships. So I'll put on Galaxian, and he'll get upset. I've explained to him several times that those are only pictures and which games are available, and he continues to insist. The only solution I have managed to come up with is turning off the game, because it makes me so tense and angry that I start yelling. If I choose to leave, he will follow me to the bathroom/bedroom and try to prevent me from leaving, sometimes even resorting to pinching and scratching (he does this whenever he doesn't get what he wants).
I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me, pulls on my clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he wanted to be close to me, so I've told him, that if he needs to be close to me, to just tell me, and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll snuggle.
I'm pretty sure that there's dysfunction that's developed because when he was younger we were not consistent about our position (in other words, I'd say no to any kind of punishment, and then get frustrated or angry and then use punishment). The whole good mother/bad mother discussion has made me realize that maybe I'm more of a bad mother than I would like to admit, and that's why I don't confront other parents who are doing what at some point in time I've also done. So how do I undo all the crap that I did? And keep myself from doing any more damage? I know here I will get some honest answers and questions to think about (even though I'm afraid of what they might be).
Part of what makes this situation difficult is the fact that I am alone with Seth most of the time. My husband is only home for an hour between work and school, which until recently was 5 days a week, now it's three days a week plus Saturday mornings. His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can play with other kids and I can have some breathing space, but I think that is just running away from the problem (putting the blame on Seth as such), and I have strong reservations about any sort of day-care/preschool for him (although I think he would have fun, he loves playing with other kids). My husband finishes school at the end of July, and I'm trying to hang onto that hope as being the magic pill that will save us. It just seems so far away sometimes.
One happy thing, though, is that we discovered that Seth loves to play with Legos (we thought he might be too young) and my husband had a pirate ship that he had been saving for when Seth was ready and I built it for Seth last night (my brothers and sister loved Lego as children, I did not), and I discovered that I enjoyed it as well, so this weekend we're going to go to the Lego store so he can pick out something he'd like (maybe I'll get something for myself as well).
Well, Seth wants to watch a movie, so that's what we're going to do...
Maria
I'm having a hard time handling the moments when I can't say yes, or don't feel like I can say yes, and feeling like I'm getting walked all over, and unreasonable demands are being made of me. He will yell things like, "I want X RIGHT NOW!" if I don't jump and get him what he wants right when he says he wants it.
After we got our TV (a few weeks ago) we pulled out our GameCube and found some games that we thought he might be able to do (they are arcade games like Pac-Man and Galaxian). It was great fun, at first, but now, it gets frustrating because he insists on playing a game he thinks is there that is not. On the menu sidebar, there is a rolling image of different game characters - mrs. pac man, dig dug, and star ships, etc. They look a little different, better graphics. He will insist on playing "that" space ship game, pointing to one of the ships. So I'll put on Galaxian, and he'll get upset. I've explained to him several times that those are only pictures and which games are available, and he continues to insist. The only solution I have managed to come up with is turning off the game, because it makes me so tense and angry that I start yelling. If I choose to leave, he will follow me to the bathroom/bedroom and try to prevent me from leaving, sometimes even resorting to pinching and scratching (he does this whenever he doesn't get what he wants).
I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me, pulls on my clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he wanted to be close to me, so I've told him, that if he needs to be close to me, to just tell me, and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll snuggle.
I'm pretty sure that there's dysfunction that's developed because when he was younger we were not consistent about our position (in other words, I'd say no to any kind of punishment, and then get frustrated or angry and then use punishment). The whole good mother/bad mother discussion has made me realize that maybe I'm more of a bad mother than I would like to admit, and that's why I don't confront other parents who are doing what at some point in time I've also done. So how do I undo all the crap that I did? And keep myself from doing any more damage? I know here I will get some honest answers and questions to think about (even though I'm afraid of what they might be).
Part of what makes this situation difficult is the fact that I am alone with Seth most of the time. My husband is only home for an hour between work and school, which until recently was 5 days a week, now it's three days a week plus Saturday mornings. His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can play with other kids and I can have some breathing space, but I think that is just running away from the problem (putting the blame on Seth as such), and I have strong reservations about any sort of day-care/preschool for him (although I think he would have fun, he loves playing with other kids). My husband finishes school at the end of July, and I'm trying to hang onto that hope as being the magic pill that will save us. It just seems so far away sometimes.
One happy thing, though, is that we discovered that Seth loves to play with Legos (we thought he might be too young) and my husband had a pirate ship that he had been saving for when Seth was ready and I built it for Seth last night (my brothers and sister loved Lego as children, I did not), and I discovered that I enjoyed it as well, so this weekend we're going to go to the Lego store so he can pick out something he'd like (maybe I'll get something for myself as well).
Well, Seth wants to watch a movie, so that's what we're going to do...
Maria
Willow Robson
Your video game problem:
Is your son able to navigate the menus himself. Do he have the controller?
My son is nearly 3 and plays a lot of online games. There are millions of
pictures and some of them lead to games. His mousing is really good, so he
navigates himself. Letting your child improve his gaming skills himself
might help the frustration. My boy still gets upset if the internet
connection goes down or a game crashes, but has quickly learnt how to find
the Noggin games and how to avoid searching for classmates of '96.
The other great thing about playing on the internet is that my boy will sit
in my lap and we get a cuddle... then get distracted and end up tickling.
Is your son able to navigate the menus himself. Do he have the controller?
My son is nearly 3 and plays a lot of online games. There are millions of
pictures and some of them lead to games. His mousing is really good, so he
navigates himself. Letting your child improve his gaming skills himself
might help the frustration. My boy still gets upset if the internet
connection goes down or a game crashes, but has quickly learnt how to find
the Noggin games and how to avoid searching for classmates of '96.
The other great thing about playing on the internet is that my boy will sit
in my lap and we get a cuddle... then get distracted and end up tickling.
On Fri, May 15, 2009 at 9:32 PM, Maria <maria.veltman@...> wrote:
>
>
> So, I've been trying to say yes more with Seth, who's 3.5 years old. In
> fact, I'm pretty much saying some form of yes, most of the time. He wants to
> wear his clothes to bed. Yes. He doesn't want to wear clothes in the house.
> Yes. He wants to eat his food on the floor. Yes. He doesn't want to take a
> bath. Ok. He wants to eat at Burgerville (usually asked when we're driving
> somewhere). Yes.
>
> I'm having a hard time handling the moments when I can't say yes, or don't
> feel like I can say yes, and feeling like I'm getting walked all over, and
> unreasonable demands are being made of me. He will yell things like, "I want
> X RIGHT NOW!" if I don't jump and get him what he wants right when he says
> he wants it.
>
> After we got our TV (a few weeks ago) we pulled out our GameCube and found
> some games that we thought he might be able to do (they are arcade games
> like Pac-Man and Galaxian). It was great fun, at first, but now, it gets
> frustrating because he insists on playing a game he thinks is there that is
> not. On the menu sidebar, there is a rolling image of different game
> characters - mrs. pac man, dig dug, and star ships, etc. They look a little
> different, better graphics. He will insist on playing "that" space ship
> game, pointing to one of the ships. So I'll put on Galaxian, and he'll get
> upset. I've explained to him several times that those are only pictures and
> which games are available, and he continues to insist. The only solution I
> have managed to come up with is turning off the game, because it makes me so
> tense and angry that I start yelling. If I choose to leave, he will follow
> me to the bathroom/bedroom and try to prevent me from leaving, sometimes
> even resorting to pinching and scratching (he does this whenever he doesn't
> get what he wants).
>
> I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me, pulls on my
> clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he wanted to be
> close to me, so I've told him, that if he needs to be close to me, to just
> tell me, and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll snuggle.
>
> I'm pretty sure that there's dysfunction that's developed because when he
> was younger we were not consistent about our position (in other words, I'd
> say no to any kind of punishment, and then get frustrated or angry and then
> use punishment). The whole good mother/bad mother discussion has made me
> realize that maybe I'm more of a bad mother than I would like to admit, and
> that's why I don't confront other parents who are doing what at some point
> in time I've also done. So how do I undo all the crap that I did? And keep
> myself from doing any more damage? I know here I will get some honest
> answers and questions to think about (even though I'm afraid of what they
> might be).
>
> Part of what makes this situation difficult is the fact that I am alone
> with Seth most of the time. My husband is only home for an hour between work
> and school, which until recently was 5 days a week, now it's three days a
> week plus Saturday mornings. His answer is that we should put Seth in
> preschool so that he can play with other kids and I can have some breathing
> space, but I think that is just running away from the problem (putting the
> blame on Seth as such), and I have strong reservations about any sort of
> day-care/preschool for him (although I think he would have fun, he loves
> playing with other kids). My husband finishes school at the end of July, and
> I'm trying to hang onto that hope as being the magic pill that will save us.
> It just seems so far away sometimes.
>
> One happy thing, though, is that we discovered that Seth loves to play with
> Legos (we thought he might be too young) and my husband had a pirate ship
> that he had been saving for when Seth was ready and I built it for Seth last
> night (my brothers and sister loved Lego as children, I did not), and I
> discovered that I enjoyed it as well, so this weekend we're going to go to
> the Lego store so he can pick out something he'd like (maybe I'll get
> something for myself as well).
>
> Well, Seth wants to watch a movie, so that's what we're going to do...
>
> Maria
>
>
>
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[email protected]
In a message dated 5/16/2009 5:02:49 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
maria.veltman@... writes:
<<<I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me, pulls
on my clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he wanted to
be close to me, >>>
My youngest (now 4.5) has been like this for as long as I can remember. It
was much easier when he was smaller to have him swing on my arms and climb
me, but he's around 50 pounds, now, and I can't accommodate him much and
not for long any more. He takes gymnastics twice a week and I'm even looking
at 3 times a week. He asks for gymnastics every day. We have a dome-shaped
climber in the backyard and a trampoline. I wish we had a climbing tree
for him. We also have a couple things in the house he climbs-he's just a
climbing kind of guy the way my oldest is a drawing and video game kind of guy.
We try to make it to our favorite playgrounds (good climbing and
physical-challenge type equipment) as often as we can. Swimming seems to be another
thing that appeals to that desire his muscles, his body have.
Sometimes, when his desire for physicality is bigger than what I can
offer, we play what we call "escape". I sit and wrap my arms and legs around him
tight and chortle something about him never escaping or getting away in a
mock-evil voice and he struggles *hard* to get loose and wriggle out of my
grasp. I truly, honestly try my hardest to keep hold of him without
squeezing too hard or hurting him, and let me tell you, it is *tough*. He'll keep
asking for it until he's done and that seems to take care of that large-body
movement for a while. His brother (10) will do full-body "wrestling" with
him, too, which helps satisfy that need. I know both of mine have never had
any trouble finding another boy in a play place or playground who like
this big, whole-body type of play. Usually the only obstacle is assuring the
other kid's mom that my kids really *want* to play like this and their kid
isn't "accosting" mine.
<<< His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can play
with other kids and I can have some breathing space,>>>
Can you start or join a "preschool" (age) playgroup in your area? Are
there kids he can play with at the playground? I know in the town we live in,
there isn't much in the way of other kids on the playgrounds, but if we
travel 10-15 minutes to a neighboring village/town/suburb, there are plenty of
kids playing on the playgrounds. Depending on where you are, there are often
homeschool groups that have younger kids in them, either due to folks
deciding early that they will homeschool or younger siblings of older
homeschoolers. We have some homeschool groups in our area that have a variety of
different homeschooling styles and very open and friendly to everyone.
Peace,
De
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
maria.veltman@... writes:
<<<I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me, pulls
on my clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he wanted to
be close to me, >>>
My youngest (now 4.5) has been like this for as long as I can remember. It
was much easier when he was smaller to have him swing on my arms and climb
me, but he's around 50 pounds, now, and I can't accommodate him much and
not for long any more. He takes gymnastics twice a week and I'm even looking
at 3 times a week. He asks for gymnastics every day. We have a dome-shaped
climber in the backyard and a trampoline. I wish we had a climbing tree
for him. We also have a couple things in the house he climbs-he's just a
climbing kind of guy the way my oldest is a drawing and video game kind of guy.
We try to make it to our favorite playgrounds (good climbing and
physical-challenge type equipment) as often as we can. Swimming seems to be another
thing that appeals to that desire his muscles, his body have.
Sometimes, when his desire for physicality is bigger than what I can
offer, we play what we call "escape". I sit and wrap my arms and legs around him
tight and chortle something about him never escaping or getting away in a
mock-evil voice and he struggles *hard* to get loose and wriggle out of my
grasp. I truly, honestly try my hardest to keep hold of him without
squeezing too hard or hurting him, and let me tell you, it is *tough*. He'll keep
asking for it until he's done and that seems to take care of that large-body
movement for a while. His brother (10) will do full-body "wrestling" with
him, too, which helps satisfy that need. I know both of mine have never had
any trouble finding another boy in a play place or playground who like
this big, whole-body type of play. Usually the only obstacle is assuring the
other kid's mom that my kids really *want* to play like this and their kid
isn't "accosting" mine.
<<< His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can play
with other kids and I can have some breathing space,>>>
Can you start or join a "preschool" (age) playgroup in your area? Are
there kids he can play with at the playground? I know in the town we live in,
there isn't much in the way of other kids on the playgrounds, but if we
travel 10-15 minutes to a neighboring village/town/suburb, there are plenty of
kids playing on the playgrounds. Depending on where you are, there are often
homeschool groups that have younger kids in them, either due to folks
deciding early that they will homeschool or younger siblings of older
homeschoolers. We have some homeschool groups in our area that have a variety of
different homeschooling styles and very open and friendly to everyone.
Peace,
De
**************An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy
Steps!
(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222377005x1201454319/aol?redir=http://www.freecreditreport.com/pm/default.aspx?sc=668072&hmpgID=62&bcd=May
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[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I realized that this was because he wanted to be close to me, so
I've told him, that if he needs to be close to me, to just tell me,
and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll snuggle. -=-
Please don't make him speak English instead of indicating something
non-verbally. He might not know what he needs, and if you see a hint
that he needs you to be a gentle physically near mom, don't say "You
need to make a formal request to be touched."
-=-So how do I undo all the crap that I did? And keep myself from
doing any more damage?-=-
It will help to decide what you want. Wanting to be an unschooler
isn't enough. It seems there are people all over the place who did
what they thought unschoolers would do and it's not going well.
That's probably because they didn't know WHY they were doing what they
were doing. They wanted to replace old rules with new years.
Maybe read here:
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
If it were me I think I would talk with Seth and say you want things
to be better and you like saying yes, but if you're going to be okay
with him saying no sometimes, he needs to be okay with you saying no
sometimes too.
Maybe make a chart with tic mark of how many times you've said yes and
how many no, and share it with him. Perhaps it will keep him from
wanting to say "you always say no" or anything like that. That's not
a quote from the post, it's a generalization and extrapolation,
because I know some kids seem to feel that way when they hear no, that
they NEVER hear yes. And what made me think of this was in the
post: "sometimes even resorting to pinching and scratching (he does
this whenever he doesn't get what he wants)."
He either does it whenever he doesn't get what he wants, or he does it
sometimes. It can't be both. If the mom is accustomed to
generalizing and exaggerating, that might be expressed in words
sometimes. And if the mom says "You always do that," it won't help
the child to understand "sometimes" and "always."
-=-His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can
play with other kids and I can have some breathing space, but I think
that is just running away from the problem (putting the blame on Seth
as such)-=-
I understand your husband's position, but I don't understand what you
wrote about "putting the blame on Seth."
-=-My husband finishes school at the end of July, and I'm trying to
hang onto that hope as being the magic pill that will save us. It just
seems so far away sometimes. -=-
It's a long way off if you're going to feel every moment that
something magic needs to happen to save you. Just because he finishes
school doesn't mean he'll have a job right away.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
I've told him, that if he needs to be close to me, to just tell me,
and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll snuggle. -=-
Please don't make him speak English instead of indicating something
non-verbally. He might not know what he needs, and if you see a hint
that he needs you to be a gentle physically near mom, don't say "You
need to make a formal request to be touched."
-=-So how do I undo all the crap that I did? And keep myself from
doing any more damage?-=-
It will help to decide what you want. Wanting to be an unschooler
isn't enough. It seems there are people all over the place who did
what they thought unschoolers would do and it's not going well.
That's probably because they didn't know WHY they were doing what they
were doing. They wanted to replace old rules with new years.
Maybe read here:
http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
If it were me I think I would talk with Seth and say you want things
to be better and you like saying yes, but if you're going to be okay
with him saying no sometimes, he needs to be okay with you saying no
sometimes too.
Maybe make a chart with tic mark of how many times you've said yes and
how many no, and share it with him. Perhaps it will keep him from
wanting to say "you always say no" or anything like that. That's not
a quote from the post, it's a generalization and extrapolation,
because I know some kids seem to feel that way when they hear no, that
they NEVER hear yes. And what made me think of this was in the
post: "sometimes even resorting to pinching and scratching (he does
this whenever he doesn't get what he wants)."
He either does it whenever he doesn't get what he wants, or he does it
sometimes. It can't be both. If the mom is accustomed to
generalizing and exaggerating, that might be expressed in words
sometimes. And if the mom says "You always do that," it won't help
the child to understand "sometimes" and "always."
-=-His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can
play with other kids and I can have some breathing space, but I think
that is just running away from the problem (putting the blame on Seth
as such)-=-
I understand your husband's position, but I don't understand what you
wrote about "putting the blame on Seth."
-=-My husband finishes school at the end of July, and I'm trying to
hang onto that hope as being the magic pill that will save us. It just
seems so far away sometimes. -=-
It's a long way off if you're going to feel every moment that
something magic needs to happen to save you. Just because he finishes
school doesn't mean he'll have a job right away.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Lyla Wolfenstein
Depending on where you are, there are often
homeschool groups that have younger kids in them, either due to folks
deciding early that they will homeschool or younger siblings of older
homeschoolers. We have some homeschool groups in our area that have a variety of
different homeschooling styles and very open and friendly to everyone.
_________________________________________________
my LARGE for his age, now almost 11 year old still likes to play this way. i can, fortunately, accomodate him, as i am a martial artist and used to wrestling! however, he also really really enjoys having smaller, younger kids "kill" him - we have friends with 3-7 year olds who love to jump on him, hit him and basically attack him, climb all over him, including his head, etc. - and essentially do to him what he always loved to do to us. he LOVES it, and it's a total win win.
we will see you at Life is Good maria, but, unfortunately, my son won't be there with me....but maybe some day we can get them together for rough play. my point though, is maybe it's worth it/a better idea, to look for OLDER, bigger kids who like to play that fun, "big brother or sister" type role with littler kids, as opposed to same age peers who can get overwhelmed, scared, or injured (or their parents can!) by the intensity of rough play with a firecracker kid! :)
warmly, Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
homeschool groups that have younger kids in them, either due to folks
deciding early that they will homeschool or younger siblings of older
homeschoolers. We have some homeschool groups in our area that have a variety of
different homeschooling styles and very open and friendly to everyone.
_________________________________________________
my LARGE for his age, now almost 11 year old still likes to play this way. i can, fortunately, accomodate him, as i am a martial artist and used to wrestling! however, he also really really enjoys having smaller, younger kids "kill" him - we have friends with 3-7 year olds who love to jump on him, hit him and basically attack him, climb all over him, including his head, etc. - and essentially do to him what he always loved to do to us. he LOVES it, and it's a total win win.
we will see you at Life is Good maria, but, unfortunately, my son won't be there with me....but maybe some day we can get them together for rough play. my point though, is maybe it's worth it/a better idea, to look for OLDER, bigger kids who like to play that fun, "big brother or sister" type role with littler kids, as opposed to same age peers who can get overwhelmed, scared, or injured (or their parents can!) by the intensity of rough play with a firecracker kid! :)
warmly, Lyla
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Pam Sorooshian
On 5/16/2009 10:45 AM, Sandra Dodd wrote:
one of your wrists. Every time you say or indicate yes (or "sure" or
"okay" or "good idea"), put one of one color to the other wrist. If you
say no, put one of the other color to the other wrist.
-pam
> Maybe make a chart with tic mark of how many times you've said yes andMaybe put a bunch of rubber bands of two different colors loosely around
> how many no, and share it with him. Perhaps it will keep him from
> wanting to say "you always say no" or anything like that.
one of your wrists. Every time you say or indicate yes (or "sure" or
"okay" or "good idea"), put one of one color to the other wrist. If you
say no, put one of the other color to the other wrist.
-pam
[email protected]
>>>> I'm having a hard time handling the moments when I can't say yes,or don't feel like I can say yes, and feeling like I'm getting walked
all over, and unreasonable demands are being made of me. He will yell
things like, "I want X RIGHT NOW!" if I don't jump and get him what he
wants right when he says he wants it. <<<<
Some people have learned to take "no" to the extent that they don't
even ask for what they want anymore. That was me up until a few years
ago. My folks were big into the idea that it was good for kids to
learn "no" so they said it almost exclusively.
Everybody likes "yes" and when they want something they like an
immediate "yes" if they can get it. If they can't, of course there's a
bit of disappointment and for a child who relies on you, well... maybe
there's a distinction in your mind between wants and needs and this
might be causing you some added stress. If you could put that
distinction to rest and see wants/needs as only different in degree,
then that might go a long way to relieving you of that feeling that
your son wants "too much" (if that's what you're thinking).
Feeling walked all over can also be the result of not realizing how
wonderful "yes" is, especially from the person whose care a child is
in. They don't have a lot of skills, knowledge or access to answer
"yes" for themselves until much later. When I was a kid about 10 years
old (somewhere in that range) since my parents were so big on "no" I
learned never to ask them and I did some pretty danger stupid things
that were beyond my skills and knowledge to handle. I really could
have gotten killed a few times. I purposely did stuff far from them
because I didn't want to alert them to anything that might turn into
another "no" for me (we lived rurally on 5 acres in the woods).
That's not how I want Karl to explore. I want to help him wherever I
can in his explorations. If I can't say yes, I can plan for yes later.
When you first get a toy your child is enthusiastic about it, put new
ideas on a list and plan to get more to add to it if another interest
isn't more pressing by the time you have some money put by for it.
Some of the games for the old systems are on eBay and Amazon and also
Gamestop has a lot of Gamecube stuff, a line that I believe is being
discontinued anyway. Might find some good deals.
Also there are online emulators for many of the older popular games,
and that's where I went so that Karl could play more Mario whenever we
couldn't afford to buy him at the moment. Some sites are better than
others. You might want to join Unschooling Gamers
(http://games.groups.yahoo.com/group/unschooling_gamers/) and get some
other pointers and ideas to find access to older games on emulators and
websites, and maybe someone has other thoughts on this too. It's a
great place to ask your gaming questions. Oh and there are lots of
walkthrus and cheatsheets. The gamers at this group know some good
walkthru websites.
>>>> I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me,pulls on my clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he
wanted to be close to me, so I've told him, that if he needs to be
close to me, to just tell me, and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll
snuggle. <<<<
Karl and I have an old game we play which lets him get lots of
stimulation. (I believe there's actually a list of stimulation games
for the winter blahs somewhere that might come in handy for your needs
--Deb Lewis' list I think). Our old game: I lie down on the bed face
down and he rolls back and forth over me. It's a back massage for me
too. I have some spinal defects so once Karl got to about oh 40 some
pounds, I began redirecting all the rough and tumble. We got a mini
trampoline and it has been an absolute lifesaver! Thank all the people
who have mentioned mini tramps. Wonderful thing. Side hugs (he really
grips hard!) while we walk distracts him a bit so that he doesn't hug
as hard, and I'd say we walk at least once a day to check the mail
unless it raining a lot. We walked single file in a huge unmowed field
and got ticks so ... nevermind that until mowing takes place! Walking
and running and throwing balls and frisbees outside. We have a fabric
covered smallish beach ball and that's easier on me and Karl loves it
because it's slower going through the air and easier for him to catch,
and we also kick it back and forth.
>>>> One happy thing, though, is that we discovered that Seth loves toplay with Legos (we thought he might be too young) and my husband had a
pirate ship that he had been saving for when Seth was ready and I built
it for Seth last night (my brothers and sister loved Lego as children,
I did not), and I discovered that I enjoyed it as well, so this weekend
we're going to go to the Lego store so he can pick out something he'd
like (maybe I'll get something for myself as well). <<<<
Oh this sounds like me and Karl. I had no idea how great Legos are
until we got some and I LUV 'em. Karl is very happy to play Legos with
me unless he's busy doing something else. Legos aren't cheap though.
You're buying Legos (yay!).
I don't know if you don't know where to look or if you value Legos more
than video games but if that's the case, that's another thing you might
consider asking here about. How come you haven't bought more Gamecube
stuff? Do you have a Gamestop store? Maybe it's hard to find where you
live. I've seen a lot of old old Gamecube games in Gamestop stores.
~Katherine
Lyla Wolfenstein
>>>> I constantly feel pulled/pushed around by him (he climbs on me,pulls on my clothing, limbs, etc). I realized that this was because he
wanted to be close to me, so I've told him, that if he needs to be
close to me, to just tell me, and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll
snuggle. <<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
----------------------------------------------------
oh - i also wanted to say that it might not JUST be that he wants to be close to you and if the real need is rough play, sensory stimulation, or, even more subtle and emotionally based: the need to be accepted for who and what he is *in the moment* - then offering to snuggle will not meet those needs and will send the opposite message, perhaps, of that intended - the message that his needs must align with yours to be accepted....
warmly, Lyla
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Sandra Dodd
-=-Karl and I have an old game we play which lets him get lots of
stimulation. (I believe there's actually a list of stimulation games
for the winter blahs somewhere that might come in handy for your needs
--Deb Lewis' list I think). -=-
http://sandradodd.com/strew/deblist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
stimulation. (I believe there's actually a list of stimulation games
for the winter blahs somewhere that might come in handy for your needs
--Deb Lewis' list I think). -=-
http://sandradodd.com/strew/deblist
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maria
>Yes, I did develop what I called "monster kisses" when we've had company because that seems when he wants my attention the most. I hold him in my lap and "attack" him with kisses all over. He LOVES it. Sometimes he does it back. I should do it more, thanks for the reminder!
> oh - i also wanted to say that it might not JUST be that he wants to be close to you and if the real need is rough play, sensory stimulation, or, even more subtle and emotionally based: the need to be accepted for who and what he is *in the moment* - then offering to snuggle will not meet those needs and will send the opposite message, perhaps, of that intended - the message that his needs must align with yours to be accepted....
>
> warmly, Lyla
Maria
>Yes, we got the Legos today. I didn't know just how expensive they were, but I had set a "budget" of $50, and we spent $59, and got a TON of Lego! We also wondered around (Seth hasn't been to a mall since he was a baby) and we got ice cream cones. It was the most fun mall experience I've ever had!
> Oh this sounds like me and Karl. I had no idea how great Legos are
> until we got some and I LUV 'em. Karl is very happy to play Legos with
> me unless he's busy doing something else. Legos aren't cheap though.
> You're buying Legos (yay!).
>We haven't gotten more Gamecube games because only just started playing with them...we have about a dozen games, but some of them are a little more difficult (Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Wave Race/ATV, etc). But thanks for the resources, we'll definitely check them out. Seth has also learned how to work the mouse, so I'm going to find some computer games he can also play.
> I don't know if you don't know where to look or if you value Legos more
> than video games but if that's the case, that's another thing you might
> consider asking here about. How come you haven't bought more Gamecube
> stuff? Do you have a Gamestop store? Maybe it's hard to find where you
> live. I've seen a lot of old old Gamecube games in Gamestop stores.
>
> ~Katherine
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Get legos in garage sales and craigslist.com
YOu have to keep an eye on it as when people advertize they are gone fast.
Also you can get them at e-bay.
Usually by the pound. Much , much cheaper!
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
YOu have to keep an eye on it as when people advertize they are gone fast.
Also you can get them at e-bay.
Usually by the pound. Much , much cheaper!
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Robyn L. Coburn
>> I don't know if you don't know where to look or if you value Legos moreAh yes, and you can have the best of both. There are also Lego
>> than video games but if that's the case, that's another thing you might
>> consider asking here about>>>>
computer/Wii/nintendo games with the characters made out of lego people.
Jayn loves her Star Wars games.
If you can get to Good Vibrations in September
http://www.goodvibrationsconference.com/ , that is very close to Legoland.
http://www.legoland.com/california.htm
There is a lego magazine club that is free to join.
http://club1.lego.com/en-US/legomagazine/default.aspx Jayn loves having
magazines and catalogs (which she still calls magazines) come to her in the
mail about her favorite stuff.
Robyn L. Coburn
www.Iggyjingles.etsy.com
www.iggyjingles.blogspot.com
www.allthingsdoll.blogspot.com
BRIAN POLIKOWSKY
Oh Yes and there is alego building software that you can download from their site and it is free!
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Alex Polikowsky
http://polykow.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmn/
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Tammy Curry
Some computer games my son, 4 years old, has been playing for a while are Pirates of the Caribbean (there are free and paid versions), Fusion Fall (Cartoon Network, again free and paid versions), City of Villains/Heroes, Kung Fu Panda, Solitaire, Free Cell, Pokemon, Warblade, Gold Miner Joe, Jewel Quest, Requiem, anything on websites like Nick Jr, PBS Kids, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, hhmmm...I will have to look through and see what other games. He learned to play a number of them with us he does ask for help when he gets stuck or we play as many together as our team as possible. He has recently discovered games on his favorite DVD's and plays using the remote control for the DVD player. Peter Pan 2 the one where you have to save Tinker Bell is his current favorite and to be honest a couple of the tasks are not easy but he does better than I do, they are mostly puzzle games.
The games he likes run the gambit but MMORPG and puzzle games seem to be his favorites.
Tammy Curry, Director of Chaos
http://tammycurry.blogspot.com/
http://crazy-homeschool-adventures.blogspot.com/
"If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in."
Rachel Carson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
The games he likes run the gambit but MMORPG and puzzle games seem to be his favorites.
Tammy Curry, Director of Chaos
http://tammycurry.blogspot.com/
http://crazy-homeschool-adventures.blogspot.com/
"If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in."
Rachel Carson
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Ed Wendell
Zac went through a stage a year ago (he was 13 - I threw in his age so you'll see that for us, Lego's we bought for him when he was 3 are still being used 12 years later) - where he wanted just more plain bricks - not the sets at the store with the specialty pieces, as he had a ton of those, so we got pounds of bricks on eBay. Oh and a few years before that he wanted more specific specialty pieces so we got exactly the pieces he wanted on eBay.
Zac also loved Fisher Price Imaginext - he still has tubs of it in his closet - it also had building pieces - these are larger pieces like 3"x4" flat pieces - for example the castle had wall pieces so one could construct the castle as they wanted - over and over again. I also remember a pirate ship and a ton of other items. Don't know if Imaginext is still available in stores but I just checked eBay and it is there - possibly cheaper than new if you buy gently used. OK checking further on eBay it seems there are also some imaginext that are not in pieces to do your own constructing - so check carefully to make sure you are getting what you want.
Here is a link to a set on eBay so you can see a picture:
http://tiny.cc/Jbqhe
eBay was great for Magic the Gathering cards too - getting multi sets or only the specific card he wanted.
Well OK, eBay has been our go to spot for years to find exactly what we wanted.
Lisa W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Zac also loved Fisher Price Imaginext - he still has tubs of it in his closet - it also had building pieces - these are larger pieces like 3"x4" flat pieces - for example the castle had wall pieces so one could construct the castle as they wanted - over and over again. I also remember a pirate ship and a ton of other items. Don't know if Imaginext is still available in stores but I just checked eBay and it is there - possibly cheaper than new if you buy gently used. OK checking further on eBay it seems there are also some imaginext that are not in pieces to do your own constructing - so check carefully to make sure you are getting what you want.
Here is a link to a set on eBay so you can see a picture:
http://tiny.cc/Jbqhe
eBay was great for Magic the Gathering cards too - getting multi sets or only the specific card he wanted.
Well OK, eBay has been our go to spot for years to find exactly what we wanted.
Lisa W.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jenny C
> Some people have learned to take "no" to the extent that they don'tThis was in my head all day yesterday! Saying "yes" and being in the
> even ask for what they want anymore. That was me up until a few years
> ago. My folks were big into the idea that it was good for kids to
> learn "no" so they said it almost exclusively.
>
direction of life affirming. Chamille was with someone who's parents
auto default is "no", then the negotiations begin and if the answer is
still "no", the kid finds a way to circumvent it to get what he wants.
Over the years, I've changed my auto default to "yes", so that when I do
say "no", I have a pretty good reason for saying it and my kids really
do listen to me. They still might not like it, but they still listen
and take my advice.
Within yes and no, there are many ways to do what you want and get what
you want. You don't have to go all the way one way or the other.
Ward Family
I think "say yes more" was the best piece of advice I have had from an experienced home educator. She said she always tried to think of how she could say "yes" by fitting things into her day rather than taking "no" as the default option just because "yes" required some rethinking and reorganising.
Julie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Julie
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-I think "say yes more" was the best piece of advice I have had from
an experienced home educator. She said she always tried to think of
how she could say "yes" by fitting things into her day rather than
taking "no" as the default option just because "yes" required some
rethinking and reorganising. -=-
When Kirby was a baby, before we were unschooling (he wasn't old
enough for school) I had determined not to say no all the time, as my
mom seemed to have done. So I would think about what I wished my mom
had done for me, and I would do that for Kirby. I would think about
how good it would have felt if my mom had said "Sure" or even "Sure,
okay--I'll help you!" and I did that.
Partly that came from the inner child thoughts I learned from Adult
Children of Alcoholics. Partly it came from La Leche League and some
of the great leaders I had, who were unschooling, in the 1980's, and
who were advising on food and sleep, for infants, and NOT advising in
terms of schedules or withholding or forcing any nursing on a child,
nor of trying to "make" a child go to sleep, but to nurse him to sleep
gently and naturally.
I tried to pass those ideas on when I started helping unschoolers,
because the effects had been so great at my house and in those other
families I knew. It's harder when it's not started at infancy, but if
people move into it gradually and confidently, it seems to turn out
just as well.
Joyce Fetteroll has written the clearest things ever on that subject:
http://sandradodd.com/yes
(and Holly did the art)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
an experienced home educator. She said she always tried to think of
how she could say "yes" by fitting things into her day rather than
taking "no" as the default option just because "yes" required some
rethinking and reorganising. -=-
When Kirby was a baby, before we were unschooling (he wasn't old
enough for school) I had determined not to say no all the time, as my
mom seemed to have done. So I would think about what I wished my mom
had done for me, and I would do that for Kirby. I would think about
how good it would have felt if my mom had said "Sure" or even "Sure,
okay--I'll help you!" and I did that.
Partly that came from the inner child thoughts I learned from Adult
Children of Alcoholics. Partly it came from La Leche League and some
of the great leaders I had, who were unschooling, in the 1980's, and
who were advising on food and sleep, for infants, and NOT advising in
terms of schedules or withholding or forcing any nursing on a child,
nor of trying to "make" a child go to sleep, but to nurse him to sleep
gently and naturally.
I tried to pass those ideas on when I started helping unschoolers,
because the effects had been so great at my house and in those other
families I knew. It's harder when it's not started at infancy, but if
people move into it gradually and confidently, it seems to turn out
just as well.
Joyce Fetteroll has written the clearest things ever on that subject:
http://sandradodd.com/yes
(and Holly did the art)
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Maria
I've been thinking about everything everyone has said about this topic and learned this:
1. I expect Seth to be more mature than he's capable of being. That once he learns how to do something, he can take care of himself. At some point, the joy I had in helping through diaper changes, getting dressed, feeding, etc. was replaced with a resentment that doing all this was taking me away from things I wanted to do that were "more important." I've started making his care "we activities" so instead of telling him to go get dressed (and I hear in my voice the same tone/instruction my mother used, gasp) I say, "Let's go pick out some pants and a shirt to wear!" So, I'm "babying" him more and in just the last few days that I've done this, it's made an amazing difference.
2. I have "bodyspace" issues that I need to work on. I won't go into the details, except to say that as a child my own body and personal space was violated often. So when Seth wants to jump on me, I get very tense, and I don't like wrestling or playing swords with him. But small steps to recovery: I sit on a ball at the computer, and he likes to climb up behind me and we bounce on it. The different suggestions given to help him use up his energy have led me revisit the idea of gymnastics and martial arts classes, and make it a point to go to the park everyday.
3. I just want to dive in to unschooling, as if it's as simple as becoming a vegetarian, and I'm doing too much too soon. So, I'm dialing back attempting too much at a time. I had recently wanted to tackle bedtime, but I think it's too much for all of us right now, since we're still working with food and tv and turning "no" into "yes."
4. I realized that instead of presenting Seth with choices, I'm asking him what he wants as if he knows what he wants, and using that sort of question to tell him what I want. "Do you want to go to the post office with me?" If that's where we're going because we have to, why am I asking him? Instead I've been trying to give him two or three options when I can, and stating things that we're doing and trying to make them fun, when there are no options.
So, we've been a lot happier in the last few days. Thank you all for your input and sharing your resources.
~Maria
1. I expect Seth to be more mature than he's capable of being. That once he learns how to do something, he can take care of himself. At some point, the joy I had in helping through diaper changes, getting dressed, feeding, etc. was replaced with a resentment that doing all this was taking me away from things I wanted to do that were "more important." I've started making his care "we activities" so instead of telling him to go get dressed (and I hear in my voice the same tone/instruction my mother used, gasp) I say, "Let's go pick out some pants and a shirt to wear!" So, I'm "babying" him more and in just the last few days that I've done this, it's made an amazing difference.
2. I have "bodyspace" issues that I need to work on. I won't go into the details, except to say that as a child my own body and personal space was violated often. So when Seth wants to jump on me, I get very tense, and I don't like wrestling or playing swords with him. But small steps to recovery: I sit on a ball at the computer, and he likes to climb up behind me and we bounce on it. The different suggestions given to help him use up his energy have led me revisit the idea of gymnastics and martial arts classes, and make it a point to go to the park everyday.
3. I just want to dive in to unschooling, as if it's as simple as becoming a vegetarian, and I'm doing too much too soon. So, I'm dialing back attempting too much at a time. I had recently wanted to tackle bedtime, but I think it's too much for all of us right now, since we're still working with food and tv and turning "no" into "yes."
4. I realized that instead of presenting Seth with choices, I'm asking him what he wants as if he knows what he wants, and using that sort of question to tell him what I want. "Do you want to go to the post office with me?" If that's where we're going because we have to, why am I asking him? Instead I've been trying to give him two or three options when I can, and stating things that we're doing and trying to make them fun, when there are no options.
So, we've been a lot happier in the last few days. Thank you all for your input and sharing your resources.
~Maria
--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
>
> -=-I realized that this was because he wanted to be close to me, so
> I've told him, that if he needs to be close to me, to just tell me,
> and I'll hold him in my lap or we'll snuggle. -=-
>
> Please don't make him speak English instead of indicating something
> non-verbally. He might not know what he needs, and if you see a hint
> that he needs you to be a gentle physically near mom, don't say "You
> need to make a formal request to be touched."
>
> -=-So how do I undo all the crap that I did? And keep myself from
> doing any more damage?-=-
>
> It will help to decide what you want. Wanting to be an unschooler
> isn't enough. It seems there are people all over the place who did
> what they thought unschoolers would do and it's not going well.
> That's probably because they didn't know WHY they were doing what they
> were doing. They wanted to replace old rules with new years.
>
> Maybe read here:
> http://sandradodd.com/gradualchange
>
> If it were me I think I would talk with Seth and say you want things
> to be better and you like saying yes, but if you're going to be okay
> with him saying no sometimes, he needs to be okay with you saying no
> sometimes too.
>
> Maybe make a chart with tic mark of how many times you've said yes and
> how many no, and share it with him. Perhaps it will keep him from
> wanting to say "you always say no" or anything like that. That's not
> a quote from the post, it's a generalization and extrapolation,
> because I know some kids seem to feel that way when they hear no, that
> they NEVER hear yes. And what made me think of this was in the
> post: "sometimes even resorting to pinching and scratching (he does
> this whenever he doesn't get what he wants)."
>
> He either does it whenever he doesn't get what he wants, or he does it
> sometimes. It can't be both. If the mom is accustomed to
> generalizing and exaggerating, that might be expressed in words
> sometimes. And if the mom says "You always do that," it won't help
> the child to understand "sometimes" and "always."
>
> -=-His answer is that we should put Seth in preschool so that he can
> play with other kids and I can have some breathing space, but I think
> that is just running away from the problem (putting the blame on Seth
> as such)-=-
>
> I understand your husband's position, but I don't understand what you
> wrote about "putting the blame on Seth."
>
> -=-My husband finishes school at the end of July, and I'm trying to
> hang onto that hope as being the magic pill that will save us. It just
> seems so far away sometimes. -=-
>
> It's a long way off if you're going to feel every moment that
> something magic needs to happen to save you. Just because he finishes
> school doesn't mean he'll have a job right away.
>
> Sandra
>
>
>
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
Pam Sorooshian
On 5/18/2009 10:55 AM, Maria wrote:
haven't even read the rest, yet.
I've been doing the same thing with my 21 and 18 year olds - babying
them as much as possible. While I have the chance!!
-pam
> So, I'm "babying" him more and in just the last few days that I've done this, it's made an amazing difference.Maria - this brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. And I
>
haven't even read the rest, yet.
I've been doing the same thing with my 21 and 18 year olds - babying
them as much as possible. While I have the chance!!
-pam
space_and_freedom
--- In [email protected], "Robyn L. Coburn" <dezigna@...> wrote:
It can be played as a two player game, so you can help your son learn the game, and maybe cut down on his frustration a bit. Also, sometimes it is fun for my kids if I play a game while they watch.
We get most of our used gamecube games through e-bay, and we pick up our memory cards there, too.
Jen H. (DD8, DD6, DS3)
http://crazychicknlady.livejournal.com/
>I second the suggestion for Lego Star Wars games. My son is 3 years 4 months old, and he can very competently utilize the controllers and navigate the game for both the Wii Lego Star Wars and the Gamecube Lego Star Wars II. It is his favorite game and we have it for both systems so it is easier to always have the game available for him.
> >> I don't know if you don't know where to look or if you value
> >> Legos more than video games but if that's the case, that's
> >> another thing you might consider asking here about>>>>
>
> Ah yes, and you can have the best of both. There are also Lego
> computer/Wii/nintendo games with the characters made out of lego
> people. Jayn loves her Star Wars games.
It can be played as a two player game, so you can help your son learn the game, and maybe cut down on his frustration a bit. Also, sometimes it is fun for my kids if I play a game while they watch.
We get most of our used gamecube games through e-bay, and we pick up our memory cards there, too.
Jen H. (DD8, DD6, DS3)
http://crazychicknlady.livejournal.com/