carnationsgalore

My son Jeffrey (12) has always preferred very small groups for
interactions. He has one best friend that he sees once or twice a
month and while he would like to see that friend every day if
possible, he's content enough that he has no desire to broaden his
friendship circle.

He spends a great deal of his time in his room with his video games,
Lego sets, and computer. He did participate in TaeKwonDo a few years
ago and earned his Black Belt but it wasn't a passion. All of us
(parents and siblings) were involved so it was kind of a fun family
thing. Before that, he tried an Upwards (church related) basketball
team that he did okay on; but again, it wasn't a passion.

My DH is very supportive of unschooling, but he is worried about
Jeffrey's seemingly self-imposed isolation. He is wondering if there
is something we can do to get Jeffrey out and active. In fact, at
Jeffrey's last doctor visit, the pediatrician was concerned with
Jeffrey's skin color as it's super pale. He does have a sickly
appearance. He just really dislikes going outside and doesn't get
any sun at all. The doctor ordered blood tests worried about
possible medical conditions but Jeffrey is in fine health.

I believe in letting Jeffrey be Jeffrey. We show him things to do
but he has consistently turned down anything having to do with being
outside the house, except for the quick trips to Game Stop or
Target/Walmart. I just can't imagine insisting he get involved in
activities he specifically says no to joining.

Am I supporting Jeffrey's desires or am I hindering his social
growth? I am tired of hearing the old 'he'll never learn to be with
people or do things he doesn't want to do if you don't insist upon
it' speech. A small part of the worries come from my DH. The rest
is outside family and coworkers.

Beth M.

H Sand

I can tell you as a very introverted child I was pushed by my parents
whom I guess wanted a more outgoing/popular child into interactions I
didn't want to have. I was completely happy in my own little world
with 1 or 2 friends to share it with. To push me only made me retreat
further into myself and feel there was something wrong with me because
I was shy or feel badly that I wasn't "popular" with many friends. God
made us all the way we were supposed to be for a reason. Your son will
probably touch someones life in a big way because he is who he is.
Tell your hubby to relax and let him like you said be himself.

Heather

On Sun, Oct 12, 2008 at 6:37 AM, carnationsgalore
<addled.homemaker@...> wrote:
> My son Jeffrey (12) has always preferred very small groups for
> interactions. He has one best friend that he sees once or twice a
> month and while he would like to see that friend every day if
> possible, he's content enough that he has no desire to broaden his
> friendship circle.
>
> He spends a great deal of his time in his room with his video games,
> Lego sets, and computer. He did participate in TaeKwonDo a few years
> ago and earned his Black Belt but it wasn't a passion. All of us
> (parents and siblings) were involved so it was kind of a fun family
> thing. Before that, he tried an Upwards (church related) basketball
> team that he did okay on; but again, it wasn't a passion.
>
> My DH is very supportive of unschooling, but he is worried about
> Jeffrey's seemingly self-imposed isolation. He is wondering if there
> is something we can do to get Jeffrey out and active. In fact, at
> Jeffrey's last doctor visit, the pediatrician was concerned with
> Jeffrey's skin color as it's super pale. He does have a sickly
> appearance. He just really dislikes going outside and doesn't get
> any sun at all. The doctor ordered blood tests worried about
> possible medical conditions but Jeffrey is in fine health.
>
> I believe in letting Jeffrey be Jeffrey. We show him things to do
> but he has consistently turned down anything having to do with being
> outside the house, except for the quick trips to Game Stop or
> Target/Walmart. I just can't imagine insisting he get involved in
> activities he specifically says no to joining.
>
> Am I supporting Jeffrey's desires or am I hindering his social
> growth? I am tired of hearing the old 'he'll never learn to be with
> people or do things he doesn't want to do if you don't insist upon
> it' speech. A small part of the worries come from my DH. The rest
> is outside family and coworkers.
>
> Beth M.
>
>

Sandra Dodd

-=-We show him things to do
but he has consistently turned down anything having to do with being
outside the house, except for the quick trips to Game Stop or
Target/Walmart. I just can't imagine insisting he get involved in
activities he specifically says no to joining. -=-



Do things with him yourselves. You don't need to invite another
child, though you could sometimes. The more you do as a family the
more shared experiences you have and the more you'll be directly
involved in his learning. Go out to eat. Not just dinner; breakfast
and lunch are cheaper and less crowded. Interesting places with
something to see. Go to a concert or a museum or a movie every week
or so. Go out of town if you have to. Stay in motels with wireless
so he can still play games. Being out of the house and being in new
situations shouldn't need to involve "activities" organized for kids,
nor other kids even.

-=-Am I supporting Jeffrey's desires or am I hindering his social
growth-=-

Maybe some of both, but those aren't the only two things. He'll only
be 12 until he's 13. It might be harder to do things as a family if
you wait.

Getting out (out of town, out of state, out of the country maybe)
will not only give him access to ideas and things and places he might
not find at home, but it will give you impressive, concrete things to
tell your family and coworkers.

Consider gaming conventions, computer fairs,

-=-He is wondering if there is something we can do to get Jeffrey out
and active.-=-

If you equate "0ut" with "active" and he's not a kinesthetic,
athletic kid, he might avoid out even more. If you can combine out
with things he's already interested in, you'll have a better chance
of changing things some.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Lyla Wolfenstein

>>>>>>>My son Jeffrey (12) has always preferred very small groups for
interactions. He has one best friend that he sees once or twice a
month and while he would like to see that friend every day if
possible, he's content enough that he has no desire to broaden his
friendship circle.

He spends a great deal of his time in his room with his video games,
Lego sets, and computer. He did participate in TaeKwonDo a few years
ago and earned his Black Belt but it wasn't a passion. All of us
(parents and siblings) were involved so it was kind of a fun family
thing.
.
>>>>>>>

has he always been unschooled?

because, if not, your description below could be, nearly to a T, about my son - including the one friend with no interest in cultivating other friendships, the tae kwon do as a family event (but he quit and my daughter and i continued), and the period of time spent only going to game stop, etc.

my son (10) was in school, though, until January of this year. so that really extreme isolation was a product of deschooling, for the most part. however, the temperament traits have been there from day 1 - he has always needed lots of time alone, never been interested in, or able to manage groups of kids smoothly, etc. however - the mistake we made, i now am convinced, is to push too much, to encourage and cajole him to "get out, get active, etc."

it resulted in a tremendous amount of stress and strain, lots of events that were NOT fun, because he didn't want to be there in the first place, and a backlash that was more severe and more long lasting, once we came to our senses and gave him the room to do or not do whatever he felt comfortable with.

so, fast forward 10 months, we can now do things together as a family that involve going places, and he will hop on his bike with me for short errands and destinations, (like game crazy!)

he enjoys short visits with friends, even small groups, especially if its something i have arranged around his interests (like we went to a goat farm and he resisted going, but because i have not even *requested* that he do *anything* he doesn't want to for months, he was willing to go "for a few minutes" with the agreement that we would leave if he wanted to, whenever he wanted - and within seconds he was having and amazing time - he milked the goats and even drank goat milk - which was amazing for him, as he is very selective about food choices).

it is also apparent that he really enjoys the company of adults more than the company of most kids - so when we are available for focused attention and interaction, he is much more calm and contented - and willing to do stuff/go places.

i have also started hosting activities in our home - invited a few other familes for things like duct tape inventions, sugar skull decoration, and coming up in december candy house creation. its a way to meet *my* need for socialization, get some energy going in the house, and possibly a fun activity my son will participate in (but even if he doesn't, he ends up hanging with friends, gaming, or whatever and it brings a different energy into the house, just for a short time.)

but all that said, he still really prefers lots of time with just our family. and i am sure what he needs more than anything is to be appreciated and valued for who he is. when he really feels that unconditional positive regard, he becomes more open to trying new things, venturing out in small steps. but group activities designed for kids have never appealed. its just not who he is. an introverted person is an introverted person - they are drained by interactions and recharged by alone time. there is no changing that, just recognizing it and working with it.

warmly, Lyla

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

> Am I supporting Jeffrey's desires or am I hindering his social
> growth? I am tired of hearing the old 'he'll never learn to be with
> people or do things he doesn't want to do if you don't insist upon
> it' speech. A small part of the worries come from my DH. The rest
> is outside family and coworkers.


You mentioned a church related activity, so I'm assuming you are
involved in church related activities. One thing I've noticed about
church related activities is there is a large pressure on kids to become
friends with each other to have "positive" and "healthy" children as
friends.

I don't know if this relates to you guys or not, but I've seen this
happen to kids we know. One church going event a week can seem huge for
a kid that doesn't like to get out of the house to socialize.
Especially if he doesn't connect with any or most of the kids. If
church going is a must and he must socialize while there, it could be
filling up his social meter.

Kim

> Do things with him yourselves.
Being out of the house and being in new
> situations shouldn't need to involve "activities" organized for
kids,
> nor other kids even.
> Getting out (out of town, out of state, out of the country maybe)
> will not only give him access to ideas and things and places he
might
> not find at home, but it will give you impressive, concrete things
to
> tell your family and coworkers.
>
> Consider gaming conventions, computer fairs,

Sandra,
I just had to tell you how much I enjoy your advice. I learn so much
from reading posts like this ... even when they don't directly relate
to what's going on in our lives at the moment. They just gives me
something to think about.
Thanks!
Kim

Sandra Dodd

-=-Sandra,
I just had to tell you how much I enjoy your advice. I learn so much
from reading posts like this ... even when they don't directly relate
to what's going on in our lives at the moment. They just gives me
something to think about.
Thanks!
Kim--=-



Thank you. I think if people freely share their ideas and that gets
passed on from person to person, the world is better right behind us
and around us. So pass it on!



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Pamela Sorooshian

> He has one best friend that he sees once or twice a
> month and while he would like to see that friend every day if
> possible,

So - why on earth is he only getting to see him once or twice a month?
That doesn't seem very supportive of his interests.

-pam

Jenny C

> > He has one best friend that he sees once or twice a
> > month and while he would like to see that friend every day if
> > possible,
>
> So - why on earth is he only getting to see him once or twice a month?
> That doesn't seem very supportive of his interests.
>


Chamille has a friend that she would absolutely love to see more often,
but the mom of that child packs her child's schedule so full, there is
little time left over for seeing friends. So, while both kids would
choose to spend time together more often than not, one parent is not
letting that happen.

We've experienced that on more than one occasion with more than one
friend. Just sayin.....

Pamela Sorooshian

On Oct 13, 2008, at 11:33 AM, Jenny C wrote:

> mom of that child packs her child's schedule so full, there is
> little time left over for seeing friends. So, while both kids would
> choose to spend time together more often than not, one parent is not
> letting that happen.

When my kids were younger they sometimes chose to get involved in an
activity in order to spend time with a friend - more than for the sake
of the activity. Maybe that would be an option for yours.

-pam

carnationsgalore

> So - why on earth is he only getting to see him once or twice a
> month?
> That doesn't seem very supportive of his interests.

They are school-at-homers using a structured curriculum with a
teacher service. They also take extra academic classes through
another place that requires a lot of work. And that's just the
child's schedule. The parents are very busy with work and school.

As I read through the responses, I feel that everything is okay.
Jeffrey does go out nearly every day as he likes to do regular life
daily things with me or his dad. The "getting out" concern was
really centered on the idea of kids' activities. Jeffrey doesn't
like joining groups. After my DH and I talked some more, I realized
it was the fear that we have no external measure of his learning that
had my DH worried. He didn't even realize that old tape was playing
in his mind!

Jeffrey is way excited about today. Saints Row 2 is being released
this morning. :)

Beth M.