melissa_hice

What do you all do when you have an enormous amount of stress in your
life and you know it is affecting your children? How do you get to
that place where you can let go of that stress?

I had a wreck last week (I had had one two years ago that totaled my
car and left me with a permanent shoulder injury and limited use of
that shoulder and we just finally settled with the insurance company).
Also, the day after the wreck, I found out from my Aunt that my Grandma
is about to die. I am very close to my Grandma. She will be 102 in
June, and has had her mind completely functioning all this time. Her
body just can't keep up anymore. She has not eaten in four days and is
now losing her mind.

It seems like the children need me more than usual lately. I'm not
sure if this is just my perception since I am so stressed, or if they
are sensing my stress and really do need me more. I am having a hard
time meeting their needs because of this stress.

Melissa

Pamela Sorooshian

On May 20, 2008, at 9:01 PM, melissa_hice wrote:

> It seems like the children need me more than usual lately. I'm not
> sure if this is just my perception since I am so stressed, or if they
> are sensing my stress and really do need me more. I am having a hard
> time meeting their needs because of this stress.

There are times in life that you won't feel like you can take care of
others around you as well as you'd like. You need nurturing yourself
and other people's neediness starts to be draining on you.

I've felt that, too.

But, I've also found that if I focus more on "seeing" my kids with
loving eyes - focus, consciously choose to pay attention to what I
love about them, then I actually begin to feel more nourished and
strengthened by them, and by the very acts of caring for them.

Partly what is so draining is that your mind is on other things while
your kids want your attentiveness on them. So you feel pulled and that
is stressful. If you can, try to stop thinking about the other stuff
and focus on the little details of what you're doing at the moment. If
your child wants pasta at midnight (just happened here), then you go
put the water in the pot and put it on the stove. While you're doing
that, concentrate on feeling the coldness of the water, the heaviness
of the pot as it fills with water. Hear the sound of the water running.

It is late and I'm not being as articulate as I'd like - but what I'm
saying is to practice being totally "in the moment" by noticing every
sensation - sound, touch, smell, etc. Especially do this in regard to
your children - touch them, smell them, listen to the sound of their
voices, and so on.

Even if you only manage to get into this heightened state of mind for
a minute or two at a time, do it as often as you think of it
throughout your day. Each minute will be refreshing - it is a form of
meditation that you can do while you're going about your daily
activities.

-pam

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

michmdmama

--- In [email protected], "melissa_hice" <mhice@...> wrote:

> It seems like the children need me more than usual lately. I'm not
> sure if this is just my perception since I am so stressed, or if they
> are sensing my stress and really do need me more. I am having a hard
> time meeting their needs because of this stress.

They want to make mommy feel better.

I just read a couple Daily Grooves today (I am way behind) that might
help.
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/screaming
http://www.enjoyparenting.com/daily-groove/canary

~~~~~
Amanda

melissa_hice

--- In AlwaysLearni On May 20, 2008, at 9:01 PM, melissa_hice wrote:
Thanks, Pam. I guess I'm so "into" my stress right now, I couldn't
see anything else.

Melissa
>
I've also found that if I focus more on "seeing" my kids with
> loving eyes - focus, consciously choose to pay attention to what I
> love about them, then I actually begin to feel more nourished and
> strengthened by them, and by the very acts of caring for them.
>
> Partly what is so draining is that your mind is on other things
while
> your kids want your attentiveness on them. So you feel pulled and
that
> is stressful. If you can, try to stop thinking about the other
stuff
> and focus on the little details of what you're doing at the moment.
If
> your child wants pasta at midnight (just happened here), then you
go
> put the water in the pot and put it on the stove. While you're
doing
> that, concentrate on feeling the coldness of the water, the
heaviness
> of the pot as it fills with water. Hear the sound of the water
running.
>
> It is late and I'm not being as articulate as I'd like - but what
I'm
> saying is to practice being totally "in the moment" by noticing
every
> sensation - sound, touch, smell, etc. Especially do this in regard
to
> your children - touch them, smell them, listen to the sound of
their
> voices, and so on.
>
> Even if you only manage to get into this heightened state of mind
for
> a minute or two at a time, do it as often as you think of it
> throughout your day. Each minute will be refreshing - it is a form
of
> meditation that you can do while you're going about your daily
> activities.
>
> -pam
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>

mary

--- In [email protected], Pamela Sorooshian
<pamsoroosh@...> wrote:
>
>
> It is late and I'm not being as articulate as I'd like - but what I'm
> saying is to practice being totally "in the moment" by noticing every
> sensation - sound, touch, smell, etc. Especially do this in regard to
> your children - touch them, smell them, listen to the sound of their
> voices, and so on.
>
> Even if you only manage to get into this heightened state of mind for
> a minute or two at a time, do it as often as you think of it
> throughout your day. Each minute will be refreshing - it is a form of
> meditation that you can do while you're going about your daily
> activities.


It may have been late but, it is very articulate. And a wonderful
reminder/bit of advice, thank you for that, Pam.

This group in its members and as a whole is helping to bring the
wonder back into our family and our lives.

mary

Sandra Dodd

-=-What do you all do when you have an enormous amount of stress in your
life and you know it is affecting your children? How do you get to
that place where you can let go of that stress?-=-



Me personally, I go to a counsellor who does short-term cognitive
therapy (not long drawn-out psychoanalysis) and she helps me figure
out what to do. I first went to her when I was having a hard time
with frustrations from having had a cesarean with Kirby, so I've been
going to her occasionally for 21 years. Sometimes I've gone a single
time, for advice or to rant because I had things I needed to process
emotionally and mentally that I didn't want to burden my family with,
or didn't want to discuss with my friends (sometimes because it was
about my friends). Sometimes I've gone weekly for a month or two
when I was feeling depressed or overwhelmed.

Another thing I've done is when I was frazzled I'd ask friends to
take my kids to do something. Some all-day thing, or an
overnighter. And I would use that time to breathe and think and plan
how to fit everything in.

-=-It seems like the children need me more than usual lately. I'm not
sure if this is just my perception since I am so stressed, or if they
are sensing my stress and really do need me more. -=-

Maybe the accident and the thought that you could've been seriously
injured (again) or killed stressed them all by itself! Maybe their
stress isn't about your stress.

My first-pass recommendation is breathing and ice cream.

http://sandradodd.com/breathing

If you have any experience with or tools from meditation, prayer,
yoga, martial arts that you can use to center/calm/fortify your
biochemistry, do that. Not once a day, but every few hours, for just
a moment.

You might tell your kids how you feel and ask for their help. They
might have good ideas, no matter how little they are. And when they
get older, you can tell the one who can drive "Take the other kids to
the park or somewhere, please." And when your youngest has a full
license (as Holly has had since last week) your life will be so easy
you'll start missing having little kids.



Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Jenny C

>
> What do you all do when you have an enormous amount of stress in your
> life and you know it is affecting your children? How do you get to
> that place where you can let go of that stress?
>

Acknowledging that you have stress and, then not focussing on it
helps. When I've been sick, or things get crazy in life, I think one
of the best things we can do for our kids, is to show them positive
ways of healing and dealing.

It's hard when you are right in the middle of it, but if you know how
to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, you can get out faster.

That's my experience anyway. I did a drawing and my husband framed it,
of the light at the end of the tunnel. When I'm feeling that
overwhelmed in the thick of it, I can go and look at the light at the
end of the tunnel and know that I won't be there forever in the dark.

missalexmissalex

Thich Nhat Hanh has this book I love called Present Moment Wonderful
Moment. You didn't specifically say that you were angry at times, but
I am passing on this gatha (like a mantra) from that book because I
thought it might help.

Breathing in, I know my anger makes me ugly.
Breathing out, I do not want to be contorted by anger.
Breathing in, I know I must take care of myself.
Breathing out, I know loving kindness is the only answer.

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it's been a big help to
me. That and the serenity prayer. "I'm having some serenity prayer
feelings about that," is actually something I find myself saying a
lot to my husband these days! As in, that sucks, but I am trying to
accept that it is something I cannot change.

I am the only local support person for my mom and grandpa, who are
both dealing with multiple severe medical problems, not expected to
live very long, and completely exasperating too, to be honest. I
can't answer the part of your question about it affecting your kids
so much since I only have a baby, but it certainly is a lot of work
getting my body relaxed enough to soothe her when I feel a lot of
stress. I just keep breathing, muttering peaceful things to myself ;)
and taking long hot showers in which I think about how cool it is
that that water flows all over the world. Gosh, writing that "out
loud" makes me feel like a big fruitcake, but it's true and it makes
me feel a lot better.

Best wishes-

Alex

swissarmy_wife

OT but this this reminds me...

When I'm in the shower, sometimes I can't help but think about the
things I am thankful for. Somehow, hot water is always up fairly high
on the list. :-) Seriously... could you imagine not having hot
water?!?!!? I personally love it.

Your not a fruitcake! <G>

-Heather

--- In [email protected], "missalexmissalex"
<missalexmissalex@...> wrote:

>taking long hot showers in which I think about how cool it is
> that that water flows all over the world. Gosh, writing that "out
> loud" makes me feel like a big fruitcake, but it's true and it makes
> me feel a lot better.

Bob Collier

--- In [email protected], "melissa_hice" <mhice@...> wrote:
>
> What do you all do when you have an enormous amount of stress in your
> life and you know it is affecting your children? How do you get to
> that place where you can let go of that stress?
>
> I had a wreck last week (I had had one two years ago that totaled my
> car and left me with a permanent shoulder injury and limited use of
> that shoulder and we just finally settled with the insurance company).
> Also, the day after the wreck, I found out from my Aunt that my Grandma
> is about to die. I am very close to my Grandma. She will be 102 in
> June, and has had her mind completely functioning all this time. Her
> body just can't keep up anymore. She has not eaten in four days and is
> now losing her mind.
>
> It seems like the children need me more than usual lately. I'm not
> sure if this is just my perception since I am so stressed, or if they
> are sensing my stress and really do need me more. I am having a hard
> time meeting their needs because of this stress.
>
> Melissa
>



Hi, Melissa

I have a self-hypnosis program on my iPod called Melt Stress, by a guy
called Adam Eason. He's a hypnotherapist in the UK. Something like
that might help. Who's the 'best hypnotherapist' for each individual,
though, is very much a personal thing (voice, style, etc), but might
be something for you to Google and explore.

Somebody showed me this technique a few years ago for dealing with
stress in the moment and I have found - when I've remembered to do it!
- that it really does work to restore calmness:

Place both hands, one on top of the other, on your heart and, moving
them clockwise in a slow circular rubbing motion, breathe in and
count to seven and breathe out and count to eleven. Breathing in,
count to 7 ... breathing out, count to 11 ... When that's become
established, think or say to yourself "Relax ... soften and flow"
(that's the 'mantra' I was given, don't know if it absolutely has to
be those exact words!); say or think that repeatedly until you're calm.

Hope that helps!

Bob

Clarissa Fetrow

I do this too. Also, at the very end of the shower, when I'm completely
done, but before I turn the water off, I just stand there (sometimes I turn
the water warmer) and let it all go: all the roles I play, all the things on
my to do list, all the things I am trying to figure out. As some new idea
comes to me, I let it go. And I just breathe. I can spend a lot of mental
energy trying to solve situations in my head, but at the end of the shower
is a great time to let it go, and do what I can to step out of that shower
cleaned inside my head too.

On Wed, May 21, 2008 at 4:14 PM, swissarmy_wife <heatherbean@...>
wrote:

> OT but this this reminds me...
>
> When I'm in the shower, sometimes I can't help but think about the
> things I am thankful for. Somehow, hot water is always up fairly high
> on the list. :-) Seriously... could you imagine not having hot
> water?!?!!? I personally love it.
>
> Your not a fruitcake! <G>
>
> -Heather
>


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Anne Mills

Hello Everyone,

You have been a good inspiration and kind supply of good thoughs for me
for a while, my name is Anne Mills, French whom lived in america a bit,
my children are William 4 and Julia 1.
January of this year was when I first heard the terme unschooling.
I have read avidly most of Sandra Dodd's web pages between january and now and
became a total groopie !


Really happy to join

kind regards,

Anne
_________________________________________________________________
Caroline vient de mettre à jour son profil Messenger ! Connectez-vous !
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Tanya Ziegler

>"melissa_hice" <mhice@...> wrote:
> What do you all do when you have an enormous amount of stress in
> your life and you know it is affecting your children? How do you
> get to that place where you can let go of that stress?

I would say, stop and smell your children. You know, like 'stop and
smell the roses'. Seriously.

I would be surprised if your children weren't feeling your stress.
Even infants feel and respond to their mother's stress. I know my son
has since he was an infant. When I am feeling overly stressed and my
son begins to show signs of stress too (he's only 2, so that means
quicker to cry), I stop everything in that moment, kneel down to his
level, and embrace him in a good hug. It's amazing how good it feels
to feel those little arms wrapped around my neck and those little
hands holding tight; sometimes he even pats my shoulder. Both of us
immediately feel a little dissolution of our stress together, and we
are better able to move forward with our day. The source of the
stress hasn't been removed, but I feel better equipped to cope and
deal for the time being, and my son seems reassured that everything's
okay.

So, literally, stop and smell your children, and embrace them in a
hug. I don't know how old or young your children are, but I would
also suggest talking to them and letting them know too that everything
will be okay. They need to know that, especially because they do feel
your stress. I remember being as young as 5 or 6 and becoming very
anxious and worried any time my mom was hurt or upset. I remember
thinking, "you're my mom, I need you, please be okay". That's all I
needed to hear from her.

HTH,
Tanya

Sandra Dodd

-=-So, literally, stop and smell your children, and embrace them in a
hug.-=-

Just this week, cooking and sewing for, and helping Keith pack for, a
big five-day medieval camping thing he's going to and I'm not (Marty
will join him there a day late), I got frazzled and frustrated.
Keith said something a little mean to me, and I understood why--he
was stressed too. And I had forgotten to do one thing, but could
still send it up with Marty, and, and...

Marty was sitting at his computer, in the time before he needed to
leave for work. I went up and held his head gently from behind and
smelled his hair. He might have felt it as a gesture of soothing
affection, but it was a self-therapeutic move on my part. Smelling
his hair gave me the mom-emotions that helped me be grateful for the
whole thing instead of feeling put-upon and pressured.

Prior to that, when Marty came in the house after Keith (outside
packing the truck) had been impolite, Marty said "He still loves you"
and smiled really big. And when Keith came in he apologized, in
front of everybody, very matter-of-factly, and I said I totally
understood.



We watched a movie called Georgia Rule the other day. Adult-subject-
matter warning. But it's about a mom/daughter/granddaughter set, and
when the mom (played by Felicity Huffman) is talking to the
grandmother (by Jane Fonda) about never having been told she was
loved, and not having been hugged, her mom says her parents never
hugged her, that her dad never lifted his hand toward her except to
hit her.

Those families are all around us, families where the dads shake hands
instead of hugging (not that shaking hands can't be warm and
expressive--it can be), and moms spend their energy and thought being
critical instead of touching gently and smelling.

There's something biochemical when a healthy mom smells her child.
It has to do with the basic mothering instincts of holding and
feeding and protecting. Our culture isn't healthy, though, and many
babies smell more like lotions and powders than themselves, and too
many moms smell like perfume and deoderant and hair stuff, and it
must, it DOES affect bonding from the get go. At the same time,
people and books and magazines and tv ads are saying to put the baby
down, give the baby a bottle, let the baby cry.

It's no small thing to say no to all of that and to hold a baby and
smell him. If you're careful and you're lucky, it can still work
when the baby is nineteen and you-the-mom need a biochemical boost.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Anne Mills

hot water yes and cool water too !!
as in swimming, very good for your mind, possibly daily...
Can you afford going to a place near a warmer ocean and just swimm for a couple of days
or more probably join a gym with outdoor pool.

Anne





________________________________
> To: [email protected]
> From: clarissafetrow@...
> Date: Wed, 21 May 2008 23:47:11 -0700
> Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: stressful life
>
>
> I do this too. Also, at the very end of the shower, when I'm completely
> done, but before I turn the water off, I just stand there (sometimes I turn
> the water warmer) and let it all go: all the roles I play, all the things on
> my to do list, all the things I am trying to figure out. As some new idea
> comes to me, I let it go. And I just breathe. I can spend a lot of mental
> energy trying to solve situations in my head, but at the end of the shower
> is a great time to let it go, and do what I can to step out of that shower
> cleaned inside my head too.
>
> On Wed, May 21, 2008 at 4:14 PM, swissarmy_wife
_________________________________________________________________
Retouchez, classez et partagez vos photos gratuitement avec le logiciel Galerie de Photos !
http://www.windowslive.fr/galerie/

Sandra Dodd

-=-hot water yes and cool water too !!
as in swimming, very good for your mind, possibly daily...
Can you afford going to a place near a warmer ocean and just swim for
a couple of days
or more probably join a gym with outdoor pool.-=-

In the winter, sitting by the fireplace and feeding the fire can help.

Do you live where you can go camping and build a fire and sit, just
sit, maybe?

Fire and water are both comforting, and can be hypnotic and
relaxing. It's part of why church works, y'know. Religious
ceremonies have some things in common, or at least three or four of
the set: Fire, water, chanting (and especially "mmmmm" words like
"om" or "ammmmen"), banners/flags/streamers/cloth, and a pointy-
topped space (ideally, and I think it's for acoustical/vibrational
purposes). Even in little old churches, there's often a high part of
the ceiling. Even in a half-underground, roudish Saxon church in
Cambridge, England, the ceiling is high. Outside gatherings might be
in a glade or a tent. A clearing surrounded by trees, or in a cave.

So aside from any belief in God, you can borrow from the biological
end of religious experience, and gather your biochemistry back to a
good starting place. Center yourself, as some say (and potters
who've thrown clay on a wheel totally understand).

For the past few years we've had a wood fired hot tub. There are
photos of it here:

http://sandradodd.com/hottub

We use it four or five times a week, Keith and I, or Keith at least.
I clean it every seven or ten days, and refill it. We don't use
chemicals. We water the yard (it drains from a hose connected to a
hole in the bottom--very simple). That has been super therapeutic
for Keith's shoulder's arthritis, his soreness from wearing armor and
hitting people with rattan swords (and getting hit sometimes, too),
for me slowing down my racing mind, and for our marriage. That's
where he tells me about work. That's where I tell him what I thought
about what the kids did. Other places I might tell him what the kids
are doing, but we're both moving and busy and it's just "Holly's at
Sierra's" or "Marty needs the car tonight." But to get still and
quiet in warm water in the dark together for twenty minutes, that's
kinda life changing.

In addition to the yard watering and tub cleaning (which is a big and
many-hours job, counting draining and refilling and cleaning the
ashes out of the stove) there's the wood finding and cutting and
splitting and moving and fire tending, and that's something else
Keith and I share, and something that gives us time and excuses to be
together, or alone with our own thoughts doing something rhythmic and
useful.

I have a fire in there right now, but it's for incineration
purposes. I've been rearranging and filing and cleaning out
collections of papers and notes and this'n'that. Some is scanned and
put online. Some is filed better. Some needs to be gone, and
burning it has a satisfaction, and it heats water I can sit in later.

If stress reduction becomes part of the goal of life, then decisions
are made toward that, and people start making the less stressful choice.

When Kirby was a baby, I bought a book and read it twice. It's
called "Chop Wood, Carry Water," and contains practical suggestions
from a kind of English-speaking-western-world-hippie-Zen place.

http://www.amazon.com/Chop-Wood-Carry-Water-Fields/dp/0874772095

After Kirby was older and we were unschooling, I went to read it
again, and found that in the end notes of a couple of the chapters,
the author cited Growing Without Schooling magazine, and John Holt.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-I have read avidly most of Sandra Dodd's web pages between january
and now and
became a total groopie !-=-



Oh gosh. Thanks!

I'm glad you found it, I'm glad you liked it, and I'm glad so many of
the writers here have been such good sports about me grabbing up
their words and depositing them in public places!



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Anne Mills

Thanks Tanya that is great help.

An hour ago, at the store, I was just refusing a chocolate to my little girl
whom threw a tantrum (that is her first one) and I realized she did absorb some
of my morning stress but she then refused a hug.
I just sat on the floor next to her and just remained talking to her through her loud scream,
she remained really furious for a long time. I feel maybe to get a real answer. So I told her
i felt this was not a good way to spend our little amount of cash.
She was still angry but less mad. Gradually she started breathing calmly again.

i figured i should have given her the choc but it was rathr expensive and she gave me such
intense angry response i had to remove from the little shop.

Anyway, stress yes they do accumulate like a battery and screaming did not help but our
long talk and hugging in the end did. She did hug me back in the end.
I did smell her natural perfume and felt very lucky to have that chance to go through the
storm in dignity not loosing myself in anger at all. And not ceasing to feel for her and to
be the best of friend to her.
I did feel all the anger and I admit a bit of panic when she pushed me away
but I was committed to stay on her side.
The difficult part was to rise above the fear of being inadequate.

Anne






________________________________
> To: [email protected]
> From: tanyaz1@...
> Date: Thu, 22 May 2008 09:11:13 +0000
> Subject: [AlwaysLearning] Re: stressful life
>
>
>>"melissa_hice"
_________________________________________________________________
Votre contact a choisi Hotmail, l'e-mail ultra sécurisé. Créez un compte gratuitement !
http://www.windowslive.fr/hotmail/default.asp

Mamachaos

Melissa~

First of all, good you are safe from the accident and indeed the children are feeling a worry about 'what could have been'. Stress in us always seems to bring about a higher "neediness" in our children. Somehow they just want to find safety, find security and if you are always DOING for and with them, that feels pretty safe!

I want to say that I know your pain with your grandmother. I lost my grams almost 4 years ago now when she was 89--and right up to the end everything seemed pretty ok. There was enough time to prepare....in other words, to feel a tremendous and deep sorrow, unlike anything I had ever experienced. Tell your children how you feel. Tell them you are sad. My kids were then only 2,6, and 10. But you know what? They were the only ones who truly comforted me. Kids say the things that are the closest to the truth, and sometimes the closest to our souls. For all these years, seems like 1 day btw, that have passed, they continue to be the only ones who can just BE with me when I am sad; who don't try to fix anything or avoid the sorrow,. They have really felt what I needed, without me having to point it out. I don't feel better about her being gone anymore today than I did when she died. When you grow up with someone the way it sounds like you did, with her in your life in a very important way--seems almost like we depend on them always being there. And certainly your grandma has lived to be so old, that at some point I am sure it kind of was forgotten that she would ever not be with you. Anyway, tell your kids, share your tears, and let them hug you. It's ok to be stressed and sorrowful.

We all have times in our lives we are not our best. But that is part of life and it is healthy for your children to see that even supermom has needs and sometimes that THEY can DO FOR YOU. If you can, go be with her. Take the kids if you can. If you can't, then don't and go anyway that you can.

But just allow.......yes, stressful living ain't easy, but I think sometimes we put so much pressure on being "the best" that it makes it almost impossible to just live. There is an ebb and flow to life that we must honor.

My thoughts are with you.
Warmly,
Kelley

http://sandandstardust.blogspot.com/

"Childhood is a journey, not a race."

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tanya Ziegler

>Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> We watched a movie called Georgia Rule the other day. Adult-
> subject-matter warning. But it's about a mom/daughter/granddaughter
> set, and when the mom (played by Felicity Huffman) is talking to the
> grandmother (by Jane Fonda) about never having been told she was
> loved, and not having been hugged, her mom says her parents never
> hugged her, that her dad never lifted his hand toward her except to
> hit her.
>
> Those families are all around us...

I think this movie would be very therapeutic for me. It sounds like
my family. There are many times I've imagined telling my mom things
like this, but I'm afraid I would hurt her feelings and make her feel
bad. She seems to have changed a lot since we were kids; she now hugs
us, tells us she loves us, and tells us she's proud of us. So maybe
she knows. It sounds like a movie that will probably bring me tears,
so I will wait a few more weeks. Last weekend, I watched P.S. I Love
You with Hillary Swank and Gerard Butler. I'm still trying to recover
from that one. Very big tear-jerker for me, but also a very beautiful
story. There are a lot of inferences in this movie, one being to love
and appreciate our spouses more while they are still with us in the
flesh.

Tanya

Tanya Ziegler

>Anne Mills <anne-mills@...> wrote:
> I did feel all the anger and I admit a bit of panic when she pushed
> me away but I was committed to stay on her side. The difficult part
> was to rise above the fear of being inadequate.>>

Yes, I know this myself. When my son is really upset and falls into
the midst of a tantrum, he wants nothing to do with being touched,
much less hugged in that moment; and in fact, trying to comfort him
out of a tantrum only makes him scream louder. This has taken some
time for me to understand and get used to; but when I really thought
about it, I realized I'm the same way. If I were angry or upset about
something and my SO wanted to just hug me and poopoo it away before I
had finished expressing myself, I would be insulted and even angrier.
(This has actually happened before, and I said to him "I'm not
done!") I think children deserve the same respect to be allowed to
feel their way through strong emotions. When I was a kid, I was
yelled at for crying and at least threatened with a spanking if I
neared a tantrum. I learned to suppress my emotions and am to this
day still learning to give myself permission to feel them. (I'm
pretty sure that's why movies are so therapeutic for me; they bring up
those emotions I've been trained to suppress.) So, when my son is
melting in anger, I offer the hug or touch first to see if he wants
comfort (which is usually not yet), then I sit near him (within a foot
or two) to let him know I'm there to comfort him when he's ready. And
indeed, within a few minutes, he turns to me, wraps his arms around my
neck, and settles in for comforting. He's only 2 and not yet talking
much; but when he's older, I expect this will follow with discussion
as appropriate.

One of the things that's helped me to "stay on their side" in the
midst of a tantrum is the advice I read on one of these lists (sorry I
forget the author and am poorly paraphrasing) that a tantrum is an
opportunity to practice my best mothering skills.

Tanya

[email protected]

**When I'm in the shower, sometimes I can't help but think about the things I
am thankful for.  Somehow, hot water is always up fairly high on the list. 
:-)  Seriously...  could you imagine not having hot water?!?!!?  I personally
love it.**

My mom was born in 1937, at home on a farm in southern Illinois. Rural
electrification finally brought power to her home in 1945, long after most city
folk. Her parents put a bathroom in the house in 1955, shortly after her wedding,
and the year before I was born. The outhouse was a suitable distance from the
house and garden, of course. At some point between 1945 and 1955 a propane
powered water heater and plumbing for a basement corner shower had gone in, but
for most of her childhood and teen years bathing was a weekly affair that
involved hand pumped water heated on the stove and poured into a tin tub in the
kitchen. Being the oldest meant she had the priviledge of bathing last. No wonder
she counts modern plumbing as the greatest advance of the 20th century.

Deborah in IL


**************
Get trade secrets for amazing burgers. Watch
"Cooking with Tyler Florence" on AOL Food.

(http://food.aol.com/tyler-florence?video=4&?NCID=aolfod00030000000002)


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

keetry

--- In [email protected], Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...>
wrote:
>
> There's something biochemical when a healthy mom smells her
child.
> It has to do with the basic mothering instincts of holding and
> feeding and protecting. Our culture isn't healthy, though, and
many
> babies smell more like lotions and powders than themselves, and
too
> many moms smell like perfume and deoderant and hair stuff, and it
> must, it DOES affect bonding from the get go. At the same time,
> people and books and magazines and tv ads are saying to put the
baby
> down, give the baby a bottle, let the baby cry.
>
> It's no small thing to say no to all of that and to hold a baby
and
> smell him. If you're careful and you're lucky, it can still work
> when the baby is nineteen and you-the-mom need a biochemical boost.


This is beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes.

Alysia

Sandra Dodd

-=-So, when my son is
melting in anger, I offer the hug or touch first to see if he wants
comfort (which is usually not yet), then I sit near him (within a foot
or two) to let him know I'm there to comfort him when he's ready. And
indeed, within a few minutes, he turns to me, wraps his arms around my
neck, and settles in for comforting. He's only 2 and not yet talking
much; but when he's older, I expect this will follow with discussion
as appropriate. -=-

When he can express himself in more ways, he probably won't have as
many reasons for tantrums.



But why does he have reasons now? I've never, ever seen a tantrum
that didn't follow from someone saying no to a child instead of yes.

That doesn't mean I think kids should hear yes about everything and
never say no, but there are a ton of moms who would rather say or
assume that than to really figure out what I DO mean.



Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Sandra Dodd

-=-My mom was born in 1937, at home on a farm in southern Illinois.
Rural
electrification finally brought power to her home in 1945, long after
most city
folk. Her parents put a bathroom in the house in 1955, shortly after
her wedding,
and the year before I was born. The outhouse was a suitable distance
from the
house and garden, of course. At some point between 1945 and 1955 a
propane
powered water heater and plumbing for a basement corner shower had
gone in, but
for most of her childhood and teen years bathing was a weekly affair
that
involved hand pumped water heated on the stove and poured into a tin
tub in the
kitchen. Being the oldest meant she had the priviledge of bathing
last. No wonder
she counts modern plumbing as the greatest advance of the 20th
century.-=-

I was born in 1953, and had MANY relatives who didn't have full
modern conveniences. I had cousins in Texas whose water was pumped
up by windmill, and they drank out of a dipper, from a bucket, on the
counter in the kitchen.

We only had a bathtub and no shower when I was growing up. My dad
could take showers at work, but the other five of us (all female)
were sharing one bathroom and one bathtub. We did have a two-hole
outhouse (big seat and small seat side by side on the same board) for
most of that time, which was good, but either the city or my dad on
his own decided it wasn't good to have it where it was, and then we
were REALLY all sharing one bathroom. When I went to college and
thereafter, I had showers and they're fantastic.

I've had baths in wash-tubs in the 1950's, but the water came from
faucets. Sometimes from a hot tap, and sometimes a cold tap heated
up. There was running water involved, at least!

I do very, VERY much appreciate flush toilets (I washed two lovingly
today)

running water

hot water heaters

washing machines and dryers

my nearly-new gas stove and oven!!

I love that I have a computer and printer.

I like telephones, and though Marty's camping far from home and far
from electricity, I can still call him in an emergency (for the first
couple of days, anyway, until his battery goes, if it does).

I'm very grateful that I'm not sick and that I can walk (having had a
broken leg twice in my adult life).

I'm glad of electric light, and flashlights.

I'm glad I have a guitar. (I have three.)

I'm glad I have a recorder (more than three), and a piano, and a
little battery keyboard.

I'm glad Holly and I have the house to ourselves for four whole days
and nights, and that she'll be gone a fair amount of that time too.
JUST ME!!!! I'm glad. But I'll be glad to see Keith and Marty on
Monday, too.

Sandra




[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Tanya Ziegler

>Sandra Dodd <Sandra@...> wrote:
> But why does he have reasons now? I've never, ever seen a tantrum
> that didn't follow from someone saying no to a child instead of yes.>>

You're absolutely correct. Some days I'm not on my best parenting
game - he may be overtired or hungry and I'm not trying hard enough or
showing enough patience to turn no into yes. I'm getting better at
being mindful every day in my parenting, and that means my son's
tantrums are actually much less frequent. As Talon discovers more
things (and gets taller it seems every week), I find myself behind the
8 ball sometimes in trying to adjust his environment so there are
fewer no's (ie. discovering he can climb into office chairs to reach
computers, and we had a rough week a couple weeks ago with changes in
sleeping pattern). Sometimes it takes a couple days to figure things
out, but in the meantime it can get frustrating for both of us. I
keep working at it and hope I can enjoy at least a few days of a good
solution until his next big discovery. I do know that a tantrum means
I have missed the mark somewhere that day in my parenting.

Tanya

Ed Wendell

OK - I've just got to ask where in Southern Illinois? I was born and raised in So IL too (Franklin County - east of Benton) - several generations of farmers and coal miners. I well remember the outhouse and the smoke house. I remember when my mom's parents had a bathroom added to the house - they took a chunk out of a bedroom to make the bathroom. After my grandfather died we lived in that house for several years. I remember when my best friend had a bathroom put in their house. I also remember using oil lamps when the electricity went out. I have my grandparent's and great grandparents oil lamps sitting on my fireplace mantel. My dad went to a one room school and he was born in 1938. My grandfather was a school teacher - he had an 8th grade education so he qualified to teach, but he was born in 189_ (something). I remember the Saturday night bath - now I shower every morning. Both my parents were born at home. We only had a black and white TV with 3 channels (rabbit ears on the top) - even color TV's became available and we got one when I was in high school we still only had 3 channels and there was no such thing as renting a movie. OH wow we did have fun at drive ins though. ;)

I wonder what wonders we marvel at now that our children will reminisce about like this? "I remember that we actually had to type on a key board - a key board was this thing with letters on it in random order, etc ;)



Lisa W.





----- Original Message -----
From: Sandra Dodd
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2008 3:34 PM
Subject: Re: [AlwaysLearning] Re: stressful life


-=-My mom was born in 1937, at home on a farm in southern Illinois.

.


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Bob Collier

--- In [email protected], "Clarissa Fetrow"
<clarissafetrow@...> wrote:
>
> I do this too. Also, at the very end of the shower, when I'm completely
> done, but before I turn the water off, I just stand there (sometimes
I turn
> the water warmer) and let it all go: all the roles I play, all the
things on
> my to do list, all the things I am trying to figure out. As some
new idea
> comes to me, I let it go. And I just breathe. I can spend a lot of
mental
> energy trying to solve situations in my head, but at the end of the
shower
> is a great time to let it go, and do what I can to step out of that
shower
> cleaned inside my head too.
>
>


That reminds me. I read somewhere once that, if you're in the shower,
hot water on the back of your neck will trigger some gland or other at
the base of your brain that will release relaxing chemicals. Don't
recall what the gland's called, or what the chemicals are called. I
read this a long time ago. Apparently, it relates to why we
instinctively rub the back of our necks when we're tense or frustrated.

Bob

Sandra Dodd

-=-he may be overtired or hungry-=-

Hungry was and still is the trigger with me or my kids. We help each
other out. We remind each other to eat.

Sandra

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

Rebecca Boxwell

Susan Wise Bauer, a classical homeschooler, said that her mother taught
her that if things were going poorly you usually needed a nap, a shower,
or food. Does seem to play out that way over here.

--Rebecca


On Thu, 22 May 2008 20:19:26 -0600, "Sandra Dodd"
<Sandra@...> said:
> -=-he may be overtired or hungry-=-
>
> Hungry was and still is the trigger with me or my kids. We help each
> other out. We remind each other to eat.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>