friend help
Amy
My daughter, 5, has a friend who is about a year younger. We really
love to have her over to play. The problem is that she hates to go
home. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her
get home without a huge meltdown, because it could affect our getting
to hang out with her.
I suggested a treat or a toy or something fun, but her Mom said she
didn't want her child to expect something every time they picked her
up, that when they go to the bank she expects a treat and will have a
tantrum if she doesn't get one. I didn't have a reply, but I really
wanted to have one. I don't feel like I could say anything like "be
more fun" without really offending them, and thereby losing our
friend.
This is not an unschooling family, but I wish there were things I could
say that would help them not be so hard on this little girl.
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Amy
love to have her over to play. The problem is that she hates to go
home. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her
get home without a huge meltdown, because it could affect our getting
to hang out with her.
I suggested a treat or a toy or something fun, but her Mom said she
didn't want her child to expect something every time they picked her
up, that when they go to the bank she expects a treat and will have a
tantrum if she doesn't get one. I didn't have a reply, but I really
wanted to have one. I don't feel like I could say anything like "be
more fun" without really offending them, and thereby losing our
friend.
This is not an unschooling family, but I wish there were things I could
say that would help them not be so hard on this little girl.
Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Amy
Lyla Wolfenstein
i found that at 4-5 both my kids benefited from "borrowing" something from a friend - it always eased their transition out the door. would that be a possibility? maybe a shared item between your daughter and this girl? a stuffed animal or something that each takes turns "caring for" at home when they leave the other's house?
it sounds like this mother is suffering from the "she needs to learn" syndrome that is so common. i suffered from it myself for quite a while when my first was that age. ;-)
my daughter at that age was known to hide in closets at her friends houses - as well as hide her friends in HER closet!
warmly, Lyla
I suggested a treat or a toy or something fun, but her Mom said she
didn't want her child to expect something every time they picked her
up, that when they go to the bank she expects a treat and will have a
tantrum if she doesn't get one. I didn't have a reply, but I really
wanted to have one. I don't feel like I could say anything like "be
more fun" without really offending them, and thereby losing our
friend.
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
it sounds like this mother is suffering from the "she needs to learn" syndrome that is so common. i suffered from it myself for quite a while when my first was that age. ;-)
my daughter at that age was known to hide in closets at her friends houses - as well as hide her friends in HER closet!
warmly, Lyla
I suggested a treat or a toy or something fun, but her Mom said she
didn't want her child to expect something every time they picked her
up, that when they go to the bank she expects a treat and will have a
tantrum if she doesn't get one. I didn't have a reply, but I really
wanted to have one. I don't feel like I could say anything like "be
more fun" without really offending them, and thereby losing our
friend.
.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-The problem is that she hates to go
home. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her
get home without a huge meltdown, because it could affect our getting
to hang out with her. -=-
I have a couple of practical suggestions, as we've had this problem,
too. Give warnings, like 20 minutes, 15, 10... don't make the last
fifteen minutes as fun as possible. Make them clean-up and promise-
of-next-time times. Wind it down instead of letting his mom pop in
on a fun moment.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
home. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her
get home without a huge meltdown, because it could affect our getting
to hang out with her. -=-
I have a couple of practical suggestions, as we've had this problem,
too. Give warnings, like 20 minutes, 15, 10... don't make the last
fifteen minutes as fun as possible. Make them clean-up and promise-
of-next-time times. Wind it down instead of letting his mom pop in
on a fun moment.
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Jennifer Varela
>Have you thought of, either asking the friend yourself, or have the mom ask
> -=-The problem is that she hates to go
> home. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her
> get home without a huge meltdown, because it could affect our getting
> to hang out with her. -=-
her what would help her? My daughter had trouble leaving places when she
was around 2. I started letting her know ahead of time when we'd be going
and that worked well until she was 4. Then, it started all over again. So,
I asked her what would help her and she said that it was better for her to
*not* to be warned ahead of time and she'd rather me just walk over and take
her hand and say "ok, let's go". For my daughter, it was the stress that it
was almost over that was upsetting her the most when she was 4.
Jen
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Nancy Wooton
On May 13, 2008, at 1:53 PM, Jennifer Varela wrote:
often. One day, she had a meltdown when it was time to go home. I
told her that, if we couldn't leave the park, we couldn't go to the
park. The next day, when she thought we should go, I reminded her
that we would need to be able to leave and come home; could she do
that? She said she could, and I, as usual, gave her fair warning when
the time to go approached. She stuck to her word. I think I had to
make the same statement one more time a few days later. I never did
have to punitively tell her we couldn't go because she'd melted down
the last time; I just calmly reminded her of the simple fact that we
would have to leave the park to come home eventually.
Now, the ds was another story... <g> He decided once that it was
funny to not get in the car to leave our homeschool park day; he had
his schooled (and very strictly parented!) friend with him, too. He
stayed up on the top of the swingset instead of coming with us. I
loaded everyone in the car, started the engine and backed out of the
space. He scrambled down in a hurry. Mind you, he must have been 12
at the time! His friend was horrified by his behavior. I just told
him the same thing: if we can't leave the park, we can't go to the
park...
I must have learned from my mom... She had a technique for getting
rowdy kids to settle down in the car. She'd pull over and stop, turn
off the engine, get out her book or her knitting, and wait. This
worked best when we were going somewhere *we* wanted to be, often with
friends along, like the beach. It only took once or twice for us to
get it: the car wouldn't move until we stopped whatever it was. She
was one of those moms who could get us in line with a raised
eyebrow ;-) If we started getting noisy again, the eyebrow and a turn
signal was all it took...
Too bad she isn't as effective with her Pekingnese!
Nancy
>>When my dd was 3 or so, and ds was a baby, we'd walk to the park quite
>> -=-The problem is that she hates to go
>> home. I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions on how to help her
>> get home without a huge meltdown, because it could affect our getting
>> to hang out with her. -=-
>
>
> Have you thought of, either asking the friend yourself, or have the
> mom ask
> her what would help her? My daughter had trouble leaving places
> when she
> was around 2. I started letting her know ahead of time when we'd be
> going
> and that worked well until she was 4. Then, it started all over
> again. So,
> I asked her what would help her and she said that it was better for
> her to
> *not* to be warned ahead of time and she'd rather me just walk over
> and take
> her hand and say "ok, let's go". For my daughter, it was the stress
> that it
> was almost over that was upsetting her the most when she was 4.
>
often. One day, she had a meltdown when it was time to go home. I
told her that, if we couldn't leave the park, we couldn't go to the
park. The next day, when she thought we should go, I reminded her
that we would need to be able to leave and come home; could she do
that? She said she could, and I, as usual, gave her fair warning when
the time to go approached. She stuck to her word. I think I had to
make the same statement one more time a few days later. I never did
have to punitively tell her we couldn't go because she'd melted down
the last time; I just calmly reminded her of the simple fact that we
would have to leave the park to come home eventually.
Now, the ds was another story... <g> He decided once that it was
funny to not get in the car to leave our homeschool park day; he had
his schooled (and very strictly parented!) friend with him, too. He
stayed up on the top of the swingset instead of coming with us. I
loaded everyone in the car, started the engine and backed out of the
space. He scrambled down in a hurry. Mind you, he must have been 12
at the time! His friend was horrified by his behavior. I just told
him the same thing: if we can't leave the park, we can't go to the
park...
I must have learned from my mom... She had a technique for getting
rowdy kids to settle down in the car. She'd pull over and stop, turn
off the engine, get out her book or her knitting, and wait. This
worked best when we were going somewhere *we* wanted to be, often with
friends along, like the beach. It only took once or twice for us to
get it: the car wouldn't move until we stopped whatever it was. She
was one of those moms who could get us in line with a raised
eyebrow ;-) If we started getting noisy again, the eyebrow and a turn
signal was all it took...
Too bad she isn't as effective with her Pekingnese!
Nancy
Amy
Thank you for the ideas.
-=-it sounds like this mother is suffering from the "she needs to
learn" syndrome-=-
Yes, that, and maybe thinking her daughter should have the maturity
of a 30 year old. I've been thinking about that line "We don't want
her to expect something every time we pick her up." But, she already
does expect something, doesn't she? I'm guessing she expects that
she'll be unhappy. It's really not so bad when her Mom picks her up,
much worse when her Dad comes.
-=- Give warnings, like 20 minutes, 15, 10... don't make the last
fifteen minutes as fun as possible. Make them clean-up and promise-
of-next-time times. Wind it down instead of letting his mom pop in
on a fun moment.-=-
I give her the run down of the day a couple of times throughout the
day, and then as it gets closer I give the time warnings. We try to
be outside and waiting and not doing anything in particular. I like
the "clean-up and promise-of-next-time times" as it feels like a
clear signal that this is the end of our day.
It actually goes smoothly until she sees her Dad. So today I thought
it would work better to pick her up and drop her off. It worked a
lot better this way, so we will try to always do that, along with
some of the other suggestions.
I have tried talking to her about what would help, but if I address
her directly she acts like she is in trouble.
-=-on tantrums and how we can foster
them by acting like tantrums and their attendant feelings must be
avoided-=-
She doesn't have the tantrums when she's around me, it all comes out
when she sees her Dad. I think this is part of the problem, I think
she gets in trouble for being sad that she has to leave her friend.
I did tell the Mom that I thought it was more a problem for the
adults to figure out, rather than the child getting in trouble for
having strong feelings. But I feel that I have to be very careful
what I say so that I don't offend anyone.
Thanks again!
Amy
-=-it sounds like this mother is suffering from the "she needs to
learn" syndrome-=-
Yes, that, and maybe thinking her daughter should have the maturity
of a 30 year old. I've been thinking about that line "We don't want
her to expect something every time we pick her up." But, she already
does expect something, doesn't she? I'm guessing she expects that
she'll be unhappy. It's really not so bad when her Mom picks her up,
much worse when her Dad comes.
-=- Give warnings, like 20 minutes, 15, 10... don't make the last
fifteen minutes as fun as possible. Make them clean-up and promise-
of-next-time times. Wind it down instead of letting his mom pop in
on a fun moment.-=-
I give her the run down of the day a couple of times throughout the
day, and then as it gets closer I give the time warnings. We try to
be outside and waiting and not doing anything in particular. I like
the "clean-up and promise-of-next-time times" as it feels like a
clear signal that this is the end of our day.
It actually goes smoothly until she sees her Dad. So today I thought
it would work better to pick her up and drop her off. It worked a
lot better this way, so we will try to always do that, along with
some of the other suggestions.
I have tried talking to her about what would help, but if I address
her directly she acts like she is in trouble.
-=-on tantrums and how we can foster
them by acting like tantrums and their attendant feelings must be
avoided-=-
She doesn't have the tantrums when she's around me, it all comes out
when she sees her Dad. I think this is part of the problem, I think
she gets in trouble for being sad that she has to leave her friend.
I did tell the Mom that I thought it was more a problem for the
adults to figure out, rather than the child getting in trouble for
having strong feelings. But I feel that I have to be very careful
what I say so that I don't offend anyone.
Thanks again!
Amy