Lara Miller

Hello unschooling families -

Lara here, along with my dh Joe and our three kiddos: Joey (9),
Miranda (8) and Timothy (6). We are newer to homeschooling which
very quickly turned into unschooling. The older two kids went to a
hyped-up, over-achieving elementary school for a few years which
drove me totally crazy. I think I have always been an unschooling
mom, I just didn't realize this was possible let alone be able find
my way to it.

We have always been outside of the box thinkers (or contrarians as my
mom says :) and last year we decided to really change things up. We
got rid of our house and most of our things and moved into a
motorhome, took off and haven't looked back. We have traveled all
the way from NC to Alaska and everywhere in-between. Right now, we
are thinking that we might (just might) think of settling back down
this fall maybe in Boulder, CO or close to it.

As far as the unschooling goes, we have needed quite a bit of
deschooling. Especially the oldest. He was in a high stress,
advanced class that all seems so ridiculous now that we have found
another way. I think that I need the most deschooling though and I
still have a long way to go! I am working hard on not comparing my
kids to others. Especially the last month since we have been staying
near family with same-age kids in school. Dh's family really puts a
big value on education and has lots of questions for me. I find it
really hard to explain exactly what we are doing and why. All I know
is that no matter how I think on it, it just feels right in my heart,
even when it doesn't feel so right in my schooled brain (or anyone
else's brain). As with most decisions in my life, I must go with my
heart. We haven't been without struggle. My kids have patiently
bided my monthly "OMG I'm not doing the right thing!" meltdown and
then we get to take one step back and then proceed with the two steps
forward into building back up the trust.

I also have some, ahem, control issues. Especially around food. I
suppose I am a bit of a health food nut and I have had the hardest
time in letting go of that and watching the kids eat what I consider
(emphasis on I) total crap. I am also still struggling with trying
to get places. I feel like every outing results in some sort of
battle of wills with at least one of them or me. I am sure I will be
asking lots of questions and I am already reading lots around here
and on Sandra's site - what a wealth of information. I feel like all
of the families quotes and stories there are little pats on my back
reassuring me we are doing great.

I read somewhere on one of the pages where the mom said she got tired
of people looking at her with sad or sympathetic eyes when she said
she homeschooled. That drives me crazy too! I get it all the time.
"Oh wow, you home school? I could never do that" "more power to ya"
"you must be brave" and on and on. I find it a privilege to be with
my kids all the time and watch them and myself blossom.

About myself? I am a Bradley childbirth instructor, birth and
postpartum doula and one of these days, a midwife. Of course, all of
that is on hold while we are traveling, but other than my kids, birth
is my true great passion.

Lastly - I think we are planning on going to the HENA conference in
Phoenix area March 1-2. Anyone else?

Blessings,

Lara Miller
Currently in Sunny Bradenton, FL!
http://www.mytripjournal.com/millerfamily






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juillet727

Hi there--
We are new-ish with unschooling too. I just wanted to say that with my
family---filled with decades-long career teachers--I just tell them
what we're doing: outings, adventures, etc and I don't talk philosophy
with them at all. I don't even use the word "unschooling". It sounds
crazy to most folks and it distracts me from what I love about my life
if I get into a philosophical conversation about it.

Everything I say is about events--fun stuff. If someone brings up
homeschooling or unschooling, I just say, "We're going to try this out
for a year." They don't have to know that I'm convinced this is a
perfect path for me and my family. "This seems to be working out well
for us." I always hear about standards and whatnot, but I just listen
and then change the subject and say something like, "We saw the
coolest bird that's only native to this area! It's really rare to see
one!" Or something like that. (Because that's actually something I'd say.)

I only bring up my concerns to the lists online or with other
unschooling friends. And on those days where you're freaking out,
think back to why you were so unhappy with your kids in school. Think
about why you left. And how it's better now.

Ooh, gotta go right away!

~~Juillet

Sandra Dodd

-=-Everything I say is about events--fun stuff. If someone brings up
homeschooling or unschooling, I just say, "We're going to try this out
for a year." They don't have to know that I'm convinced this is a
perfect path for me and my family. "This seems to be working out well
for us." I always hear about standards and whatnot, but I just listen
and then change the subject and say something like, "We saw the
coolest bird that's only native to this area! It's really rare to see
one!" Or something like that. (Because that's actually something I'd
say.)-=-



That sounds perfect! Very smooth. Some of you who worry about
relatives (especially professional-educator types) should print
Juillet's post out and carry it around for a while, maybe!



Sandra

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juillet727

Hi again--back after helping my partner get off to work--
I also wanting to add...the hardest part for me has been to be at ease
with "doing nothing". Nothing to write home about, that is.

But how would I write home about how cool it is that my boy just
reached the next level on his latest video game or that we were able
to put a tv into his room so the tv for watching movies is more
available? The depravity of my family would be legend along the family
grapevine. <g>

My family just got me a pink wireless controller for the xbox360 so I
could play with them. It was very sweet! I didn't put that in my
letter to my folks though. :)

But as for doing "nothing"? I'm learning to slow my brain down and see
what I'm really looking at. I don't know if I can explain it.. It's
like being really present with my life and my kid. Enjoying all the
small details that are normally looked over because of some unspoken
goal-minded thinking.

I read in your post that you are a birthing/doula person. I think that
the propaganda around schooling in our country is similar to me to the
propaganda around birthing. It's so pervasive that most of our current
society cannot think how either of those are done without the
assistance of experts, but also it colors the thinking around those 2
subjects in broad ways.
There are definite moments when someone with specific knowledge is
needed (and I'm very grateful for the medical advances that helped me
survive when I was born), but through schooling we have been trained
to be so powerless and not trust ourselves. It's no surprise to me
that the trend to have hospital births came after compulsory schooling
had it's effect on a few generations.

I'm starting to see in myself patterns of thinking that are so related
to school! Not even schooly subjects or education-y things! More like
stuff related to respecting my child as an individual. Or what is
honestly supportive and loving this other person standing in front of
me. No matter what his age. It's just kind of interesting. In that
way, unschooling works in relating with my partner (and myself) in a
really nice way.

Ok, I have to go again. Got kind of blathery...didn't mean to.
~~Juillet

Sandra Dodd

-=-In that
way, unschooling works in relating with my partner (and myself) in a
really nice way.

Ok, I have to go again. Got kind of blathery...didn't mean to.
-=-

The blathery part might've been the best part.

Treating our children like people, like whole people, can lead to
treating others (and ourselves) more like whole people too. I've
seen it in my family and in some others.

Sandra

Lara Miller

"-filled with decades-long career teachers--"

Yes, BOTH my in-laws are retired NY state school teachers - heehee.
So that has made for some interesting "concerns" on their part. I
gave them "Dumbing us Down" thinking that they may hold some level of
respect for for Gatto since he was also a NYS teacher, but they still
aren't getting it. Oh well, as with so many other areas of my life I
have to do what is right for us regardless of how they or anyone else
feel. This isn't the first time they don't get us and i am sure it
won't be the last!

"I read in your post that you are a birthing/doula person. I think that
the propaganda around schooling in our country is similar to me to the
propaganda around birthing."

As I have been falling in love with our unschooling oddesy, the
similarities between school brainwashing and birth brainwashing are
amazing. I have told my husband SO many times "this is just like how
people/hospital/doctors think about birth!" My comfort and trust
with birth has actually helped me with unschooling. I have
experience with thinking differently and doing things differently and
seeing the wonderful results. Once I realized unschooling was
possible I had one of those "duh" moments (smaking my forhead) and
couldn't believe that I didn't find this earlier. As much as I could
sit around and think coulda, woulda, shoulda, I can't go back, only
move forward.

Interestingly, I offered for my SIL (with three kids) to read my copy
of "The Unprocessed Child" to help answer many of the questions she
had for me that I wan unable to articulate. She declined the offer
telling me that she has no intentions of changing how she is
schooling (public) her kids and doesn't want to read this book and
then feel guilty about it. Hmmmm.....

Blessings,

Lara Miller
Currently in Sunny Bradenton, FL!
http://www.mytripjournal.com/millerfamily



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Lara Miller

> Treating our children like people, like whole people, can lead to
> treating others (and ourselves) more like whole people too. I've
> seen it in my family and in some others.

This has become my mantra. Am I treating my children the way I treat
my husband and my friends and even strangers? It has been very
freeing for me to look at them as people instead of someone I have to
'make something' out of or into. Another 'duh' moment. I know I
learned this domination for their good parenting from my own parents
and almost every parent I know, but how did it start? Just where and
when were children considered less than? I just can't believe that
something that feels so good in my heart isn't innate within all of
us as parents, as human beings. Anthropology is a hobby of mine, so
I am always trying to figure out where and how our thinking as a
society came from.

Blessings,

Lara Miller
Currently in Sunny Bradenton, FL!
http://www.mytripjournal.com/millerfamily




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Sandra Dodd

-=-She declined the offer
telling me that she has no intentions of changing how she is
schooling (public) her kids and doesn't want to read this book and
then feel guilty about it. Hmmmm.....-=-



I totally understand that. I wouldn't press her.

Sandra

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Sandra Dodd

-=-I know I
learned this domination for their good parenting from my own parents
and almost every parent I know, but how did it start? Just where and
when were children considered less than? I just can't believe that
something that feels so good in my heart isn't innate within all of
us as parents, as human beings. Anthropology is a hobby of mine, so
I am always trying to figure out where and how our thinking as a
society came from.-=-



One thing I've heard speculated in social history discussions is that
when the mortality rate was so high people didn't want to get
attached to their children. I figure it was just a guess or a
justification.

Christianity and the born-sinful arguments are simple to see. Jewish
families don't seem to be awful to their kids the way some Christian
families are.



Sandra

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Lara Miller

No, I don't want to press her, I just found it interesting her
reasoning. It is like she knows it is probably the truth, but
doesn't want to hear it.

Blessings,

Lara Miller
Currently in Sunny Bradenton, FL!
http://www.mytripjournal.com/millerfamily




On Jan 20, 2008, at 10:06 PM, Sandra Dodd wrote:

> -=-She declined the offer
> telling me that she has no intentions of changing how she is
> schooling (public) her kids and doesn't want to read this book and
> then feel guilty about it. Hmmmm.....-=-
>
> I totally understand that. I wouldn't press her.
>
> Sandra
>
> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
>
>
>



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ENSEMBLE S-WAYNFORTH

===========
Just where and
when were children considered less than? I just can't believe that
something that feels so good in my heart isn't innate within all of
us as parents, as human beings. Anthropology is a hobby of mine, so
I am always trying to figure out where and how our thinking as a
society came from.
============

My guess is that people have always been more or less than. It isn't just children. But there is some very interesting anthropological discussions on the inclusion of children and the caretaking of children. Barry Hewlett, who is at Washington State University, worked with the Aka and found that the fathers do 47% of childcare, and even suckle infants (http://www.guardian.co.uk/parents/story/0,,1506843,00.html). Paul Turke found that having the first child be a girl increased the number of children that a household had amongst the islanders of Ifaluk. Karen Kramer did an interesting piece of work on the changing dynamics of a family work and structure among a group of Maya in Mexico (http://tiny.cc/eQqan), in her conclusion section she talks about Jim Boone's and Karen Keckler's (my old roommate) work on how there probably wasn't constant high mortality risks to children, instead there were sudden population crashes due to disease or natural disaster
that kept human population numbers down. Barry Hewlett did an interesting comparison on maternal care across groups including, I believe, the U.S. http://www.vancouver.wsu.edu/fac/hewlett/infantcare.html is a sort of review of other cultures as compared with the U.S. I can't find the paper with holding time. It might not actually be a paper, David referenced it in a paper he was writing and it might be personal communication as opposed to something citable. One of my favorite books, my cleansing book after trying to read Leidloff, is Meredith Small's book Our babies, Ourselves which is a nice review of the literature on infant care. She has a later book on older children which I got David for Christmas and I haven't done more than peruse the stuff on children and stress.

Parenting is hard and it takes time, a fact that means that parenting is in direct conflict with other things that we might want or need to do. It can be less of a time burden when you can find others to care for your children, daycare workers, sisters, older children, fathers, grandmothers, whomever. In the U.S. and the U.K. where parents are often both working outside the home it becomes very difficult to care for your child in a way that doesn't produce conflict and punishment and separate beds and separate lives and fewer children.

Schuyler
www.waynforth.blogspot.com

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alexandra westaway

===========
Just where and
when were children considered less than? I just can't believe that
something that feels so good in my heart isn't innate within all of
us as parents, as human beings. Anthropology is a hobby of mine, so
I am always trying to figure out where and how our thinking as a
society came from.
============

A great book around this topic is "Parenting for a Peaceful World" by Australian psychologist Robin Grille.

The first part of the book details the "history of childhood"... of the western world anyway. Breaking down this history into six "modes" the first chapter is "the infanticidal mode" and mentions that " Ancient Roman parents were not legally required to keep any of their children. The law upheld and safeguarded fathers' absolute authority, explicitly including the right to execute their own children." Pretty grim stuff.

Another interesting point from a legal point of view, from the book..."In 1969, the United States Supreme Court declared children to be 'persons' under the United States Constitution. Up until then, American children had been legally the property of their parents."

Another section examines "how child-rearing forged the destiny of nations" and details the parenting mores of the childhoods of dictators such as Hitler and Stalin.

Thankfully the book goes on to detail the emerging parenting mode, "the helping mode", which i'd consider unschooling to be forging the way in. It's the next step in the ongoing evolution of human life. After all it wasn't so long ago that women had no rights and were property of their husbands. {in some places they still are}

...alex...

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Sandra Dodd

-=-Another section examines "how child-rearing forged the destiny of
nations" and details the parenting mores of the childhoods of
dictators such as Hitler and Stalin. -=-

"For Your Own Good" uses Hitler as an example of the effects of scary
German parenting practices.

Sandra

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