getting away from "chores"
Sandra Dodd
-=-I asked Thomas if he would bring in
one of his drink glasses from the computer desk to the kitchen, since
I was
doing dishes, and he just started yelling at me about how *I* never do
anything and I make him do everything, which is the complete opposite
almost
of how things really are.-=-
What was Thomas doing when you asked him? You didn't tell us the
most important part. What did you interrupt? What did you expect
him to stop doing right that second?
I would've gone and gotten the glass and said something nice to the
computer using kid (if he was doing that) or the TV watching kid, or
maybe say nothing if it was at a crucial part of the game or show. I
might say "Do you know of any more dishes down here?"
If I'm in the middle of something like playing a game that doesn't
pause, or unloading the dryer, or cleaning the hot tub, or writing a
letter like this and one of my kids asks me to do something, I'll
probably say "Wait a few minutes if you can" or "When I'm finished
with this I can help you" or whatever. If they're distraught or it's
pressing, I'll drop whatever I'm doing, but most often it can wait a
bit. When they were littler, I'd engage them in conversation about
the thing if I needed to stall. I'd be saying yes, but still
finishing what I was doing and getting more details about what they
needed too. I didn't send them away to wait.
But about dishes, whoever sees them pretty much gets them. A week
ago we had a full-on sit-down dinner after which Marty picked up all
the dishes on the table, and we all thanked him.
Someone will do it, or we'll all grab a few.
When I'm doing the dishes, I check by the computers. When I'm coming
upstairs, if someone has left dishes on the step where we leave mail
to go down or dishes to go up, I grab them and take them to the
sink. If I leave a dish there, someone else takes it to the sink.
That didn't happen from discussion or planning, though. It grew
naturally from courtesies extended to the children from the parents.
-=- I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that
comes to mind to say.-=-
His frustration will gradually ease if you're willing to gradually
give more in patient and willing and loving ways.
-=-I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that
comes to mind to say. But I ended up yelling at him that I’ve been
doing all
the cleaning and just asked if he’d bring in one glass.-=-
Your housecleaning is costing him peace and love. Bummer.
It would've been WAY easier for you to go and get that glass.
-=-On the other hand,
the same week he helped put away the silverware while I was doing the
rest
of the dishes, and all I did was ask if he’d help me.-=-
He can't help voluntarily until some time after you quit asking him
to help. That's another of those things that sounds stupid to say,
but as long as he expects that you'll ask, he'll help when you ask
(in various states of willingness) and when you don't ask , he won't
help. You're on the path to getting him to help when you ask, not on
the path to getting him to want to help.
There are lots of good things here. Please do look. If you've
already looked, look again because those things come across
differently with different levels of experience and understanding.
http://sandradodd.com/chores
Sandra
one of his drink glasses from the computer desk to the kitchen, since
I was
doing dishes, and he just started yelling at me about how *I* never do
anything and I make him do everything, which is the complete opposite
almost
of how things really are.-=-
What was Thomas doing when you asked him? You didn't tell us the
most important part. What did you interrupt? What did you expect
him to stop doing right that second?
I would've gone and gotten the glass and said something nice to the
computer using kid (if he was doing that) or the TV watching kid, or
maybe say nothing if it was at a crucial part of the game or show. I
might say "Do you know of any more dishes down here?"
If I'm in the middle of something like playing a game that doesn't
pause, or unloading the dryer, or cleaning the hot tub, or writing a
letter like this and one of my kids asks me to do something, I'll
probably say "Wait a few minutes if you can" or "When I'm finished
with this I can help you" or whatever. If they're distraught or it's
pressing, I'll drop whatever I'm doing, but most often it can wait a
bit. When they were littler, I'd engage them in conversation about
the thing if I needed to stall. I'd be saying yes, but still
finishing what I was doing and getting more details about what they
needed too. I didn't send them away to wait.
But about dishes, whoever sees them pretty much gets them. A week
ago we had a full-on sit-down dinner after which Marty picked up all
the dishes on the table, and we all thanked him.
Someone will do it, or we'll all grab a few.
When I'm doing the dishes, I check by the computers. When I'm coming
upstairs, if someone has left dishes on the step where we leave mail
to go down or dishes to go up, I grab them and take them to the
sink. If I leave a dish there, someone else takes it to the sink.
That didn't happen from discussion or planning, though. It grew
naturally from courtesies extended to the children from the parents.
-=- I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that
comes to mind to say.-=-
His frustration will gradually ease if you're willing to gradually
give more in patient and willing and loving ways.
-=-I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that
comes to mind to say. But I ended up yelling at him that I’ve been
doing all
the cleaning and just asked if he’d bring in one glass.-=-
Your housecleaning is costing him peace and love. Bummer.
It would've been WAY easier for you to go and get that glass.
-=-On the other hand,
the same week he helped put away the silverware while I was doing the
rest
of the dishes, and all I did was ask if he’d help me.-=-
He can't help voluntarily until some time after you quit asking him
to help. That's another of those things that sounds stupid to say,
but as long as he expects that you'll ask, he'll help when you ask
(in various states of willingness) and when you don't ask , he won't
help. You're on the path to getting him to help when you ask, not on
the path to getting him to want to help.
There are lots of good things here. Please do look. If you've
already looked, look again because those things come across
differently with different levels of experience and understanding.
http://sandradodd.com/chores
Sandra
Silvia Barrett
-=-I asked Thomas if he would bring in
one of his drink glasses from the computer desk to the kitchen, since
I was
doing dishes, and he just started yelling at me about how *I* never do
anything and I make him do everything, which is the complete opposite
almost of how things really are.-=-
What was Thomas doing when you asked him? You didn't tell us the
most important part. What did you interrupt? What did you expect
him to stop doing right that second?
** I believe that in this case, he was just walking from the living room
(where the computer is) toward the dining room/kitchen. If he had a
particular plan in his head for what he was going to be doing, I didn't know
and he didn't say. **
I would've gone and gotten the glass and said something nice to the
computer using kid (if he was doing that) or the TV watching kid, or
maybe say nothing if it was at a crucial part of the game or show. I
might say "Do you know of any more dishes down here?"
** This is what I do frequently. In the morning when they're still asleep,
I'll go through that room where I usually find their glasses, food wrappers,
plates, etc, and clean up. If they're in the room and I’m cleaning, I'll ask
if they're done with their drink, or if I can take it. **
If I'm in the middle of something like playing a game that doesn't
pause, or unloading the dryer, or cleaning the hot tub, or writing a
letter like this and one of my kids asks me to do something, I'll
probably say "Wait a few minutes if you can" or "When I'm finished
with this I can help you" or whatever. If they're distraught or it's
pressing, I'll drop whatever I'm doing, but most often it can wait a
bit. When they were littler, I'd engage them in conversation about
the thing if I needed to stall. I'd be saying yes, but still
finishing what I was doing and getting more details about what they
needed too. I didn't send them away to wait.
But about dishes, whoever sees them pretty much gets them. A week
ago we had a full-on sit-down dinner after which Marty picked up all
the dishes on the table, and we all thanked him.
Someone will do it, or we'll all grab a few.
When I'm doing the dishes, I check by the computers. When I'm coming
upstairs, if someone has left dishes on the step where we leave mail
to go down or dishes to go up, I grab them and take them to the
sink. If I leave a dish there, someone else takes it to the sink.
That didn't happen from discussion or planning, though. It grew
naturally from courtesies extended to the children from the parents.
-=- I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that comes to mind to say.-=-
His frustration will gradually ease if you're willing to gradually
give more in patient and willing and loving ways.
-=-I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that
comes to mind to say. But I ended up yelling at him that I’ve been
doing all the cleaning and just asked if he’d bring in one glass.-=-
Your housecleaning is costing him peace and love. Bummer.
It would've been WAY easier for you to go and get that glass.
** If I'd known he was going to respond that way I would have! I can't read
his mind. He didn't seem to be otherwise occupied. If he'd been at the
computer I wouldn’t have asked him. **
-=-On the other hand,
the same week he helped put away the silverware while I was doing the
rest of the dishes, and all I did was ask if he’d help me.-=-
He can't help voluntarily until some time after you quit asking him
to help. That's another of those things that sounds stupid to say,
but as long as he expects that you'll ask, he'll help when you ask
(in various states of willingness) and when you don't ask , he won't
help. You're on the path to getting him to help when you ask, not on
the path to getting him to want to help.
** But this is where I'm confused. I asked him if he'd help, and he did. If
he had said no, I'd have done it. I wasn't trying to order him to help. It's
been a while since he had a regular chore of helping with dishes. I've tried
not involving him. Maybe it's just not been long enough. But that's why the
blow up over the glass was weird. I had to re-read what you wrote twice, but
I think I see what you're saying. If I just stop asking, eventually he'll
just want to help when he sees I need it. Right? I've been trying to be more
conscious of nice things I can do for him (and Emily) before the need
arises, before they say they need help, or before they would go do it for
themselves. I want them to see that I'm looking for things I can do in
anticipation, or just to be helpful, when in the past, I would have waited
for one of them to ask me first. **
There are lots of good things here. Please do look. If you've
already looked, look again because those things come across
differently with different levels of experience and understanding.
http://sandradodd.com/chores
Sandra
Thanks again,
Silvia
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.15.28/1123 - Release Date: 11/10/2007
3:47 PM
one of his drink glasses from the computer desk to the kitchen, since
I was
doing dishes, and he just started yelling at me about how *I* never do
anything and I make him do everything, which is the complete opposite
almost of how things really are.-=-
What was Thomas doing when you asked him? You didn't tell us the
most important part. What did you interrupt? What did you expect
him to stop doing right that second?
** I believe that in this case, he was just walking from the living room
(where the computer is) toward the dining room/kitchen. If he had a
particular plan in his head for what he was going to be doing, I didn't know
and he didn't say. **
I would've gone and gotten the glass and said something nice to the
computer using kid (if he was doing that) or the TV watching kid, or
maybe say nothing if it was at a crucial part of the game or show. I
might say "Do you know of any more dishes down here?"
** This is what I do frequently. In the morning when they're still asleep,
I'll go through that room where I usually find their glasses, food wrappers,
plates, etc, and clean up. If they're in the room and I’m cleaning, I'll ask
if they're done with their drink, or if I can take it. **
If I'm in the middle of something like playing a game that doesn't
pause, or unloading the dryer, or cleaning the hot tub, or writing a
letter like this and one of my kids asks me to do something, I'll
probably say "Wait a few minutes if you can" or "When I'm finished
with this I can help you" or whatever. If they're distraught or it's
pressing, I'll drop whatever I'm doing, but most often it can wait a
bit. When they were littler, I'd engage them in conversation about
the thing if I needed to stall. I'd be saying yes, but still
finishing what I was doing and getting more details about what they
needed too. I didn't send them away to wait.
But about dishes, whoever sees them pretty much gets them. A week
ago we had a full-on sit-down dinner after which Marty picked up all
the dishes on the table, and we all thanked him.
Someone will do it, or we'll all grab a few.
When I'm doing the dishes, I check by the computers. When I'm coming
upstairs, if someone has left dishes on the step where we leave mail
to go down or dishes to go up, I grab them and take them to the
sink. If I leave a dish there, someone else takes it to the sink.
That didn't happen from discussion or planning, though. It grew
naturally from courtesies extended to the children from the parents.
-=- I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that comes to mind to say.-=-
His frustration will gradually ease if you're willing to gradually
give more in patient and willing and loving ways.
-=-I recognize that either this is how he truly sees
it, or he’s just frustrated about something and this is the first
thing that
comes to mind to say. But I ended up yelling at him that I’ve been
doing all the cleaning and just asked if he’d bring in one glass.-=-
Your housecleaning is costing him peace and love. Bummer.
It would've been WAY easier for you to go and get that glass.
** If I'd known he was going to respond that way I would have! I can't read
his mind. He didn't seem to be otherwise occupied. If he'd been at the
computer I wouldn’t have asked him. **
-=-On the other hand,
the same week he helped put away the silverware while I was doing the
rest of the dishes, and all I did was ask if he’d help me.-=-
He can't help voluntarily until some time after you quit asking him
to help. That's another of those things that sounds stupid to say,
but as long as he expects that you'll ask, he'll help when you ask
(in various states of willingness) and when you don't ask , he won't
help. You're on the path to getting him to help when you ask, not on
the path to getting him to want to help.
** But this is where I'm confused. I asked him if he'd help, and he did. If
he had said no, I'd have done it. I wasn't trying to order him to help. It's
been a while since he had a regular chore of helping with dishes. I've tried
not involving him. Maybe it's just not been long enough. But that's why the
blow up over the glass was weird. I had to re-read what you wrote twice, but
I think I see what you're saying. If I just stop asking, eventually he'll
just want to help when he sees I need it. Right? I've been trying to be more
conscious of nice things I can do for him (and Emily) before the need
arises, before they say they need help, or before they would go do it for
themselves. I want them to see that I'm looking for things I can do in
anticipation, or just to be helpful, when in the past, I would have waited
for one of them to ask me first. **
There are lots of good things here. Please do look. If you've
already looked, look again because those things come across
differently with different levels of experience and understanding.
http://sandradodd.com/chores
Sandra
Thanks again,
Silvia
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.15.28/1123 - Release Date: 11/10/2007
3:47 PM
olga o
This is one of my struggles (hoping for the kids to help more), so I just
wanted to throw my bid in here.
What I usually do, as I do with my husband is say, "Are you busy right
now?" If they say no, then I let them know what I need done. If they say
yes, then I just say "alright" and either do it myself of they usually come
ask me what I needed done. Everyone (except maybe the five year old cause I
don't ask him so much) has figured out that "are you busy?" means "I need a
favor." in Momspeak (at least their mom's speak). I think, though, that I
am acknowledging the fact that they can keep doing what they are doing.
When I really *need* something done, I will generally say, "can you do me a
favor right now?" but that usually only applies to my husband as he is
generally the only one who is capable of doing the things that I am simply
not.
It seems to be working pretty well. It works almost all the time with my
husband, most of the time with my 11 yo, about half the time with my 7 yo
and almost never with my 5 yo (that is why I don't ask him much, just let
him help when he feels like it). I think this is pretty age appropriate. I
don't know. Just my own thoughts and how I have gotten this "no chore"
thing to work for us fairly well.
I don't feel like this is coercive. I am not trying to be coercive, but
maybe I am missing something. That does happen, LOL. =)
olga*
--
877 4 LA LECHE
La Leche League's Breastfeeding Helpline - US
Breastfeeding Help 24 Hours a day
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
wanted to throw my bid in here.
What I usually do, as I do with my husband is say, "Are you busy right
now?" If they say no, then I let them know what I need done. If they say
yes, then I just say "alright" and either do it myself of they usually come
ask me what I needed done. Everyone (except maybe the five year old cause I
don't ask him so much) has figured out that "are you busy?" means "I need a
favor." in Momspeak (at least their mom's speak). I think, though, that I
am acknowledging the fact that they can keep doing what they are doing.
When I really *need* something done, I will generally say, "can you do me a
favor right now?" but that usually only applies to my husband as he is
generally the only one who is capable of doing the things that I am simply
not.
It seems to be working pretty well. It works almost all the time with my
husband, most of the time with my 11 yo, about half the time with my 7 yo
and almost never with my 5 yo (that is why I don't ask him much, just let
him help when he feels like it). I think this is pretty age appropriate. I
don't know. Just my own thoughts and how I have gotten this "no chore"
thing to work for us fairly well.
I don't feel like this is coercive. I am not trying to be coercive, but
maybe I am missing something. That does happen, LOL. =)
olga*
--
877 4 LA LECHE
La Leche League's Breastfeeding Helpline - US
Breastfeeding Help 24 Hours a day
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Sandra Dodd
-=-When I really *need* something done, I will generally say, "can
you do me a
favor right now?" -=-
When I need help quickly, and everyone's engrossed in something, I'll
ask "Can you help met at the commercial?" or "Can this game pause?"
or "I need help when you get a chance" (if it can wait).
Very often I get the help right that moment. Usually I get the help
in a few minutes.
Some games don't pause. If they're in a WoW activity, I might have
to wait eight minutes. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
you do me a
favor right now?" -=-
When I need help quickly, and everyone's engrossed in something, I'll
ask "Can you help met at the commercial?" or "Can this game pause?"
or "I need help when you get a chance" (if it can wait).
Very often I get the help right that moment. Usually I get the help
in a few minutes.
Some games don't pause. If they're in a WoW activity, I might have
to wait eight minutes. <g>
Sandra
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Shannon Rizzo
One thing my kids LOVE is www.chorewars.com. You can create a family "team"
(we're the Rizzo Raiders) and choose an avatar for your character. You
create quests - anyone in the team can create a quest - and for each quest
the creator chooses the treasures to be won and the monsters to be battled.
After you complete the quest IRL, you log on to check it as completed. At
that point you may encounter a monster to battle. You rack up points and
after a certain number of points, you "level up" to more challenges. Some
of the monsters my kids created were dust bunny monsters, lint trap
monsters, etc. The only drawback is the battle is a "click" battle - you
don't battle as I thought we might.
It's a lot of fun! We are always thinking up fun ways to do household tasks
and this is one of our favorites.
Shannon
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
(we're the Rizzo Raiders) and choose an avatar for your character. You
create quests - anyone in the team can create a quest - and for each quest
the creator chooses the treasures to be won and the monsters to be battled.
After you complete the quest IRL, you log on to check it as completed. At
that point you may encounter a monster to battle. You rack up points and
after a certain number of points, you "level up" to more challenges. Some
of the monsters my kids created were dust bunny monsters, lint trap
monsters, etc. The only drawback is the battle is a "click" battle - you
don't battle as I thought we might.
It's a lot of fun! We are always thinking up fun ways to do household tasks
and this is one of our favorites.
Shannon
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
Silvia Barrett
Thanks Olga. I will try asking if they�re busy first, even if it seems to me
that they�re not. I do ask if someone will do me a favor, too, and if they
can�t, that�s fine.
Silvia
What I usually do, as I do with my husband is say, "Are you busy right
now?" If they say no, then I let them know what I need done. If they say
yes, then I just say "alright" and either do it myself of they usually come
ask me what I needed done. Everyone (except maybe the five year old cause I
don't ask him so much) has figured out that "are you busy?" means "I need a
favor." in Momspeak (at least their mom's speak). I think, though, that I
am acknowledging the fact that they can keep doing what they are doing.
When I really *need* something done, I will generally say, "can you do me a
favor right now?" but that usually only applies to my husband as he is
generally the only one who is capable of doing the things that I am simply
not.
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.15.30/1126 - Release Date: 11/12/2007
12:56 PM
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
that they�re not. I do ask if someone will do me a favor, too, and if they
can�t, that�s fine.
Silvia
What I usually do, as I do with my husband is say, "Are you busy right
now?" If they say no, then I let them know what I need done. If they say
yes, then I just say "alright" and either do it myself of they usually come
ask me what I needed done. Everyone (except maybe the five year old cause I
don't ask him so much) has figured out that "are you busy?" means "I need a
favor." in Momspeak (at least their mom's speak). I think, though, that I
am acknowledging the fact that they can keep doing what they are doing.
When I really *need* something done, I will generally say, "can you do me a
favor right now?" but that usually only applies to my husband as he is
generally the only one who is capable of doing the things that I am simply
not.
No virus found in this outgoing message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.503 / Virus Database: 269.15.30/1126 - Release Date: 11/12/2007
12:56 PM
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]